It is 10am Friday. I have been at work for 2 hours now and I am COMPLETELY bored!!! I have nothing at all to do, so I just need to look "busy" for the next 6 hours....somehow! When I am this bored, I like to find new blogs and read them from start to finish. At the end, I always feel like I really "know" that person, especially if they have been blogging for a while and post often. I have just found a very inspirational blog.....I am not sure of the correct "protocol", so I won't give the URL but reading it put things completely into perspective for me.
It was a blog written by a lady that is my age, who has three beautiful kids, is married to a man that she adores and lives on a farm in outback Victoria. I would say there were about 200 individual posts in her blog and I could count on one hand the posts that have a "negative" undertone. She is such a completely positive, happy and special person. It made me look at my life and stop seeing things so negatively, as I do have many things to be thankful for....
(1) I love J very much. Our relationship was so full-on at the start. We said "I love you" after about 5 days and we just knew immediately that we couldn't stand to be apart from each other. We were both basically "mesmerised" by each other. 2 years into the relationship and things are not as touchy-feely as they used to be but I still love him dearly and still feel "excited" by him. My issues with jealousy and mild depression and my terrible temper are mostly to blame for the fact that we are not as close now as we were....I will endeavour to get this back. Things are currently on the "up" in this department. Thankyou J....for your patience and your gentleness.
(2) I have two gorgeous dogs who are my heart and soul. They are like my babies and they have bought so much happiness to my life. My life revolves around them and they do cause me plenty of extra work and can be "difficult" at times but I would give up anything else in my life before them. No matter what sort of day I have had, coming home to their beautiful hairy faces and having them jump all over me in excitement makes me feel instantly better. I love you Jack & Max! (Even while writing this, I feel like crying because when they are eventually gone, I will not cope well at all!)
(3) While I am most certainly not rich, I am happy to be at a point in my life where I can live comfortably. All bills are paid on time, without having to stress about how to pay them. I can buy clothes or small things that I want nearly every fortnight when I get paid. If something happens with the dogs, car, etc then I know we can pay to get the issue fixed. We live in a fairly nice house (even if we do rent it), we have a nice brand new car, lovely furniture and we eat good food.
(4) I am an intelligent person. This means I have more avenues of opportunity available to me. This means I can critically analyse things that I hear or read and I am able to hold a conversation with people on all levels. My excellent school results led to my Uni degree, which will now lead to my Masters in Sexual Health, which will, hopefully, lead to a fantastic career that will pay well too. As we spend so much of our time working, a happy job will mean a happier life for me.
(5) I will be going overseas again in December this year. It will be somewhere in Asia....perhaps Vietnam. I am very excited for this!!! I love the freedom of being on holidays....no housework, no alarm clocks, no planned exercise, great food, shopping and special time spent with J. I can't wait!!!
(6) I am basically a healthy person. I do not have any health problems or debilitating conditions. I am able-bodied and able-minded. The same can be said for J, my mother (although at 62 she is starting to encounter some ailments), my sister and my brother. For this, I am thankful. Having to deal with a family member, or yourself, going through pain and illness would require such an enormous strength of character.
Enough of the soppy stuff! I managed to go for my run this morning before work. It wasn't overly cold but I was puffing like a steam train!!! I must learn to control my breathing! Had a food blowout last night....J made a beautiful beef stew and I ate too much of it, complete with a large white bread roll and mashed potato. Then J made icecream, strawberries and melted chocolate for dessert! After eating this, I had some chocolate and a few biscuits. I would feel much worse about this if my weight had increased this morning but it is the same as yesterday, so all is OK.
Have a great weekend guys! It is meant to be sunny here tomorrow so that will be a big change!
The weekend will be a major test for me....Can I control the binge??
Ciao!
Miss Pinky
Friday 29 June 2007
Thursday 28 June 2007
Miracles Do Happen
(J & I Grand Palace Bangkok)
Believe it or not an amazing thing has happened....Since my last post yesterday, I have been running twice!! Yes....that is correct....TWICE!!! I honestly don't know how this came about. I was driving home after work yesterday. I finish at 4pm so get home just after 4.30pm. During the drive home, I was thinking "You really should utilise your early arrival home and do some exercise". I was trying to think of some sort of exercise that would not be too "full on" but I decided that I hated all exercise and should just stop thinking about it, as I was only kidding myself that I would do exercise. Also it was drizzling a bit too.
Just after I got home, J returned home from a 10km run, covered in sweat and with blood all over his shirt from bleeding nipples. (When men run, as they don't wear a bra, their shirt can rub over their nipples and cause them to bleed). I thought to myself "What an absolute legend!!! Now THAT is dedication!". So basically that inspired me to get my fat body into some running clothes and "Just Do It"!!! Surprisingly, the run was one of the easiest I have ever done. It was not too hard on me at all. I actually felt quite "smug" out running in the rain with a singlet on, while people drove past me in their cars, covered up in their scarves and coats. I finished the 8km run in a good time, despite the extra kilos I was carrying and I felt much better about myself afterwards. The fact that I had run meant that I had a much smaller dinner and abstained from the junkfood snacks I have been indulging in the past few weeks.
Before I went to bed last night I set my alarm for an hour earlier, with the idea to run before work. In all honesty, I imagined I would change my mind once the alarm went off but I didn't. Despite the fact it was about 6 degrees and very dark, I did it. It was a little harder than my run last night but still not too bad. I weighed myself this morning and I am down 1.6kgs on yesterday. Of course, much of this would be fluids lost from running but it still gave my self-esteem a very much needed boost to see the smaller number on the scale.
I think alot when I run. I try and get deep into thought so I don't feel my heavy breathing or my legs hurting. Last night I was thinking back to my conversation with J a few days ago regarding our "lack of goals" in life. Many of the goals I have are very long-term and are hard to visualise as they won't come easily....such as buying a house, having a baby, finishing my 2 years of study and getting a great job. There was one goal that I totally overlooked and that was my weight loss goal that I set over 2 years ago and never achieved, although I came mighty close. This is a goal that doesn't require money or education and is not dependent on anyone else's actions. This is a goal I can start moving towards immediately!!! It made me feel happy that I have made up my mind to try again to achieve this goal.
