Well I personally thought that my last post was really funny! I thought people would get a good laugh out of it. I guess I won't be giving up my day job to be a comedian any time soon!!! Thanks for all your comments on my last post....I know that self-hating is terrible and just encourages bad things to come into my life. I need to stop putting myself down all the time!!!
I have always wondered if I would feel better about myself if I had a partner that I felt completely loved me, no matter what I looked like. I have always felt that J feels disgusted by me and wishes so badly that I was slim. I think the reason for this is that J always goes to the Gym and looks after his body whereas I treat mine more like a "temple of doom" than a temple! Funny thing is that J sent me this email after reading my last blog post.....
What is wrong with you???
You are turning into a psycho. You are putting unnecessary pressure on your self and turning something that could be easy for you into something horrible.
So what you eat some bad things, that is the reason you are doing exercise so you can eat some bad stuff and not worry about it. Focus not on what you eat but on burning it off. Big deal we had pizza last night pizza surprisingly is not that bad, it had minimal cheese on it and meat...
I am beginning to think you need more then a PT you might need a doctor to deal with you mental issues..
Stop placing unnecessary pressure on your self and try and assert some self control with out being a Nazi about it. If you want bad things look for bad things that are good . Its not that hard... STOP BEING SILLY THINGS ARE NOT THAT BAD.
This made me really think for the first time "perhaps he is not as obsessed with my weight as I am". I actually felt really liberated by this email....even if he was calling me a psycho!!!! I realised that how I see myself may not be reality. Perhaps every person is NOT staring at me when I walk down the street thinking "You fatty". Perhaps I do not stand out as "the fat person". Perhaps nobody is looking at me when I eat in a food court. (I will leave the examples here or you will see I am truly a psycho....ha ha ha!!!)
So now I shall post some good things I have been doing.....All part of my "stop self-hating" plan...
I have now had 3 personal training sessions. The first two were not really hard but this morning my trainer absolutely CANED me!!! I was swearing and everything!! I am feeling OK now though. I have decided to "up" my sessions from 2 per week to 3 per week. This will force me to do at least 3 exercise sessions a week and this will be sufficient even if I don't manage to do anything else. I would love to do 5 exercise sessions a week but 3 is better than none. I am only planning on seeing him for about 3 months so I need to do all I can to get results!!!
Food is better than it has been but still not great. For breakfast I have been having a mango, a tub of yoghurt and 1/2 cup skim milk blended with heaps of ice....really yummy. Lunch the last 2 days has been turkish bread toasted with ham, swiss cheese, tomato and avocado. If I swap the turkish for a brown roll and swap the cheese for weight watchers cheese this will then be OK. Still having a few biscuits after work, which I need to stop and still having icecream after dinner but only a small bowl now. Dinner is always pretty good. A few minor changes to the food and I should be OK. I could never go on really low calorie diets or no carb diets as I would last about 5 minutes.
My weight is up to it's highest point but I am trying to focus on the positives....That I have the trainer now and I work very hard when I am with him. I am trying to believe that it will all be OK. A small bit of afternoon/evening willpower over the food and I will get there!
On a non-diet related matter, I have been invited to a Cypriot (hope the spelling is right) wedding at the end of Feb. This is a guy who lives down the road from us but we are not really close to. I have never even met his fiance as J and I were "having a break" when the engagement party was on so I didn't go. Anyway, I have also received an invitation to her "Bridal Shower" a few weeks before the wedding. I don't want to go as I SERIOUSLY will not know one person!! I have met the groom's mother once but that is it!! My question is, do I still buy her a gift for her bridal shower even if I don't go? I am not too "up to speed" with these type of things. I know for an Aussie wedding you would get a gift if you were good friends with them, even if you didn't go but I don't know this girl at all! I am not a tightarse....Just want to make sure I do the right thing. I no longer go to things I don't want to......I decided this about a year ago as I used to spend all my time trying to get out of things so now I just say "no" upfront. I will attend the wedding though because J will be there.
Till Next time....
Miss Pinky
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
in a weird kinda of way that was a positive email from J.... It can be hard though when you do obsess over food and exercise... I know I do it at times. And you know what... I bet J does love you the way you are....
Be more positive and it will reflect to other people and onto J. Sounds like you have agood plan in place though which is great to see, and training 3 times a week is great!!! I try to get three gym sessions in a week.... but don't alwys suceed.
Keep up the good work, and it will pay off... but I expect you already know that.
xx
PS... I live in Adelaide and my new house is only 14km from the city.... thats why I can get such a good price... adelaide is just a big country town. :)
hey there,
i have been lurking for awhile on your blog. But I just wanted to say that your last few posts have really struck a cord with me. It sounds like you are coming to a place where you have an understanding about the way others see you and the way that you see you.
Your journey is amazing and I have loved lurking :)
Your a beautiful girl! Go strong!
Kia Kaha!
Miss LJ - Thanks for the advice. I know I need to be more positive so I am trying hard to not put myself down and focus on the good things I am doing instead. Also...I think I need to move to Adelaide!! :-)
Claire - Thanks so much for your kind comments. I honestly had tears in my eyes when I read this. I am a little too "soft" I think!
you are such a dag. somehow i missed this post ages ago but i love your boy - he is so much like mine.. its not worth us cracking a 'psycho' over little things. i mean looking at your dress and your hot bod at that wedding recently... hellloooo you are a stunner and a real vision of fitness and health. i love it. i dont see flab or a pizza or two.. i see a fit girl who is a stunner!!
perfection is stupid.. consistency is key!
Post a Comment