Miss Pinky

Boot Camp and a mangled hip

2008-10-29T12:45:00.003+11:00

* I have had a couple of events since my last post: Brighton 10K, which I managed to finish in a little over 60 mins (and that includes a bathroom stop along the way); Maroubra 8K which was run at 9.30am in 29 degree heat...I finished in 52 minutes which is an apalling time but I was happy to finish in one piece as I became so hot I got goose bumbs all over and felt cold; Coolrunning 5K challenge which I finished in 28:15, an all-time PB for me.

* Not sure if I have mentioned the Striders 10K I did at Olympic Park where I came LAST!??!!! It was run on a wet morning which obviously kept the slower runners away and I finished in 62:55, which secured me the wooden spoon. This was the worst thing ever for my ego but, in all honesty, Striders was probably a bit out of my league. Despite this, I will run Striders again when I am sure I can do a sub-60.
* Due to my faster than usual pace at the Coolrunning 5K, I have now injured my hip. I think it must be the hip flexor or ITB?? The pain gets worse the more I exercise, which should tell me to rest it but I am scared to rest. I will see a physio about this one as I don't like the feeling of being injured at all.
* I did my 2nd session of Fitness First Boot Camp this morning.....in pouring rain mind you! I was so smothered in sand at the end that I had to shower at the beach in all my clothes to get the sand off before driving home in my undies! I am so glad I live on a main road....people must have thought I was crazy when I got out of the car to run inside. My sore hip made today pretty painful and I have gone from being one of the fitter people in Monday's session to one of the worst today. Boot Camp seems pretty good and was cheaper than I expected. I hate the early mornings but at least I get my exercise out of the way early.
* Weight is still OK - for me - and I will get it down a few more kgs before my holiday (or during as is usually the case with an Asian holiday).
* Counting down the days until Thailand/Singapore.....6 weeks to go.
* I am seeing "Spirit of the Marathon" in a couple of weeks time and I cannot wait! This will get me really pumped for next year! It's so funny how things can change....a few years back I would have died at the thought of watching a movie about running and now that's something I love.
* Here is a little piccie of the Noosa Half in August....

Over & Out

Miss Pinky

Just a quickie

2008-09-23T10:10:00.002+10:00

* I am still alive.....just can't be bothered with this blog anymore. It feels more like a chore on my "To Do" list than anything else. I will keep it here for a while and see how I feel about it then.
* Blackmores half marathon was on Sunday. Such a hot day made it a hard slog and I came home about 4 mins over the time I was aiming for. At least I came home healthy because I saw many people passed out, on drips or covered in vomit along the course. The most carnage I have ever witnessed in a race. I had such a great time cheering with the Coolrunning cheersquad for about 4 hours after I finished my run. Those marathon finishers are legends!
* I also did the Noosa half marathon about 4 weeks ago. I got a half marathon PB of 2:07:XX, which I was ecstatic about. I think this result had given me a false sense of hope for the Blackmores. Oh well, you live and learn. The sunshine coast is such a beautiful place, especially Mooloolaba. I have a new-found love for this area of the world now. When I went there on my honeymoon about 4 and a half yaers ago I didn't enjoy it. If I had a job there, I would move tomorrow!
* J and I are considering entering the Melbourne half in 3 weeks time to redeem ourselves, as he was not happy with his result either. J will make a decision on that today, depending on what the financial "damage" of such a last minute weekend will be.
* It was my bday just over a week ago. It was not a great day. I had High Tea for lunch and it was so incredibly expensive and left me starving!!! I did get some good pressies though....a beautiful white gold bangle from J and some Gucci sunglasses from my Mum and sister (the money to buy them anyway!).
* Work is still very boring and does not mentally stimulate me at all. I will see how I feel when I get back from my month's leave in Dec and make a decision about whether I should look elsewhere. Perhaps I just need a good break! I am just really sick of being on-call 24 hrs a day seven days a week and having no proper back up for holidays, etc.
* Summer is coming....thank God! As soon as it begins to warm up I instantly become so much more positive. Daylight savings is only a few weeks away too...yay!