I have to be realistic and realise that I am not happy at this weight. I think that junkfood and chocolate makes me happy but "no food will ever taste as good as slim feels". Junk food makes me feel fat and frumpy and worthless! I know it is wrong to base my happiness on a number on the scales but this is just how it is. I am not aiming for a silly weight that is unachievable. I will be at the top end of the healthy weight range once I make it to my goal. I am not going to aim for a lower weight as I have very stocky legs that make me weigh heavier than a person with normal sized legs. This means I just have to work with what genetics has dealt me.
I am now 6kgs away from my goal and I am going to really try and get there. I am going to try and relax on myself a bit though as I find when I totally restrict my food and exercise all the time, I ultimately end up bingeing like crazy. I will allow myself some treats but in moderation and I just have to keep the exercise up....If not for anything else but my self-esteem.
I asked J last night to help me with this as I am really struggling with motivation. He said we could devise an exercise and eating plan together, which was nice of him. Last night while I was running, he put a heater in the bathroom to make it warm for me. That is so sweet of him...He must have realised how hard it was for me to take the first step. He has been great to me lately and I really need to start focusing some attention on him. It is all too easy to take someone for granted in a long-term relationship and what we have is not the sort of thing to just throw away through a lack of attention. Maybe this weekend we can do something nice together as Jack will be a little bit better by then so we may be able to leave him alone?
Each day, I will now evaluate the past day....in terms of exercise, eating, etc:
The Good: Finally going for a run, no snacks after dinner or after work, eating a smaller dinner complete with salad.
The Bad: A dare Coffee Milk (410 calories) and some pear and raspberry bread. This was all in the morning before I had decided to give this another go.
The Ugly: A crunch bar after lunch. King Size, mind you. I ate about 3/4 of the bar and then realised how ridiculous my eating habits were getting. This morning I had to spray cleaner on the remainder of the bar before placing it in the bin....because I swear if I didn't do that, I would pull it out of the bin! How attractive is that???!!!!!!
Well I will sign off now and I hope I can report good things tomorrow. Please pray that my "devils horns" do not appear again!!!
On the "Up"
Miss Pinky
Wednesday 27 June 2007
Getting through the "hump" day
Well it is Wednesday, otherwise known as "hump day" and once today is over, I will be on the fast-track to the weekend...Yay!!! I often feel that I "wish away" the majority of my life. As soon as I wake up, I can't wait to get home from work again and this continues through every working week. J works a second job between 2 and 3 nights a week and on those nights I can't wait for it to be the next day so I can spend some time with him. Why can't I just enjoy the journey, as I certainly don't have a destination in mind??!! I think my main issue is that I don't enjoy my job and, let's face it, work is where we spend the majority of our waking hours. I really hope to be employed in a great job one day, where I enjoy going to work. Hopefully this can happen when I have finished studying in about 2 years time.
My dog is getting better, which is such a relief! Also we found out that the lump was not cancerous so that is just awesome! The Vet said that he had experienced a great trauma that had caused the cells in that area to die off and what was removed was basically rotting tissue. Yuck!!! Jack is 18 months old and I have had him since he was 8 weeks old. He is an extremely spoilt dog (sleeps in our bed, lays on the lounge, goes out to parks all day on the weekend, eats porterhouse steak, is "carried" around the house like a baby) so I dare say I would know if he had experienced "major trauma". The only thing I can think of is when he was rumbled very badly by a staffy in our street about a month ago. The staffy was off the lead and just started to attack Jack but there were no marks at all on him so I thought he was OK. That is the only traumatic event that I can honestly think of. At least he is getting better and that is the main thing!!
When I got home last night J had cooked a romantic 3 course meal, complete with sparkling apple juice (I don't drink alcohol) which was very thoughtful of him! Lucky I am still being "Hippo Girl" instead of "Diet Girl", otherwise I would not have been happy with the masses of food!!! It was very nice of him and it would have taken ages to prepare such delicious things. I can tell he is trying to make an effort to "romanticise" things. Maybe I should do the same, instead of constantly worrying about my "extra padding"!
I didn't go for the interview yesterday afterall. I decided that it would be too far to travel and for slightly less money, it wasn't worth it. It would also have been a role that required more hours than I do here. Hopefully I find something soon and, if not, at least I am getting paid here.
I thought I should let you know a little more about me so here are 10 interesting facts about me:
(1) I have a brother 10 years older than me and a sister 10 years younger
(2) I used to work as a Receptionist in a nude massage parlour, which was very interesting, to say the least!
(3) I am a major clean freak....Bordering on OCD
(4) I am highly organised and love to write daily schedules, complete with times for showering and getting dressed
(5) I do not drink alcohol as I don't like the taste and have a very low tolerance. I like to know what I am doing at all times and I like to drive home. I can still have fun though!
(6) My biggest fear in life is public speaking or "presentations" more specifically. I have been to Psychologists to cure this fear with no success. I would rather you cut off my right arm (honestly) than have to do a presentation. This has been very debilitating throughout my life.
(7) I never, ever, ever leave home without lip gloss and dental floss. I have very full lips and big teeth so these items are more necessary to me than my wallet and mobile phone.
(8) I hate smoking like nothing else on earth! I cannot stand when someone is smoking near me, especially when I get a big puff of smoke when I am out for a run. Yuck!
(9) I am very bad at making decisions. Although I deliberate over decisions for ages and consider all the pros and cons of each option, I ultimately make the wrong choice. I can probably count on one hand the good decisions I have made in my life.
(10) I cannot cook to save my life! I don't even know how long to boil an egg for. I have no interest in learning either. I am desperately unenthused about cooking, even though I live to eat. I am lucky that all my partner's have always been able to cook.
Well that is enough about me.....
