Believe it or not an amazing thing has happened....Since my last post yesterday, I have been running twice!! Yes....that is correct....TWICE!!! I honestly don't know how this came about. I was driving home after work yesterday. I finish at 4pm so get home just after 4.30pm. During the drive home, I was thinking "You really should utilise your early arrival home and do some exercise". I was trying to think of some sort of exercise that would not be too "full on" but I decided that I hated all exercise and should just stop thinking about it, as I was only kidding myself that I would do exercise. Also it was drizzling a bit too.
Just after I got home, J returned home from a 10km run, covered in sweat and with blood all over his shirt from bleeding nipples. (When men run, as they don't wear a bra, their shirt can rub over their nipples and cause them to bleed). I thought to myself "What an absolute legend!!! Now THAT is dedication!". So basically that inspired me to get my fat body into some running clothes and "Just Do It"!!! Surprisingly, the run was one of the easiest I have ever done. It was not too hard on me at all. I actually felt quite "smug" out running in the rain with a singlet on, while people drove past me in their cars, covered up in their scarves and coats. I finished the 8km run in a good time, despite the extra kilos I was carrying and I felt much better about myself afterwards. The fact that I had run meant that I had a much smaller dinner and abstained from the junkfood snacks I have been indulging in the past few weeks.
Before I went to bed last night I set my alarm for an hour earlier, with the idea to run before work. In all honesty, I imagined I would change my mind once the alarm went off but I didn't. Despite the fact it was about 6 degrees and very dark, I did it. It was a little harder than my run last night but still not too bad. I weighed myself this morning and I am down 1.6kgs on yesterday. Of course, much of this would be fluids lost from running but it still gave my self-esteem a very much needed boost to see the smaller number on the scale.
I think alot when I run. I try and get deep into thought so I don't feel my heavy breathing or my legs hurting. Last night I was thinking back to my conversation with J a few days ago regarding our "lack of goals" in life. Many of the goals I have are very long-term and are hard to visualise as they won't come easily....such as buying a house, having a baby, finishing my 2 years of study and getting a great job. There was one goal that I totally overlooked and that was my weight loss goal that I set over 2 years ago and never achieved, although I came mighty close. This is a goal that doesn't require money or education and is not dependent on anyone else's actions. This is a goal I can start moving towards immediately!!! It made me feel happy that I have made up my mind to try again to achieve this goal.
I have to be realistic and realise that I am not happy at this weight. I think that junkfood and chocolate makes me happy but "no food will ever taste as good as slim feels". Junk food makes me feel fat and frumpy and worthless! I know it is wrong to base my happiness on a number on the scales but this is just how it is. I am not aiming for a silly weight that is unachievable. I will be at the top end of the healthy weight range once I make it to my goal. I am not going to aim for a lower weight as I have very stocky legs that make me weigh heavier than a person with normal sized legs. This means I just have to work with what genetics has dealt me.
I am now 6kgs away from my goal and I am going to really try and get there. I am going to try and relax on myself a bit though as I find when I totally restrict my food and exercise all the time, I ultimately end up bingeing like crazy. I will allow myself some treats but in moderation and I just have to keep the exercise up....If not for anything else but my self-esteem.
I asked J last night to help me with this as I am really struggling with motivation. He said we could devise an exercise and eating plan together, which was nice of him. Last night while I was running, he put a heater in the bathroom to make it warm for me. That is so sweet of him...He must have realised how hard it was for me to take the first step. He has been great to me lately and I really need to start focusing some attention on him. It is all too easy to take someone for granted in a long-term relationship and what we have is not the sort of thing to just throw away through a lack of attention. Maybe this weekend we can do something nice together as Jack will be a little bit better by then so we may be able to leave him alone?
Each day, I will now evaluate the past day....in terms of exercise, eating, etc:
The Good: Finally going for a run, no snacks after dinner or after work, eating a smaller dinner complete with salad.
The Bad: A dare Coffee Milk (410 calories) and some pear and raspberry bread. This was all in the morning before I had decided to give this another go.
The Ugly: A crunch bar after lunch. King Size, mind you. I ate about 3/4 of the bar and then realised how ridiculous my eating habits were getting. This morning I had to spray cleaner on the remainder of the bar before placing it in the bin....because I swear if I didn't do that, I would pull it out of the bin! How attractive is that???!!!!!!
Well I will sign off now and I hope I can report good things tomorrow. Please pray that my "devils horns" do not appear again!!!
On the "Up"
Miss Pinky
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