Over & Out
Miss Pinky

Jenny Update

2008-08-19T13:22:00.001+10:00

Jenny Craig is going really well. I have lost 3.5kgs so far and that is after only 8 days on the program. I know most of this is just due to my body being “in shock” from the change in calories but I am happy nonetheless. It is really expensive though but I should only be on it for about another 2 months at the most, so in the meantime I will just grin and bear the extra cost. Most of the food is really nice, which makes it easier but I am getting a little sick of the salad and steamed vegies I have to add to both my lunch and dinner every day. I don’t know what I would do without balsamic vinegar!

Exercise is on track. I have discovered a new running route near my house so this has been good for breaking up the boredom. I am now officially in training for my half marathon in September and this means a long run once a week (14-18K), combined with 2-3 shorter runs (7-10K) and one Body Attack class (as a break from running). I would usually do the long run on the weekend but as I am going to Noosa this weekend, I wanted to do it during the week but “daylight hours” are an issue. I will work it out anyway.

I did a 14K run with J on Sunday and I found the “tank” was completely empty at around the 12K mark. I have never experienced this before as generally I am a big eater but my low calorie diet is obviously not doing me any favours where the long run is concerned. So, I have decided to add a bit to my menu on the days I run longer…..nothing major….maybe just an extra 200 calories to give me some extra fuel. I also ran the whole run on Sunday without music….which is amazing for me! At least I know I can do it if I need to.

I had a problem at work with a colleague who sat only about a metre away from my desk but is a heavy smoker and always smells like cigarettes (not sure if I mentioned it here??)…..anyway, I ended up saying something to my Boss because it all got too much and the smoker has now been moved to a different desk. It is such a relief to be able to breathe easily at work and not smell offensive things. Although a couple of people at my work (including the smoker) only talk to me now on a “need to” basis. They are in their 40’s…..so VERY mature of them! I don’t care anyway as I have done nothing wrong and they can gossip until they cough their little lungs out! Point is, I can now come to work without dreading sitting there all day. They had nothing of real value to talk about anyway so I don’t miss their conversations.

J got his tax refund yesterday and he is giving me a little “present”. I am trying to work out what to buy as my present and I am thinking of some sunglasses for running….Rudi Project ones seem excellent….around $300-$400 but they last forever. It’s funny how my “wish list” mainly consists of running gadgets these days!

City to Surf, Kitty Meet (meat) & Jenny Craig

2008-08-11T15:36:00.001+10:00

Firstly, I would like to describe the excellent preparation I had for the City to Surf….I injured my neck on Wednesday and the pain was all the way down my left shoulder and half my back. I had to see a physio for the first time in my life and he helped to “ease the pain” a bit but I was still feeling slightly tender. For this reason, I missed my planned training from Wednesday and had to completely rest until race day. I just planned on doing the best I could and walking if I felt the need. What I didn’t plan on was heading out on Saturday night to meet Kitty and the other bloggers and drinking and getting to bed at about 3am! I also missed dinner here too. Thing is, I never drink but I decided to “take it up” the night before the race. About midnight I developed a migraine and, as such, I also had to take 2 panadeine forte on top of my alcohol. I woke up on Sunday after about 4 hours sleep feeling as seedy as anything! I also woke up too late for breakfast. I considered missing the race altogether but I decided I may as well give it a whirl.

Somehow, it all came together and I managed to cross the finish line in around 88 minutes. I was expecting about 95 so I was very happy with 88. I don’t feel like a fraud for having that green bib anymore! I was expecting to walk at least part of heartbreak hill but I ran the whole 14kms and I didn’t even feel the need to take any walking breaks. Now, that is one tough course! It is not so much heartbreak hill that is the killer but the whole course is hilly. Anyway, it’s all over now so that’s another one done and dusted. Gyspy…..thanks for checking how it all went! :-)

About the Kitty meet…..let me just say that “what you see is what you get”! Kitty is one cool chicky babe and a tiny little thing to boot! J most certainly enjoyed the lap dance he received from her! Tania was also there and so was Fanny and Katie. Really great girls and very down to earth and “real”. So different to most pretentious barbie dolls that I meet! I had a great night! Looking forward to meeting Kitty again.....meaow!