Until next time
Miss Pinky
My dog is getting better, which is such a relief! Also we found out that the lump was not cancerous so that is just awesome! The Vet said that he had experienced a great trauma that had caused the cells in that area to die off and what was removed was basically rotting tissue. Yuck!!! Jack is 18 months old and I have had him since he was 8 weeks old. He is an extremely spoilt dog (sleeps in our bed, lays on the lounge, goes out to parks all day on the weekend, eats porterhouse steak, is "carried" around the house like a baby) so I dare say I would know if he had experienced "major trauma". The only thing I can think of is when he was rumbled very badly by a staffy in our street about a month ago. The staffy was off the lead and just started to attack Jack but there were no marks at all on him so I thought he was OK. That is the only traumatic event that I can honestly think of. At least he is getting better and that is the main thing!!
When I got home last night J had cooked a romantic 3 course meal, complete with sparkling apple juice (I don't drink alcohol) which was very thoughtful of him! Lucky I am still being "Hippo Girl" instead of "Diet Girl", otherwise I would not have been happy with the masses of food!!! It was very nice of him and it would have taken ages to prepare such delicious things. I can tell he is trying to make an effort to "romanticise" things. Maybe I should do the same, instead of constantly worrying about my "extra padding"!
I didn't go for the interview yesterday afterall. I decided that it would be too far to travel and for slightly less money, it wasn't worth it. It would also have been a role that required more hours than I do here. Hopefully I find something soon and, if not, at least I am getting paid here.
I thought I should let you know a little more about me so here are 10 interesting facts about me:
(1) I have a brother 10 years older than me and a sister 10 years younger
(2) I used to work as a Receptionist in a nude massage parlour, which was very interesting, to say the least!
(3) I am a major clean freak....Bordering on OCD
(4) I am highly organised and love to write daily schedules, complete with times for showering and getting dressed
(5) I do not drink alcohol as I don't like the taste and have a very low tolerance. I like to know what I am doing at all times and I like to drive home. I can still have fun though!
(6) My biggest fear in life is public speaking or "presentations" more specifically. I have been to Psychologists to cure this fear with no success. I would rather you cut off my right arm (honestly) than have to do a presentation. This has been very debilitating throughout my life.
(7) I never, ever, ever leave home without lip gloss and dental floss. I have very full lips and big teeth so these items are more necessary to me than my wallet and mobile phone.
(8) I hate smoking like nothing else on earth! I cannot stand when someone is smoking near me, especially when I get a big puff of smoke when I am out for a run. Yuck!
(9) I am very bad at making decisions. Although I deliberate over decisions for ages and consider all the pros and cons of each option, I ultimately make the wrong choice. I can probably count on one hand the good decisions I have made in my life.
(10) I cannot cook to save my life! I don't even know how long to boil an egg for. I have no interest in learning either. I am desperately unenthused about cooking, even though I live to eat. I am lucky that all my partner's have always been able to cook.
Well that is enough about me.....
Until next time
Miss Pinky
Tuesday 26 June 2007
A sick dog, A spare tyre and Never-ending rain....
(I can't seem to work out how to put comments to the pics so here 'tis: Billy the Orangutan and I Phuket Zoo 2006......J and I at Hard Rock Cafe in Bangkok 2006.......J and a rather large beer Phuket 2006. These are some snaps from an awesome holiday we had late last year. We went to Phuket, Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur for 3 weeks. I miss it so much!!!)First I shall start on the sick dog.....He is now on anti-inflammatory tablets to help with the swelling. He seems to be OK during the day but at night he gets really, really quiet. He did not sleep with us again last night. He stayed on the couch alone. I got up at 6am today and he had moved to a cold canvas dog bed in the dining room and he was shivering to death! We had to give him a hot water bottle and wrap him in blankets. I just wish he would start sleeping with us again so at least I know he is warm. It has been 5 days since his operation and I just want him to recover and get back to his old crazy self.
The "Spare Tyre" refers to a lovely covering of fat that has appeared all over my abdomen. You know those blow-up rings that kids use for swimming?? It looks like I have one of those around me!!! So, what am I doing about it? Well, I just had a massive slice of banana bread and a chocolate bar for morning tea so that should help....Not! I have decided to join Jenny Craig next week though. I am not a big fan of diets that use pre-packaged foods but I did lose 10kgs on the program 2 years ago as part of my 20kg loss and I have kept it off until now. I don't know what is wrong with my head at the moment but I wouldn't even know how to spell "willpower", let alone utilise it! I can't seem to get "full" no matter what I do and I find that from 5pm until 10pm I have food in my mouth constantly! I think I need Jenny Craig to help me along as I find the concept of fronting up for "weigh in" each week very motivating. J seems to think I should be able to do this by myself as Jenny Craig food is very expensive but I just know I can't. My head is not in a good place at the moment and I need some help. I weighed myself this morning and I weigh more than I have in two years....I am honestly putting on about half a kilo each day at the moment and that is just plain disgusting!! I am petrified I will keep getting heavier if I don't do something now and I will end up as my "Before" photo which is on my fridge. It is looking more like a mirror reflection these days, rather than a nightmare!!!!
It feels like it has been raining in Sydney for an eternity! Yes....I know we are in a drought and I should be grateful but we have seriously had torrential downpours for weeks now. I can't remember seeing anything like it. It means that I have a fabulous excuse for not running and, as anybody who is struggling to locate their lost "Diet Girl" will know, any excuse will do at the moment! If I were honest though, even if there were beautiful bright skies outside and it was 25 degrees, I would still find an excuse! If you are looking for an excuse then you shall definitely find it!!!
I have my interview this afternoon for the Chocolate job. I wasn't sure it would go ahead, as the recruitment company called me yesterday afternoon and mentioned the salary, which was much lower than I expected. After some emails back and forth, the company has agreed that, if I am successful, I can start on a slightly higher salary level. It will still be less than I am getting now and with some extra travel time but at least it will be doing a job that I don't despise! So, I have a suit in the car and I need to quickly change after work and then quickly get into the City and find a park (which will be impossible) in time. The recruitment company have told me that, if they like me, they will then send me stright to the company for an interview. I think I should get home about 8pm tonight from all of this. At least I won't be able to eat during the interviews....ha ha ha!!!!!
