After my semi-bagging of the personal trainer that he didn’t work me hard enough, etc…..I received my “karma” yesterday in the form of an aching body that felt like I had been hit by a train. Every part of me ached, even my armpits!!! Today I am feeling a bit better but still a little tender. I have another session with him tonight and I should be OK. Even if I am not I will still try my hardest because I hate showing any signs of weakness!!! J is considering joining me on my PT sessions and I have spoken to my PT about this. He thinks that this might not work because J wants to build muscle and I want to lose fat. Maybe J will just agree to do whatever I am doing, although with heavier weights, etc. We will sort this out in the next few days. It is not that much more money for J to be there too, so this isn’t really an issue.
My food has been bad, bad, bad and I am in severe self-hating mode. Yesterday I had McDonald’s for lunch, half a bag of fantail lollies for a “snack” and pizza, garlic bread and an Oreo McFlurry for dinner!!!!! I absolutely disgust myself but can’t seem to stop this self-sabotage!!! I am an animal!!! (No…..this is slack to animals).
Speaking of animals, my dog, Jack, was really sick on Tuesday night, throwing up everywhere. I didn’t get any sleep at all. Thank God he is better now. I was so worried about him but I wanted to wait and see how he was by last night before taking him to the Vet. By about 4pm he was much, much better. I am not sure why he was sick but I assume he ate something dodgy in the backyard. The other dog, Max, was fine.
So I came to some realisations yesterday, which I would like to share. This section will be entitled “You know things have gotten out of hand when”…..
(1) You do not consume one bit of water in a full day. This was me yesterday. First time in about 3 years with ZERO water. I replaced healthy water with chemically laden Coke Zero and fat, fat, Dare coffee milk.
(2) You have to go home from work at lunch time because the pants you wore to work are too tight and you need to change into a loose skirt that does not hug your fat. Once again, this was me yesterday.
(3) You have to go to a different store in the afternoon to get your bag of FAT lollies, even though there is another store that is more convenient. Reason is that you are ashamed to go to your usual store because the lady would remember you getting your FAT Dare coffee milk that very morning. Yep….me again!
(4) You smuggle your bag of lollies into the office so nobody can see how FAT you are and you then carefully eat them all afternoon, hoping nobody can see you or hear the wrappers being opened. Hippo me once more.
(5) You put your McDonald’s bag from lunch into the outside bin so your boyfriend does not know how FAT you are. Funny thing is, he is not blind so I think he knows I am FAT anyway!!! (Note: He found it anyway when he took the garbage out!)
(6) You have to put talcum powder in between your thighs when you wear a skirt on a hot day to stop the “fat man rash” from coming. Yes, I make me sick!!!
(7) You are sitting in front of the TV in the afternoon with a full packet of water crackers and a jar of jam and you dip the whole packet of crackers into the jam and then eat it. Note to self: Jam IS NOT a dip Fatso!!!!!
(8) You hang around the house covered in a sarong because nothing else fits you that is comfortable anymore.
(9) When you shower you try not to look down because the sight of your lard will scare you and make you sick. It is rather difficult to shower without looking down!
(10) You pretend you feel sick so you can convince your boyfriend to have takeaway for dinner. You are not sick at all, you just want the FAT food rather than healthy steak and salad. Boyfriend must think “I would feel sick too if I ate what you did!”. He doesn’t say this out loud though because Fatso may sit on him and he will die.
Reading this back, it is rather funny but I am laughing AT me, not WITH me. This is a hard reality check for you, you absolute pig! Things MUST change and they must change NOW!!!!!!
Well, at least after we have cake at work this afternoon for someone’s birthday!!! Some pigs just never change!! J
(I am aware this is a really negative post towards myself but this is the way I need to be to generate some much needed change)
Miss Pinky
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4 comments:
Hey Miss Pinky - I have come across your site from coolrunning and want to empathise with many of those examples you gave! But... (and its a big one!) ... I reckon you should give yourself a break. When you set your goals to NOT be something (ie fat) rather than to be something (ie fit and healthy) what you are focussing on is really negative.
I am not one to preach on this stuff to anyone, but you sound really down on yourself and that is an incredible shame as you are obviously a gorgeous fit fun girl - but perhaps you forget that?
If you are interested in a good book on happiness and has an excellent section on goal setting, try 'The Happiness Handbook' by Tim Sharp.
Good luck with your trainer tonight! Sounds intense!
Hi Pinks. I hear you sister, I empathise with the feelings that you were feeling when you wrote this post.
I don't see you in the same light, but it doesn't matter what other people think. It's about you honey.
Big hugs xxx
Big hugs to you! Hope you have a better day today. I wonder if you were so down because your dog was sick, I know when my son was sick I ate like a crazy woman until I felt sick.
Oh don't worry about the negative talk, I do that constantly and I think it helps a bit to kick yourself in the butt!!! I to have done some of the things on your list!lol
Keep plodding along with this battle:)
Emx
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