Today is my first day of Jenny Craig. I was feeling a little starving before lunch but now I feel OK. I was on this a few years ago and the food is OK…expensive but OK. Last time it would have been much harder because I was much bigger and came straight from a diet of pizza and cake. This time at least I am active and have a semi-healthy diet so it’s not such a “shock” to the system. It will be hard having my frozen dinner tonight though while J has his gourmet home cooked meal. J is a great cook! Anyway, in about 10 weeks I should be luscious so it will all be worth it…..I wish!

No exercise tonight and, for this week, I am only going to do 3-4 sessions to help me ease into my new eating plan.

Ciao for now!
Miss Pinky.

Sutherland to Surf and other stuff

2008-08-05T12:31:00.003+10:00

I did very well in the Sutherland to Surf....I finished the 11K's in 64.18 minutes so, for the first time in my life, I averaged under 6 minute K's.....For this race I averaged 5.8 minutes K's......yay!!!! I am so happy with my result. It's funny because I really felt like I was running extra slow. During the first half of the race I felt like I might be sick and it was like I was dragging around 2 lumps of lead (legs) but during the second half I felt awesome and I did not even stop once on the hills. It was great weather for running....a fine day but cool. I had a good day!

This Sunday is City to Surf. Once again, my training has been a bit of a "mixed bag". I have pretty much stuck to all planned sessions apart from a couple but the K's just haven't been there. I did a 14K last Sunday and it was very hard! I was home in exactly 90 minutes but I must bear in mind that heartbreak hill was not included so I am aiming for 95 minutes on Sunday. Fingers crossed! Part of me feels like just walking it but I am in the second start group which means nobody will be walking in my group and I must finish in under 100 minutes. I probably should never have got into that group. I do such stupid things sometimes!!!

I am on the hunt for a road bike at the moment. J bought himself an awesome bike last weekend, complete with all the snazzy gear for a pricely sum of $3000. It's a great bike and he really looks "the part". He is desperate for me to join him so, despite my lack of excitement for bike riding, I will get one. I have looked at a few but my issue is that I am so short so not many bikes are right for me. The only one I have found in my size is a pretty crappy bike. I will continue the search!!! At least bike riding is a low impact sport so it will complement my running quite nicely! If anybody knows a brand of road bike that does sizes suitable for a female about 5 foot 1-2 inches, please let me know!

This Saturday night I am meeting the famous "Kitty"!!! I have no idea how to create links or anything so my apologies! It should be fun!!! I won't be able to really "let down my hair" though because of the run the following day.....At least it will stop me "fretting" at home from my nervousness!

Diet has been pretty bad lately. Winter is just too hard and Miss Pinky just loves her chocolates way too much!!! Hopefully some warm weather (or some willpower) arrives soon! I was watching a documentary on SBS the other night.....It was following a group of people from being inactive to running a full marathon over the course of 40 weeks. It was an excellent program! A few of the participants were overweight and they did not lose much weight, despite running regularly and for long distances. The doctor was saying that for weight loss, diet is much more important than exercise. This is so true for me!!! Explains why I am a fat runner! I always think people must look at me and assume I am a lazy and inactive person.....They would never know I run regularly. I must get the food under control if I want to lose some weight!!! It would make running so much easier too and would improve my performance.

On a positive note, I booked a trip last week. In December, I am off to Phuket, Bangkok and Singapore for just over 3 weeks. I can't wait!!!! I love holidays.....sun, shopping, swimming, time not being important. An added bonus is that I find I tend to lose a bit of weight when I go to Asia. I think it is from all the walking and the fact that I generally only eat 2 meals a day. This is just an added bonus....the holiday in itself is pretty good too!

A new winter plan of action

2008-07-21T12:28:00.003+10:00

I have started to be very slack again…..skipping planned training sessions, over-eating, eating crap I shouldn’t be. The fact that J has not been allowed to exercise for the past week because of his torn hammie has just added to my “badness”. Ordinarily I would feel guilty that he is out running all the time and I am doing nothing but this week I have felt “guilt free”…..until now!
I have worked out that I don’t cope with winter very well at all. I actually think I start to get a bit depressed with the cold and the lack of daylight hours. I skip many more training sessions in winter than in Summer and I just feel completely unmotivated. So, I have a plan…. I hate getting up early to run because it is dark and cold and I find that if I plan exercise for after work I will find an excuse not to go. This morning I went for a run just after 7am (instead of 6am) and came into work an hour later than usual. This means I will finish an hour later (or earlier if all the other jokers disappear) but it means I can run at a reasonable time and get it out of the way early in the day.