I was thinking a little more yesterday about what my "dreams" in life are.....I have always wanted to live in Queensland, as I believe I would have a better quality of life there with the warmer weather. I love Queensland....I think it is beautiful and has everything I want there. My ex-husband used to say that he wanted to move there too but when we had a chance to do it, he backed out. J thinks that it is really hard to get a good job there and he thinks they pay less, so he is not convinced it's the right thing to do. Maybe I should do some background research and look at the jobs and property available and that may sway his decision?? I feel I could be so much happier there....Or am I really just running from myself???
I would like to say "thanks" to Julie for the comment posted on my last post. My first comment....how cute! I will definitely have a read of your blog, as my "dog training" skills leave much to be desired! I am hopeless! All my dogs can do is sit for a treat. They come when called sometimes but only if they want to. Hopefully I can learn something from you!!!
Ciao
Miss Pinky
Monday 25 June 2007
Feeling Better
I had a big talk with J on the weekend.....Basically we discussed how we feel we are "drifting" through life with no real goals we are trying to achieve. J's main "goal" in life is to own a house. He owned one in Melbourne, which was sold when his marriage broke up and he loved the feeling that home ownership gave him. The only problem is that the Sydney real estate market is much harder to break into than Melbourne due to much higher prices. Anyway....he has spoken to a broker who thinks if we can just come up with $10K, he should be able to help us. I am not overly fussed to own a place but I do understand it is smarter than renting and does come with security, which renting does not. My issue was that J had this as a goal but had no real steps in place to achieve this goal. I wanted him to sit down and work out a savings plan to achieve his goal.
My goals in life were to get married and to have a baby but after our talk on the weekend, I am not sure whether I really do want the marriage anymore?? Having witnessed many relationship breakdowns in my life (including my own), I am of the belief that marriage does not stop people walking away....and I think that is what I wanted marriage for....the security. Getting married is very expensive (I am still paying off my first wedding!) and it would not change the essence of our relationship. When I was married the first time, I did not take my husband's surname and I don't think I want to give up my name because I really like it. I felt that the fact we had been engaged for almost a year, with no wedding plans in place, was "unfinished business" that needed to be completed but now I am not so sure it is what I want?? I still want to be in a committed relationship with J but I don't know if we need the marriage for this??
I still definitey want to have one child though. If it were up to me, I would have one now. The issue is that J feels he has to be "set up" for this to happen.....meaning that he would like to own a house and have savings before we go ahead. I believe that most people will not sit down and say "Now we are ready for a baby"....They just do the best they can with what they have. I am nearly 30 and feel that if I don't seriously think about this, I may miss out altogether.
Jack is still very sad and quiet after his operation. Last night he even slept alone in the lounge room all night, which is very unusual for him. The wound area seems a bit "puffy" so J is taking him back to the vet today to have it looked at....Just in case. He is eating and going to the toilet as normal, so I hope all is good.
On a more positive note, I have a job interview tomorrow!! It is for a very well-known CHOCOLATE company....YUMMMMM!!!!!! The funny thing about it is that a girl that used to work at my old work left my old work to go and work there but I don't think she is still there....What a small world!!! I will let you know how I get on and will have to check with some people from my old work what she had to say about the role!
Enjoy your Monday
Miss Pinky
My goals in life were to get married and to have a baby but after our talk on the weekend, I am not sure whether I really do want the marriage anymore?? Having witnessed many relationship breakdowns in my life (including my own), I am of the belief that marriage does not stop people walking away....and I think that is what I wanted marriage for....the security. Getting married is very expensive (I am still paying off my first wedding!) and it would not change the essence of our relationship. When I was married the first time, I did not take my husband's surname and I don't think I want to give up my name because I really like it. I felt that the fact we had been engaged for almost a year, with no wedding plans in place, was "unfinished business" that needed to be completed but now I am not so sure it is what I want?? I still want to be in a committed relationship with J but I don't know if we need the marriage for this??
I still definitey want to have one child though. If it were up to me, I would have one now. The issue is that J feels he has to be "set up" for this to happen.....meaning that he would like to own a house and have savings before we go ahead. I believe that most people will not sit down and say "Now we are ready for a baby"....They just do the best they can with what they have. I am nearly 30 and feel that if I don't seriously think about this, I may miss out altogether.
Jack is still very sad and quiet after his operation. Last night he even slept alone in the lounge room all night, which is very unusual for him. The wound area seems a bit "puffy" so J is taking him back to the vet today to have it looked at....Just in case. He is eating and going to the toilet as normal, so I hope all is good.
On a more positive note, I have a job interview tomorrow!! It is for a very well-known CHOCOLATE company....YUMMMMM!!!!!! The funny thing about it is that a girl that used to work at my old work left my old work to go and work there but I don't think she is still there....What a small world!!! I will let you know how I get on and will have to check with some people from my old work what she had to say about the role!
Enjoy your Monday
Miss Pinky
Friday 22 June 2007
A night of puppy tears
Jack had a horrible night last night after his operation. He cried all night and did not sleep at all. I slept about 2 hours and my fiance did not sleep at all. The wound is so much "messier" than I thought it would be. It is very red, inflamed and "open" looking. It must be so sore....poor little fella. They did not give him anything for the pain so he just cried all night....obviously unaware of what had happened but knowing something was hurting him. I love him so much! My fiance has now taken all of next week off work to be with him until he gets the stitches out next weekend. I am scared if nobody is there that the other dog may decide it's a good idea to bite at his stitches or something. Also, neither Jack nor Max can lick at the wound or there is a good chance it will become infected. I took some pics with my phone of the wound and I will post them next week.
"Diet Girl" suffered a very sad death last night as "Miss Piggy....emotional eater" emerged! I had planned to do exercise last night but that did not come to fruition as I was very upset about Jack. I had far too much for dinner and then sent my fiance, J, out for heaps of chocolate to console myself. Today, Miss Piggy is still here as she has decided to have Maccas for lunch. Gees I am sick of this yo-yoing and I am even more sick of feeling bad about myself and thinking I am so ugly and such a failure. The ironic thing is that when I was 20 kilos heavier I actually had better self-esteem than I do now. I felt big but still attractive back then. Now, I think I am so dreadfully ugly and fat that I should hide at home so as not to subject anyone else to my hideousness. This is honestly how I feel. It gets me down so much but I cannot kick these sorts of thoughts and feelings. When I eat well and exercise I don't feel as ugly but I am literally overwhelmed with thoughts of calories, what I ate, when I can eat, etc, etc. So much so that I can't focus on anything else. When I eat junk and don't exercise, I feel "free" but very very ugly. Where is the balance that I crave so much??
