Reading my last post again sends a chill up my spine. Although it is certainly 100% truthful, it makes me sound like a real “basket case”. For the record, I do not come across in my everyday life as psychotic or deranged. I go to work every day (have done since I was 14 years old), I am polite to others, I live in a nice clean house, I do not drink alcohol or take drugs to deal with my issues. To the outside world, it would appear that I am rather settled and happy. Of course, what is going on in my head and my heart is anything BUT settled and happy!!!
J is still living with me but we are not together. It is very weird as we still sleep in the same bed, etc and even went to Westfield and the dog park together over the weekend. I am still crushed beyond belief but will not cry, as I just can’t front up to work with puffy eyes again! This happened last week and I made out I just “woke up like that”. You see, I have not told anybody at work what has happened. I just pretend all is OK. To be honest, I am not at all close to anyone at work so serious conversations do not come up anyway. It is very hard to concentrate at work as all I can think of is J and what has happened.
The weekend passed me by in a bit of a “haze”. I would have moments where I felt OK and then 5 minutes later I felt physically ill…..Like I wanted to collapse in a pile of tears. At this time, my mood can change in the space of a few minutes. I guess that is what grief is all about! It is grief that I am dealing with…..the death of my relationship. Of course, it is no way comparable to actually losing a loved one but it is still the same sort of feelings.
I managed to get a few things done on the weekend. I did the washing and changed the sheets but couldn’t manage the vacuuming. I went out with my sister Friday night and last night, which was good to get my mind off things. Pretty quiet nights but it was better than moping at home.
J had an engagement party on last night. I was invited and we had already RSVP’d but he told the guy we were fighting and he didn’t want me to come. Perhaps it is just my warped sense of thinking but I think that is mean. If we had already RSVP’d, he should have just gone with me. It is not as though we aren’t speaking! We spent most of the weekend together anyway…..
I did zero exercise on the weekend. I just couldn’t muster up the strength to go. Although I didn’t eat much at all so I weighed in this morning at 65.6kgs…..a total loss of 2.6kgs in 2 weeks. I feel much better and much less wobbly, so I guess that is something to feel happy about. I have been having toast for dinner most nights. I know that is really bad and not nutritious at all but it seems to be all I can stomach when I am feeling sad at night.
Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morning tea: 4 multigrain corn thins
Lunch: Egg and salad wrap
Afternoon tea: Yoghurt
Dinner: Toast x 2….probably with jam or peanut butter
Dessert: Either an iceblock or a 2 finger kit-kat
Exercise: Praying I can make myself go for a run after work
Miss Pinky
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1 comment:
Nothing wrong with toast for dinner as long as it is in your plan! I think learning to eat comfort foods appropriately is one of the hardest and most important parts of losing weight and keeping it off.
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