A night of puppy tears

Jack had a horrible night last night after his operation. He cried all night and did not sleep at all. I slept about 2 hours and my fiance did not sleep at all. The wound is so much "messier" than I thought it would be. It is very red, inflamed and "open" looking. It must be so sore....poor little fella. They did not give him anything for the pain so he just cried all night....obviously unaware of what had happened but knowing something was hurting him. I love him so much! My fiance has now taken all of next week off work to be with him until he gets the stitches out next weekend. I am scared if nobody is there that the other dog may decide it's a good idea to bite at his stitches or something. Also, neither Jack nor Max can lick at the wound or there is a good chance it will become infected. I took some pics with my phone of the wound and I will post them next week.

"Diet Girl" suffered a very sad death last night as "Miss Piggy....emotional eater" emerged! I had planned to do exercise last night but that did not come to fruition as I was very upset about Jack. I had far too much for dinner and then sent my fiance, J, out for heaps of chocolate to console myself. Today, Miss Piggy is still here as she has decided to have Maccas for lunch. Gees I am sick of this yo-yoing and I am even more sick of feeling bad about myself and thinking I am so ugly and such a failure. The ironic thing is that when I was 20 kilos heavier I actually had better self-esteem than I do now. I felt big but still attractive back then. Now, I think I am so dreadfully ugly and fat that I should hide at home so as not to subject anyone else to my hideousness. This is honestly how I feel. It gets me down so much but I cannot kick these sorts of thoughts and feelings. When I eat well and exercise I don't feel as ugly but I am literally overwhelmed with thoughts of calories, what I ate, when I can eat, etc, etc. So much so that I can't focus on anything else. When I eat junk and don't exercise, I feel "free" but very very ugly. Where is the balance that I crave so much??

I am convinced that J is repulsed by me. I believe he wants to leave me and be with someone pretty and slim but he just feels too slack to leave. In the beginning of our relationship, I knew he loved me and I totally felt he was attracted to me. We were always kissing and hugging. Now, as we have been together for nearly two years, we don't kiss and hug like before (which is usual when a relationship progresses from the early stages) but I think it is because he finds me physically disgusting. He reassures me this is not the case but nothing can convince me otherwise. My "head" tells me that perhaps he was more attracted to me then as I was not displaying such dreadfully low levels of self esteem as I do now.

It is so horrible to go through life feeling this way. My low self-esteem has negatively affected so many areas of my life. Why do I feel so ugly? What is fuelling these feelings and how can I change this? I always feel that it is linked to my weight...."If only I could lose 5kgs I would be pretty"....But would I really?? I am so worried that J will leave me for being ugly and this is a true fear of mine but the more that I worry about this, the uglier and darker I become on the inside so this may become a self-fulfilling prophecy???

Maybe I need to spend less time on the scales and scrutinising every morsel that passes my lips and more time learning to love myself. This is a very hard thing to ask of someone that barely even likes themselves. I try and think of what my good qualities are and I would say that I have a good sense of humour, I am very caring towards animals, I am organised and clean....and that is about all I can come up with. Pretty sad list hey??? I could never tell you what my best physical quality is as I don't believe anything on my body is nice and this is the honest truth. The only thing I could think of is that I do not have big ears or a big nose which is good.

Sorry for this very sad post but it is exactly what is inside me at the moment. Hopefully I have good things to report after the weekend....

Sad in Sydney
Miss Pinky.