I am convinced that J is repulsed by me. I believe he wants to leave me and be with someone pretty and slim but he just feels too slack to leave. In the beginning of our relationship, I knew he loved me and I totally felt he was attracted to me. We were always kissing and hugging. Now, as we have been together for nearly two years, we don't kiss and hug like before (which is usual when a relationship progresses from the early stages) but I think it is because he finds me physically disgusting. He reassures me this is not the case but nothing can convince me otherwise. My "head" tells me that perhaps he was more attracted to me then as I was not displaying such dreadfully low levels of self esteem as I do now.
It is so horrible to go through life feeling this way. My low self-esteem has negatively affected so many areas of my life. Why do I feel so ugly? What is fuelling these feelings and how can I change this? I always feel that it is linked to my weight...."If only I could lose 5kgs I would be pretty"....But would I really?? I am so worried that J will leave me for being ugly and this is a true fear of mine but the more that I worry about this, the uglier and darker I become on the inside so this may become a self-fulfilling prophecy???
Maybe I need to spend less time on the scales and scrutinising every morsel that passes my lips and more time learning to love myself. This is a very hard thing to ask of someone that barely even likes themselves. I try and think of what my good qualities are and I would say that I have a good sense of humour, I am very caring towards animals, I am organised and clean....and that is about all I can come up with. Pretty sad list hey??? I could never tell you what my best physical quality is as I don't believe anything on my body is nice and this is the honest truth. The only thing I could think of is that I do not have big ears or a big nose which is good.
Sorry for this very sad post but it is exactly what is inside me at the moment. Hopefully I have good things to report after the weekend....
Sad in Sydney
Miss Pinky.
"Diet Girl" suffered a very sad death last night as "Miss Piggy....emotional eater" emerged! I had planned to do exercise last night but that did not come to fruition as I was very upset about Jack. I had far too much for dinner and then sent my fiance, J, out for heaps of chocolate to console myself. Today, Miss Piggy is still here as she has decided to have Maccas for lunch. Gees I am sick of this yo-yoing and I am even more sick of feeling bad about myself and thinking I am so ugly and such a failure. The ironic thing is that when I was 20 kilos heavier I actually had better self-esteem than I do now. I felt big but still attractive back then. Now, I think I am so dreadfully ugly and fat that I should hide at home so as not to subject anyone else to my hideousness. This is honestly how I feel. It gets me down so much but I cannot kick these sorts of thoughts and feelings. When I eat well and exercise I don't feel as ugly but I am literally overwhelmed with thoughts of calories, what I ate, when I can eat, etc, etc. So much so that I can't focus on anything else. When I eat junk and don't exercise, I feel "free" but very very ugly. Where is the balance that I crave so much??
I am convinced that J is repulsed by me. I believe he wants to leave me and be with someone pretty and slim but he just feels too slack to leave. In the beginning of our relationship, I knew he loved me and I totally felt he was attracted to me. We were always kissing and hugging. Now, as we have been together for nearly two years, we don't kiss and hug like before (which is usual when a relationship progresses from the early stages) but I think it is because he finds me physically disgusting. He reassures me this is not the case but nothing can convince me otherwise. My "head" tells me that perhaps he was more attracted to me then as I was not displaying such dreadfully low levels of self esteem as I do now.
It is so horrible to go through life feeling this way. My low self-esteem has negatively affected so many areas of my life. Why do I feel so ugly? What is fuelling these feelings and how can I change this? I always feel that it is linked to my weight...."If only I could lose 5kgs I would be pretty"....But would I really?? I am so worried that J will leave me for being ugly and this is a true fear of mine but the more that I worry about this, the uglier and darker I become on the inside so this may become a self-fulfilling prophecy???
Maybe I need to spend less time on the scales and scrutinising every morsel that passes my lips and more time learning to love myself. This is a very hard thing to ask of someone that barely even likes themselves. I try and think of what my good qualities are and I would say that I have a good sense of humour, I am very caring towards animals, I am organised and clean....and that is about all I can come up with. Pretty sad list hey??? I could never tell you what my best physical quality is as I don't believe anything on my body is nice and this is the honest truth. The only thing I could think of is that I do not have big ears or a big nose which is good.
Sorry for this very sad post but it is exactly what is inside me at the moment. Hopefully I have good things to report after the weekend....
Sad in Sydney
Miss Pinky.
Thursday 21 June 2007
Poor Jack....
(Max & Jack playing "tug of war")
Today is the "big day"....My one year old beautiful Jack Russell dog, Jack, is having his operation. It is very hard for me to concentrate today and I wish this had all never happened but it has so I now need to deal with it! About 3 weeks ago I found a lump on his back under his skin. After a few Vet visits, they decided that the lump is "suss" and may be cancerous so they are cutting it out today. I know it is not a major operation but anything can happen, even during a minor procedure. Fingers, toes and intestines crossed that all goes well. Once they remove the lump, it will be sent to pathology and if it is cancerous he will probably have to have chemotherapy.
Once Jack gets home tonight he cannot be walked for 5 days. Anybody who has ever known a Jack Russell (especially a young Jack Russell) will know how hard this will be. He is the most energetic and hyperactive dog I have ever seen. He loves to run and run and run. About an hour after waking up each day he starts jumping up on me constantly and crying because he wants to go out. Even if I didn't want to take this dog out every day, I would have no choice. He would drive me crazy if I didn't. So, the next 5 days will be very difficult, to say the least! My fiance has taken a few days off work to make sure our other dog, Max, does not hassle him when he gets home, so at least someone is there to look after him.