Ordinarily I love to leave work at 4pm to get to the dog park during daylight but this is not an issue anymore as my psycho dog can’t go to the park anyway. So, I can leave work at 5pm and walk my dogs after work. I was also finding that I was feeling uncomfortable leaving work at 4pm anyway because I felt as though people were thinking badly of me…..especially because some people knew I was arriving at 8.30 instead of 8am! This way, I won’t feel bad about the time I leave either. Only time will tell if my new plan works…
J’s hammie is doing well. He can walk properly now and has had a few physio sessions. Tonight he is allowed to do a 20 minute run at 6 min/km pace so he will have to see how it pulls up. He will be spewing he has to run at basically my pace! The main thing is to let the injury heal though. Also….my hand has healed after my dog bite. There is only a small cut left but I can now shower with 2 hands, which I am loving!! I am so lucky that no infection set in.

I got some new runners on the weekend….Asics GT2130’s.

I love Asics. They are the only shoe that is right for me. The most exciting thing about my purchase is that the colour scheme of the shoe perfectly matches a running outfit that I have. I love colour coordination!! The runners made their debut this morning and they performed well. What I love most about Asics is there is no “breaking in” because my feet are so used to them. I also ran at a slightly better pace than last week too so I am not complaining.

J bought the shoes for me for an Anniversary present and he also bought me a Nike sportsband so I can now calculate my pace, distance, etc while I am running. I don’t usually care about this sort of stuff during normal runs but it will be very handy for events and especially for half marathons so I can monitor what I am doing.

Funny thing is that I also bought J shoes for his present. I got him the “Gold Coast marathon” edition GT2130’s….They are cool….gold and blue….nice looking runners! Not that J will care about the “look”!!

I have the Sutherland to Surf this Sunday and I am thinking I will do about 70 minutes. I did 68 last year but my fitness is rather hideous at the moment. Then I have the City to Surf 2 weeks after that. I am actually freaking out about that one because of Heartbreak Hill and also because I always get nervous on new courses. I am in the 2nd starting group so at least I don’t have to battle with thousands and thousands of people but I do have to come in at under 100 minutes, otherwise I won’t be warranted being in that group at all. I used my SMH Half result to get into this group….even though I haven’t run the C2S before.

I am seeing The Dark Knight on Wednesday. J’s work has booked Gold Class tix for everbody so it should be good. It is getting awesome reviews….Heath Ledger is supposed to be excellent in this movie. Friday is J and I’s 3 year anniversary. I am not sure what we are doing yet. I was thinking of booking a hotel room for the night but, if not, we will just do dinner somewhere nice. I love anniversary time….It always reminds me of when we were first together and how EXCITING that time was for me. I never, ever thought that I would end up in a relationship with him but it has all turned out perfectly! Most of the time at least!!!

Race Result, Dog Bite and a Torn Hammie

2008-07-16T15:16:00.003+10:00

So I completed the 10K Sri Chinmoy at Dolls Point on Sunday in 63:24. I am overly impressed by the time as I was expecting about 70 mins due to my bad form of late and I also "felt" like I was going very slowly on the day. Anyway....63:24 it is. It was great to meet a few CoolRunners....a bunch of lovely people who were really friendly and supportive.

The race was not without it's fair share of drama though.....J was doing the half and at about the 3K mark I saw him walking and he had torn his hammie. So he had to pull out. He was shattered! I tried to use this an excuse to pull out myself but after about a minute of trying to convince J I was more than happy to stop, he made me continue. Damn! I had a perfect excuse too!!!! J is now getting physio and undergoing an enforced break from running, which he isn't happy about.

