Starting to feel angry

Today I am feeling more angry than hurt. I feel that J simply has the best of both worlds now….Everything is completely under his control. I don’t have any say in where he goes or what he does, I do all of the housework and washing and don’t nag him to help because I worry he will then decide he will move out and he is still able to talk to me and hang out with me when he wants so he is not alone or bored. In addition to this, we have also been intimate a few times. In my defence, I only did this because he initiated it and I thought he would definitely not do that unless we were getting back together. How wrong I was!!!! I thought he was different to other guys I have been with. So now, he seems to have maintained all the good stuff from the relationship and completely avoided the bad stuff, the chores, the responsibilities and the commitment.

He came home last night about 7.30pm….after a run. I was having toast for dinner as I felt a bit sick after my run in the heat. He got out his steak to cook and asked me to make a salad for him. I did make it but a part of me was thinking “What is going on here?? I am being used!”. I also did his dishes when he went out to buy the groceries and he didn’t even notice I had done them when he got home.

Now I am completely aware all of this is stuff that is under my control. I can stop cleaning up after him, doing his washing and definitely can stop being intimate with him!! I am just angry that he feels OK about treating me like this. Even if he doesn’t ever want to be with me again, he doesn’t have to be like this. Surely he remembers that he was once very in love with me??

I asked him last night if he thinks he will make a decision by Christmas and he said “I hope so”. Christmas is 6 weeks away!!!!!! How could he even imagine he will string this out for that long???!!!! Maybe it is just me but I don’t understand this “needing time to think” saga. Don’t you just “know” if you want to be with someone or if you don’t?? To me, it is a fairly straight-forward decision…..Does he want to build a future with me or not?? What is annoying me is that he doesn’t seem to be putting any time into doing his “thinking” anyway. I don’t know how long I can go on with this “waiting game”. As much as I do love him and wish he would give me another chance, my patience is wearing very thin.

I went for a 10km run last night. It was so unbelievably hot!!! I hadn’t run for 11 days and it was a real struggle. I felt good about it when I finished though. I am glad I did something. I am not sure if I will do anything tonight (exercise wise) or just wait until tomorrow. With my emotional state at the moment, I am putting no pressure on myself with exercise. I will “plan” on 5 days but if I only do 2 or 3, it is still better than none. I am still being really good with the food though. I weighed myself this morning and I was 65kgs on the dot….YAY!!!! This is a 3.2kg loss in 15 days. This is actually the lightest I have been since January!

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Big bowl of fruit salad
Morn tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Grain roll, turkey, salad, dijonnaise
Afternoon tea: Yoghurt
Dinner: Maybe curry prawns with rice (weight watchers recipe)
Dessert: W/W cake bar
Exercise: Will just see how I feel

Miss Pinky