I did my Spin Class last night. I so desperately wanted to skip it and made up my mind I was not going to go but my fiance seemed annoyed with me as he wanted to go, so at the last minute I got dressed and went. It was a killer. I was so sweaty it was unbelievable....It was just pouring off me! I didn't expect to get so sweaty when the weather is so cold but I worked very hard and I was proud of myself in the end. Tonight I will either run or do a Spin Class, depending on what time Jack gets home from the Vet. I am hanging out for the weekend, as I will do no exercise on those days....unless I go and swim some laps, which is not very gruelling at all. I can also spend some time pampering Jack....and Max of course!
I am having lunch today with a girl from my work. I hate going out for lunch when I am at work. I just find that I am then tempted with "bad" food choices and I also don't like paying for lunch when I could bring something from home. I am not a tightar*e.....I just prefer to spend my money on other things! Anyway, it appears it has now become "common knowledge" that hate it here and the managing Director's PA has asked her to take me to lunch to see how I am doing, what they can do, etc, etc. The issue is that there is nothing they can do to make me like it here as it is the "essence" of the job that I hate. I hate how "blokey" the role is and there is nothing they can do about it. I will lie to her though and make out it is OK as I am scared they will say "OK See you" and then I will have no job! I applied for a few more jobs today so I hope one of them is successful....
I better sign off and work out what I will say at lunch. I guess I have to have some feedback!
Over and Out
Miss Pinky.
Wednesday 20 June 2007
My Awful Job
(My fiance & I)
As promised, this post will tell you all about my horrible job! First though....an update on Diet Girl.....I did go for a run yesterday. It was absolutely freezing and raining but I knew if I didn't go that I would spend the rest of the night eating cakes and junkfood so I just had to do it. Once I got started it wasn't too bad. I finished in quite a good time and did not turn into the "iceberg" that I expected to. Tonight is a Spin Class and I have not been to one of these classes for ages so chances are it will kill me! At least I don't have to brave the outside weather though!
Now....on to my job. Before I can tell you about my job, I will give you the history behind how I ended up here. I worked in my last job for 3 years and, while I did not thoroughly enjoy it, I did not nearly cry at the thought of attending (like I do now!). I was employed in basically a "customer service/order management" type role and I really had my job "down pat". I knew what I was doing, never had many issues, had some people at work that I really liked (and some I didn't) and I worked with my fiance, which was awesome! Early this year I had a "fantastic idea" to go back to Uni and study to be a primary school teacher. This did not turn out to be such a great idea as I attended Uni for only 3 weeks before realising that a teacher I was not! I did not have the passion for children that I think is so necessary and it would have been unfair to the kids that I was teaching. Believe it or not, I did give this plenty of thought before accepting my Uni offer but, as usual, I made the wrong decision!!
So, my old job had been snapped up by someone else, I had dropped out of Uni and I was now "unemployed". I was unemployed for four weeks, which seemed an eternity and then I found this "dream role"....NOT! I work as an Account Manager for a telecommunications company. This may sound OK but, in all honesty, what I actually do is hire out two-way radios to building and security companies. It is such a "man job" and I hate it!!! I am pretty much a "girly girl" (but not over the top) and I spend my days with screwdrivers programming radios and changing the buds on earpieces that are covered in other people's earwax! Sounds fantastic, doesn't it??!! Why did I accept this job you may ask? I honestly had no idea that it would be like this. I need to get out of here so badly. I have only been here about 6 weeks and I hate every minute of it. So, I am currently looking for another job but not having too much luck as I am looking at the higher salary end of customer service jobs.
I am also starting back at Uni at the end of July but doing a totally different course. I am doing my Masters in Sexual Health via correspondence. A little different from teaching hey?! Let me explain....After school, I completed an Arts degree, majoring in Psychology. After this, I enrolled in a private college to do a graduate diploma in sexual health counselling. I attended all classes and paid the hefty course fee but did not sit the final exam or do the clinical placement hours and, as such, I did not achieve the diploma. Why was I so stupid? Because my boyfriend broke up with me and I had zero coping skills back then to deal with heartache so I just let my whole world collapse. Trust me, I have been kicking myself ever since! As such, I need to obtain some "real" qualifications in this area now.
I do have some experience in this field, having been a sex columnist for the Singapore Women's Weekly for 4 and a half years. This was an amazing experience. I wrote for them via email and had my own page in the magazine each month. I answered reader's queries and provided information about sexual dysfunctions, sexual performance, contraception, sexually transmitted infections, etc. I loved writing for the mag as I felt that, at least somewhere in the world, I was "famous"...ha ha ha!!! After 4 and a half years the magazine decided to go with "a different look" and I was shafted!
I have always had a major interest in this area and I am so absolutely comfortable talking about the topic to people from all walks of life. Most people do not have much information about sex but most people wish they did, yet are too embarrassed to seek it out or think of it as a "taboo" subject. I hope to one day have my own practice, counselling people about sex and making everybody feel that what they are (or aren't) doing is normal. Sex is such a major part of our functioning as human beings and this aspect needs to be explored and celebrated!
There you have it....My "career" history, my terrible decision-making skills and my future aspirations! Let's just hope that this time I "stick to my guns" and make this happen!
Have a happy day guys!
Miss Pinky.
As promised, this post will tell you all about my horrible job! First though....an update on Diet Girl.....I did go for a run yesterday. It was absolutely freezing and raining but I knew if I didn't go that I would spend the rest of the night eating cakes and junkfood so I just had to do it. Once I got started it wasn't too bad. I finished in quite a good time and did not turn into the "iceberg" that I expected to. Tonight is a Spin Class and I have not been to one of these classes for ages so chances are it will kill me! At least I don't have to brave the outside weather though!
Now....on to my job. Before I can tell you about my job, I will give you the history behind how I ended up here. I worked in my last job for 3 years and, while I did not thoroughly enjoy it, I did not nearly cry at the thought of attending (like I do now!). I was employed in basically a "customer service/order management" type role and I really had my job "down pat". I knew what I was doing, never had many issues, had some people at work that I really liked (and some I didn't) and I worked with my fiance, which was awesome! Early this year I had a "fantastic idea" to go back to Uni and study to be a primary school teacher. This did not turn out to be such a great idea as I attended Uni for only 3 weeks before realising that a teacher I was not! I did not have the passion for children that I think is so necessary and it would have been unfair to the kids that I was teaching. Believe it or not, I did give this plenty of thought before accepting my Uni offer but, as usual, I made the wrong decision!!