My other "perfect excuse" for stopping was that I was bitten pretty badly by a dog the day before the run. To cut a long story short, I was bitten by a staffy at the dog park because my hand got in the way of him biting my dog. Many tears and a trip to the medical centre for treatment followed. The owner of the dog was a PIG!!! As soon as it happened I saw there were puncture wounds through my hand and I started bawling my eyes out. He just yelled at me for "making his dog look bad", etc and did not even offer any assistance. Everybody else in the park was having a go at him for not controlling his dog. This all happened because Max (my psycho mini foxie) was showing his teeth at the staffy because he wanted to fight him. So as soon as I put Max on the lead and went to drag him from the park the fight started but my hand was the only thing hurt. So, all in all, I am very silly for having Max at the park because he inititaes fights most of the time but the guy should have shown some concern once I was bitten at least! Needless to say, Max will never be at the park again. He obviously is not a social dog. My hand is healing very well. I am so lucky it didn't get infected. The wounds are nearly sealed and in a couple of days I will be able to shower with 2 hands...yay!!! Showering with one hand is hard work!

My food has still been good and I have even gone without dessert for about 2 weeks now. This is rather amazing for me as I have not gone without some sort of treat after dinner for about 6 years. The scales are going down and that is the main thing!

I have had to give Boxing a miss because of my hand so the weekly exercise plan looks like this:
MONDAY: Rest
TUESDAY: 8K run....done
WEDNESDAY: Body Attack
THURSDAY: 10K run plus Pilates class
FRIDAY: 10K run
SATURDAY: Spin class or Body Attack
SUNDAY: Rest

I am going to get some new runners this week. This time I will stick to my trusty ASICS. I think I will get some GT2130's. I have 1130's now and I love them but the 2130's come in a nicer colour so I want them...even though they cost quite a bit more. After all, the "look" is very important....ha ha ha!!!!

Work has been dreadfully quiet lately and each day just drags on forever! I can't help but "watch the clock" when it is like this. Winter is always quiet at my work. I guess it gives me a chance to "surf the net" but it can get rather annoying. I hate winter for so many reasons! I actually start to get a bit "down" in winter because I am cold and it gets dark so early. Exercise is much harder and I need to decide between taking my dogs out and exercising....which is always a tough decision. I prefer taking them out in daylight but if I exercise during daylight they get taken out when it is pitch black and cold. Summer is so much better! I can do everything in daylight.

Another run bites the dust!

2008-07-11T16:16:00.002+10:00

I went out for another 7K this morning. Once again I struggled and still sitting at about a 7min/K pace. I find it hard to believe I ran a half marathon about 8 weeks ago. Having said this, it was slightly easier than last time. I can't wait to get some fitness back so this running business is not such hard work. I will NEVER have such a long break from running again!!!

I went to a Pilates class last night. It was very good and I enjoyed it. Perhaps I have finally found a physical activity that I am slightly "OK" at?? I think Pilates works well with running....gives me a good chance to relax a bit and do some stretching and strengthening. It is so nice to come out of the Gym "dry" and not have to peel my sweaty clothes off my body.

My food is still excellent.....although my calories may be on the low side so I need to watch that. I don't care much for food at all at the moment. I only know that lunch time has arrived because my stomach grumbles like crazy. This is a VERY weird feeling for me. Certainly makes it easier to control food intake when you have no appetite though! The scales are down 2 kilos from Monday, although I am fully aware this would not be a "real" loss...probably just water and the shock of doing exercise again!

I am feeling really tired today. I can't wait to leave work in half an hour. It feels as though everybody is staring at my PC today and I have spent too much time surfing the net because it is quiet. I hate nosey people!!!!

I am having sushi for dinner tonight. There is an awesome sushi place near where I live....I have become addicted! After sushi, I will just veg out on the couch and have an early night. Tomorrow I will try hard to sleep in and then probably take my dogs out and get some housework done. Sunday is the Sri Chinmoy 10K for me and a half for J.....With my lack of fitness I will probably feel more shattered than him afterwards!! I am guessing I will only have to "hang around" for about half an hour after my 10K for J to finish....Probably the only benefit of being so mismatched in running ability! So it is shaping up as a fairly boring weekend really....but anything is better than being at work.

