One hell of an honest read....If you are up for it!

I thought it may be “therapeutic” to analyse my relationship history….and my life in general…..so here goes….

I was born in New Zealand. My Mum and Dad were married but my Dad was highly abusive towards my Mum, both physically and mentally. He was abused as a child, so perhaps this provided a “reason” for his abuse but certainly was not an excuse. Apparently I was a happy child and had a good relationship with my Dad. He left when I was about 3 years old. He went to jail for 14 years but that is a whole other story. I have no recollection of ever living with my Dad or having him around.

It was then my Mum, my older brother (10 years older) and me. My Dad was moved from a New Zealand jail to an Australian one so we moved to Australia. I absolutely idolised my brother. I guess he was a substitute for a father for me. I always wanted to be around him and I must have really annoyed him, especially during his teenage years! My brother was married quite young and moved out, which broke my heart. I was always going over to visit him and he eventually told my Mum I wasn’t allowed around so much as it was annoying him. A couple of years later, when I was about 12 years old, he cut off all contact with my Mum and me. He did not speak to us at all for 6 years. 6 whole f**ken years!!!! I never really understood why…..All I knew is that I really missed him…..So much so that I would cry. Today, he does talk to us but our relationship is very forced and uncomfortable. I don’t think those “missing years” can ever be gained back.

My next “male rejection” comes in the form of my first boyfriend. I remember spending the majority of my waking hours from age 14 to 16 staring out my front window to see if he was around and waiting for a phone call that never came. He used to break up with me all the time and run out and me. Then, I would just wait until he came back again. I remember being is so much pain and just wishing he would really care for me. After about 2 years together, I found him asleep one morning with a girl’s phone number and a bra next to his bed. I went home, took 40 panadol with a bottle of Midori and this marked my first suicide attempt. He actually came into my house when I was taking the tablets, stole $40 from me, told me to take more tablets and left. My Mum found me and I was in hospital for 2 days, eating charcoal to fix my liver. I never saw him again. Nice guy!

Next was a boyfriend I spent over 4 years with. Basically the same story. He was always out with his mates drinking and would come home early in the morning when he was well and truly tanked. Quite obviously he was using me but I couldn’t see it. He used to break up with me all the time and then get back with me. He would just “toy” with my emotions. We had some absolutely horrific fights and I could never handle him walking out on me. This meant I often ran after him down the street in my nightie and other things to the same effect. I was with him from when I was 17-21. I must have really been a joke to him. I wonder if he ever feels bad for what I went through…..Probably not.

Next, I had a 3 month relationship that ended with an AVO out on ME!!!! This guy was sooooooooo full on…..Such an absolute charmer. He said all the right things to swindle situations into exactly what he wanted. A week after I met him, I went to Bali on a holiday. While I was there, he used to send 16 page faxes to my hotel, declaring his love for me, etc. I was a bit “suss” at the start but this sort of attention is just what the doctor ordered for someone with very low self-esteem. I fell HARD. He played the same old game…..Constant break ups, not answering my calls, running away, getting back together. He broke up with me one day and I just assumed it was like all the other times and that if I called him, he would realise he should come back. Well, he obviously really meant it this time, so when I called him many, many times he went to the police and took out an AVO. I was so devastated! He did not live in my area but he would pull up out the front of my house tooting his car horn. I would go out to see what the noise was to witness a girl getting into his car. This is most probably the first day I discovered running. I ran and ran and ran to get out all the hurt and anger. He would also always comment on how fat I was and, looking back, I wasn’t even fat.

There was one in the middle who I was with for 6 months. Yes – he also broke up with me but was a bit of a freak and it didn’t really affect me so this is nothing major.

Next up was one that I still find painful at times. 18 months, so obsessed with me at the start, fell in love with me very quickly and then began the cycle of breaking up with me, getting back together, etc. He was also violent when he drank alcohol, which was just horrible. I was too scared to be alone and too scared to deal with more rejection, so I stayed. Each time I kept going back. Each time I got hurt. He broke up with me one night and I left his house and promised to never go back. I didn’t. I met my ex-husband 2 nights later. Needless to say, he tried to get back with me after “the usual three days” and it was too late. It took me a very long time to get over this and I believe a piece of it is still with me even today.

My ex-husband is wonderful. Never did anything wrong, loved me unconditionally and treated me like a princess. Unfortunately, I was not attracted to him so after 3 years together, I left. Looking back, was I not attracted to him because he never “played the game” of breaking up with me, getting back together?? Seems rather reasonable! This is the only time I have ever broken up with someone. We still talk on the phone sometimes. He is still lovely and is with someone else. I hope I never made him feel how I have felt with partners in my past. I broke up with him, after meeting J. Horrible I know, but the truth!

Every time I meet someone they fall for me in a very big way and fast! I am not being vain as I actually have a major low self-esteem problem but this is true. I think I play a role of the “perfect girlfriend” when I meet someone. I never show them my insecurities, my jealousy, my anger or my neediness. I pretend to be self-sufficient, confident and FUN…..All the things that I really am not. I think I have learnt how to behave to make them fall for me.

I can only keep the façade up for a few weeks though and then the real me starts to come through…..Insanely jealous, very needy, wanting to spend 100% of my time with them, highly emotional and vulnerable, downright nasty and evil in an argument, organised to the point of obsessiveness. I am petrified of rejection and by “being the real me”, I bring rejection into my life. I make such a big “song and dance” about being scared they will leave me that, ultimately, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When they have had enough (time ranging from 3 months to 4 years) and leave me, it confirms how unlovable I am and that I was “right from the start”. What a hideous rollercoaster!!!

So, this is the first time J has broken up with me. I am breaking the vicious cycle of my life. I will not try and change his mind and I will not chase him. It is his life and his decision. I have only been alone (without a boyfriend) for a few weeks since I was 14….16 years. I am petrified of being alone but, in reality, my relationships have been so messed up that I have spent the majority of that time alone, waiting for them to return to me. It is time to fix myself. It is time to take accountability for the fact that no man wants to spend his life with a psycho like me. I need to start to love myself more and believe I am worthy of a loving relationship. If I feel I am a worthwhile person, I won’t be jealous, then I won’t be angry or nasty…..and then perhaps I can find my life-long partner.

Miss Pinky.