So, my old job had been snapped up by someone else, I had dropped out of Uni and I was now "unemployed". I was unemployed for four weeks, which seemed an eternity and then I found this "dream role"....NOT! I work as an Account Manager for a telecommunications company. This may sound OK but, in all honesty, what I actually do is hire out two-way radios to building and security companies. It is such a "man job" and I hate it!!! I am pretty much a "girly girl" (but not over the top) and I spend my days with screwdrivers programming radios and changing the buds on earpieces that are covered in other people's earwax! Sounds fantastic, doesn't it??!! Why did I accept this job you may ask? I honestly had no idea that it would be like this. I need to get out of here so badly. I have only been here about 6 weeks and I hate every minute of it. So, I am currently looking for another job but not having too much luck as I am looking at the higher salary end of customer service jobs.
I am also starting back at Uni at the end of July but doing a totally different course. I am doing my Masters in Sexual Health via correspondence. A little different from teaching hey?! Let me explain....After school, I completed an Arts degree, majoring in Psychology. After this, I enrolled in a private college to do a graduate diploma in sexual health counselling. I attended all classes and paid the hefty course fee but did not sit the final exam or do the clinical placement hours and, as such, I did not achieve the diploma. Why was I so stupid? Because my boyfriend broke up with me and I had zero coping skills back then to deal with heartache so I just let my whole world collapse. Trust me, I have been kicking myself ever since! As such, I need to obtain some "real" qualifications in this area now.
I do have some experience in this field, having been a sex columnist for the Singapore Women's Weekly for 4 and a half years. This was an amazing experience. I wrote for them via email and had my own page in the magazine each month. I answered reader's queries and provided information about sexual dysfunctions, sexual performance, contraception, sexually transmitted infections, etc. I loved writing for the mag as I felt that, at least somewhere in the world, I was "famous"...ha ha ha!!! After 4 and a half years the magazine decided to go with "a different look" and I was shafted!
I have always had a major interest in this area and I am so absolutely comfortable talking about the topic to people from all walks of life. Most people do not have much information about sex but most people wish they did, yet are too embarrassed to seek it out or think of it as a "taboo" subject. I hope to one day have my own practice, counselling people about sex and making everybody feel that what they are (or aren't) doing is normal. Sex is such a major part of our functioning as human beings and this aspect needs to be explored and celebrated!
There you have it....My "career" history, my terrible decision-making skills and my future aspirations! Let's just hope that this time I "stick to my guns" and make this happen!
Have a happy day guys!
Miss Pinky.
Tuesday 19 June 2007
I am alive!
The fact that I am writing this post tells you that, against all odds, I actually survived my run yesterday! Not without plenty of panting and coming in 5 minutes later than I usually do though!!! It is amazing how quickly your body can lose fitness and how much an extra 5 kilos can affect your ability to move. It makes you understand how really big people have trouble even walking around though. The top of my knees is a little sore today but nothing like I expected. I guess tomorrow is when I will really feel the pain.
I had a very good day yesterday food-wise until it got to dinner time. This is my usual downfall! I had a serve of dinner much bigger than I had planned, combined with garlic bread and sticky date pudding with icecream for dessert. As if this were not enough, I then tucked in to 5 lindt balls to top off my 1600 calorie evening. So much for "Diet Girl"! Beyond belief, I am down 1kg today from yesterday.....This goes to show just how badly I had been eating the past three weeks! I will be "good" today, at least until dinner anyway! Most of the bad food has been cleared out of the house so I should do better than last night. I also do not bring any money at all to work in case I am tempted to buy muffins or banana bread for morning tea. The takings from the "snack machine" at work must be down considerably from the last 3 weeks!
I have a run planned for this afternoon but the weather is not good in Sydney and they predict heavy rain, so I will have to see what happens. If it is light rain, I will brave it but running in a massive downpour does not appeal to me. I will be running around my Mum's house which is a run I love! I run straight past the beach and the run includes some flat areas, some downhills and one massive hill, so it is a good mix. This run is around 7kms and usually takes 45 minutes. As you can now see, I am not in danger of breaking any Olympic records!
The funny thing about my running is that I actually hate it. To be honest, I hate any form of physical exercise. Unfortunately, I am very short (about 158cms) and have a pear shaped body with stocky legs so running is the only way I can keep myself from "exploding". I have been running now for just over two years and I probably average about 30kms a week....Some weeks a little more and some weeks absolutely nothing! It seems rather silly to spend so much time doing something you hate but I have tried many other things and I don't like them either. I guess I have two choices: Run (which I hate) or put on lots of weight (which I hate). I alternate between these two evils at different times.
My poor dog is having an operation this Thursday so that has been consuming much of my thoughts. He is a Jack Russell, just over a year old and I love him more than anything. He has developed a lump on his back and they think it may be cancerous so they are cutting it out. I swear if anything happens to him I will end up in a psychiatric ward as I won't be able to cope!!! This is the first time I have had dogs and I never realised I could love something so much! My whole world revolves around these two dogs....They sleep in my bed (they are very clean), I spend all my spare time taking them out to off-leash dog parks and I hardly ever go out at night because I feel slack leaving them alone. Sometimes I think it is harder having dogs than kids because you can basically take kids anywhere with you. Dogs are quite often treated as "socially unacceptable".
Well, enough of my "ramblings"....Hopefully this has given you a further insight into who I am. Next time I shall discuss my job and how much I hate it!!