Kitty....Looking forward to you coming to Sydney soon. I am looking forward to meeting you as I am equally entrigued and scared by you.....ha ha ha!!! Your posts provide me with so much entertainment every day!

Have a good weekend everybody.....

Miss Pinky

In point form

2008-07-09T12:34:00.003+10:00

* Boxing last night was really good. I have so much fun in that class. I am glad I have found one form of exercise that does not feel like torture!

* Body Attack tonight and my legs are still killing from my run on Tuesday. I will just need to push through the pain.

* Tomorrow is a 6am Pilates class and an afternoon run....probably 7K's.

* Food has been excellent since yesterday morning.

* I am doing the Sri Chinmoy 10K run this Sunday at Dolls Point. With my disgusting form I will be lucky to finish in under 70 minutes but at least I am "back on the horse". J is doing the half marathon.....he is much tougher than I am!

* I am back on the Cool Running site....This is always a good sign that healthy living is becoming an interest again.

* Funny thing has been happening the last few days....I comment on a blog I have never commented on before and next thing I know the blog has become "private" or shuts down completely. This has happened a couple of times. Is this just a coincidence or reason for concern?? People's words are their own and they can do with them what they please so I won't take offence. I must admit that I don't think I have ever posted a rude, or even "controversial" comment on a blog. My apologies if you think I have!!

* Forgot to mention that I had a major hair chop last week.....It now sits just above my shoulders and is heavily layered. Prior to the chop it was just above waist length. At first I thought the haircut looked rather "rude" but now I like it. No more getting strangled by my hair at night and much quicker washing/drying time. I am no longer the "paddle pop lion" in the mornings. I will take a photo one day....

* In addition to the chop, I also had acrylic nails put back on. I love them! I feel much more "polished" with nice nails. They are currently painted bright red and, as somebody at work commented, "I look like a harlet".....Nice!!

* It is freezing in Sydney today....maximum temp of 14 degrees.....brrrrrrr.....It will be so nice walking my dogs this afternoon....Not!!! I absolutely hate cold weather! I have 3 heaters going in my house all winter and a heater under my desk at work. Not to mention the masses of coats, scarves, gloves, bed socks, flanelette PJ's AND a throw rug to put over myself at work. Bring on Summer!!!!!

Miss Pinky

Finally.....Some Running

2008-07-08T11:18:00.002+10:00

Enough is enough!!! I can't keep on avoiding running and just sit on my lounge eating bad food. My clothes are tight and I feel yuck! It is about a 3 kilo gain on the scales but it feels like about a 10 kilo gain of fat. So......I ran. I ran 7K's last night and it was so painful and so hard! I couldn't breathe properly and I could feel every inch of the extra weight I am carrying. It was a very hard slog and I had to stop quite a few times. I can't even imagine how I ran a half marathon 7 weeks ago! I felt so terrible afterwards for letting myself get this unfit. Unfortunately there is no "easy option" when it comes to fitness so I just need to keep at it and never have a 7 week rest from running ever again.

Despite the fact that the last thing I felt like doing this morning was going for a run, I dragged my fat arse out of bed and went. 7K's again and a tiny bit easier than last night. My pace is 7 minute K's, which is simply disgusting! I am normally 6.2 minute K's. The extra weight is dragging me done literally!! I know I will get back to where I was at but I need to keep getting out there and doing the K's. It is so much harder at the moment due to my lack of fitness though.

I have Boxing tonight and, ordinarily, I would hate to do 2 sessions in one day but I need to lose some weight very urgently so I am going.

I did my Bikram yoga last Friday night. It is not for me. A bit too "trippy" for me. The actual yoga was OK and I quite enjoyed the heat but the odd breathing sounds and the "talk" of the teacher turned me off. I sort of felt like I was being indoctrinated into some sort of cult. No offence to people who do yoga....I just think this type of yoga is not for me.....or maybe it was just this certain school that was not right?? The "talk" of the teacher seemed to assume that anybody who is doing yoga is there because there is something "wrong" in their life. Besides the fact that I am not the luscious size 8 that I wish I was, there is nothing "wrong" with me. I was just trying yoga for the stretching and strengthening aspect. I will stick to the Pilates though because that was great.