Take Care
Miss Pinky
I had a very good day yesterday food-wise until it got to dinner time. This is my usual downfall! I had a serve of dinner much bigger than I had planned, combined with garlic bread and sticky date pudding with icecream for dessert. As if this were not enough, I then tucked in to 5 lindt balls to top off my 1600 calorie evening. So much for "Diet Girl"! Beyond belief, I am down 1kg today from yesterday.....This goes to show just how badly I had been eating the past three weeks! I will be "good" today, at least until dinner anyway! Most of the bad food has been cleared out of the house so I should do better than last night. I also do not bring any money at all to work in case I am tempted to buy muffins or banana bread for morning tea. The takings from the "snack machine" at work must be down considerably from the last 3 weeks!
I have a run planned for this afternoon but the weather is not good in Sydney and they predict heavy rain, so I will have to see what happens. If it is light rain, I will brave it but running in a massive downpour does not appeal to me. I will be running around my Mum's house which is a run I love! I run straight past the beach and the run includes some flat areas, some downhills and one massive hill, so it is a good mix. This run is around 7kms and usually takes 45 minutes. As you can now see, I am not in danger of breaking any Olympic records!
The funny thing about my running is that I actually hate it. To be honest, I hate any form of physical exercise. Unfortunately, I am very short (about 158cms) and have a pear shaped body with stocky legs so running is the only way I can keep myself from "exploding". I have been running now for just over two years and I probably average about 30kms a week....Some weeks a little more and some weeks absolutely nothing! It seems rather silly to spend so much time doing something you hate but I have tried many other things and I don't like them either. I guess I have two choices: Run (which I hate) or put on lots of weight (which I hate). I alternate between these two evils at different times.
My poor dog is having an operation this Thursday so that has been consuming much of my thoughts. He is a Jack Russell, just over a year old and I love him more than anything. He has developed a lump on his back and they think it may be cancerous so they are cutting it out. I swear if anything happens to him I will end up in a psychiatric ward as I won't be able to cope!!! This is the first time I have had dogs and I never realised I could love something so much! My whole world revolves around these two dogs....They sleep in my bed (they are very clean), I spend all my spare time taking them out to off-leash dog parks and I hardly ever go out at night because I feel slack leaving them alone. Sometimes I think it is harder having dogs than kids because you can basically take kids anywhere with you. Dogs are quite often treated as "socially unacceptable".
Well, enough of my "ramblings"....Hopefully this has given you a further insight into who I am. Next time I shall discuss my job and how much I hate it!!
Take Care
Miss Pinky
Monday 18 June 2007
Finally I have arrived!!!
Well.....After about two years of lurking, unannounced, on other people's blogs I have decided to start my very own one!!!! I will begin this as a place to put my thoughts down and see where it all ends up.
A bit about me? I am 29 years old and live in Sydney. I am engaged to a man that I used to fantasise about but never thought in a million years I would "get". This did not come without it's fair share of drama though, as both myself and my fiance were married when we met.....Nothing overly "sordid" though as we both left our partner's as soon as we uncovered our mutual attraction.
We live in a very big but old house with our two gorgeous dogs and I guess you could certainly call me a "homebody". In my younger days I used to be out at nightclubs most nights but that all seems like a distant memory/nightmare now!! :-)
The main reason for starting this online "diary" is my constant desire to lose weight....Yes this is ANOTHER one of "those" blogs! Just over two years ago I set out on a mission to lose 24kgs of excess body weight, which I gained through way too many nights at home with a large pizza on my lap and zero exercise! In about 5 months, I lost 20 of those 24kgs but never, ever reached my "goal". This failure has haunted me ever since! I just seem to yo-yo from anywhere between 2kgs from my goal to 6kgs from my goal. One week I will be the "model diet girl" and run every day and eat 1200 calories each day....The next week I am "Miss Piggy" and eat every single thing in sight and I mean EVERYTHING!!!! Right now, I am just coming off a "Miss Piggy" period where I put on over 5kgs in 3 weeks! Today is the first day of "Diet Girl" and I already feel like some chocolate!!!!
I am a "boredom eater" and I also eat to make myself feel "happy".....Which is a funny irony because I 'aint feeling very happy right now with my legs squashed into these tight jeans and my "muffin top" exploding over like the spare tyre of a semi trailer!!!! Unfortunately, I have never been able to find a happy medium between "Diet Girl" and "Miss Piggy" and this is where I hope this blog will help!
This afternoon I am going for a run....Something I have not done for about 3 weeks and it is freezing cold to boot!
If I do survive, I shall post on here tomorrow.....
Keep Smiling,
Miss Pinky
A bit about me? I am 29 years old and live in Sydney. I am engaged to a man that I used to fantasise about but never thought in a million years I would "get". This did not come without it's fair share of drama though, as both myself and my fiance were married when we met.....Nothing overly "sordid" though as we both left our partner's as soon as we uncovered our mutual attraction.
We live in a very big but old house with our two gorgeous dogs and I guess you could certainly call me a "homebody". In my younger days I used to be out at nightclubs most nights but that all seems like a distant memory/nightmare now!! :-)
The main reason for starting this online "diary" is my constant desire to lose weight....Yes this is ANOTHER one of "those" blogs! Just over two years ago I set out on a mission to lose 24kgs of excess body weight, which I gained through way too many nights at home with a large pizza on my lap and zero exercise! In about 5 months, I lost 20 of those 24kgs but never, ever reached my "goal". This failure has haunted me ever since! I just seem to yo-yo from anywhere between 2kgs from my goal to 6kgs from my goal. One week I will be the "model diet girl" and run every day and eat 1200 calories each day....The next week I am "Miss Piggy" and eat every single thing in sight and I mean EVERYTHING!!!! Right now, I am just coming off a "Miss Piggy" period where I put on over 5kgs in 3 weeks! Today is the first day of "Diet Girl" and I already feel like some chocolate!!!!
I am a "boredom eater" and I also eat to make myself feel "happy".....Which is a funny irony because I 'aint feeling very happy right now with my legs squashed into these tight jeans and my "muffin top" exploding over like the spare tyre of a semi trailer!!!! Unfortunately, I have never been able to find a happy medium between "Diet Girl" and "Miss Piggy" and this is where I hope this blog will help!
This afternoon I am going for a run....Something I have not done for about 3 weeks and it is freezing cold to boot!
If I do survive, I shall post on here tomorrow.....
Keep Smiling,
Miss Pinky
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