As of today I have started to be strict with my food again. I can't keep stuffing cakes and chocolate into my mouth and wonder why my clothes don't fit. It is only me who can make the change so that is what I am going to do. I think I need to cut out carbs (bread, rice, pasta, etc) completely so I will slowly start omitting things....otherwise I will feel like I am starving and binge.

Work is crap! I am pretty sick of it. Sick of dealing with stupid, annoying people. I hope I start to feel better about it but at the moment I am certainly not enjoying it. I can't wait for December to take 4 weeks leave and go overseas!!!

Miss Pinky

Gymming and Stuff

2008-07-03T11:10:00.003+10:00

So, what's been happening?? I have started back at the Gym, which is good news. The first week I only went a couple of times but this week I have been pretty good so far...2 Body Attacks, 1 Boxing class and 1 Pilates class under my ever-expanding belt. I did my first pilates class ever today. It was very, very good. Hard in a way that is very different for me. I am used to high intensity cardio where the difficulty lies in keeping up and breathing properly. The pilates class really worked my muscles and would be fantastic for strengthening I believe. I am also doing a Bikraam yoga class tomorrow for the first time. I have never done Yoga at all and this is done in a class heated to 38 degrees or something so it should be.....different! I love the idea of the heat and I love the idea of doing some low intensity stuff in place of my usual classes.

I have layed of the junk food considerably but I am still not being 100% strict with my food. I just need to gradually cut portions and cut things out or I will binge my head off!! The scales are showing a weight gain so I don't know what's going on there?? I have also started drinking more herbal teas and water. I feel much better though, even if the scales are not reflecting it. My skin is much clearer and I just feel "less full" and have more energy than a few weeks ago.

J and I have booked a weekend away to Noosa at the end of August. J is competing in the Noosa half marathon. The course is described as being "flat as a pancake". He is doing this in preparation for his full marathon in September. I am not sure if I will do Noosa yet. Considering the last time I ran was the 18th May, I may be a little "out of running shape", to say the very least!!!! I will start running again next week to get ready for my 11km run in a few weeks time. Not much training at all but the 11K is on a course that I run all the time and it's mostly downhill. I should be OK.

J and I are also looking at going to LA, Las Vegas and Mexico in December. The trip is going to be rather expensive though so we are still at the "investigation stage". Either way, I am taking 4 weeks annual leave in Dec and I will be going somewhere OS. I am very over work so I need a good break. My work is annoying me so much and I hate being on call 24hrs 7 days a week. If people cannot contact me IMMEDIATELY they don't even leave a message on my phone, they call my Boss. I don't think they realise I need to shower, go to the bathroom or do other stuff that I can't do with a phone. It is bad enough to always be on call, they should at least give me a few minutes to call them back!!!! GRRRRRRR!!!!!! This pisses me off so badly because I am actually very reliable and always call back within an hour. Now if only I could win Lotto.....

Well I am off to do some crappy paperwork and count down the hours until home time.

Miss Pinky

Hibernating

2008-06-18T10:46:00.003+10:00

(Pic is of me at SMH Half 18th May 2008)

As is usually the case when I have an extended break from posting, I have been very BAD! Today is exactly one month since the half and I have done ZERO exercise since then. When I say zero, I mean ZERO!!! I need to motivate myself....I am so lazy and I have put on about 3 kilos too. Yuck!

I am alone this week because J had to go to New Zealand for work. I get a bit scared at night but I am keeping busy. I must get back to exercise next week!!!!

I went to the Gold Coast 2 weekends ago and had an awesome time. I love it there so much! It was raining most of the time but I still had fun. I drank heaps and usually I don't drink at all. J and I went to this amazing strip club. The girls were absolutely stunning!!! I couldn't believe how beautiful they were!! We always go to strip clubs when we go away. It's always my choice....not J's. I love looking at naked girls, although I am not a lesbian (not that there is anything wrong with that!). J and I got a private show....I got a bit jealous afterwards because the girl was PERFECT.....10/10.....great figure, gorgeous face. I normally don't get jealous but I did this time. Nothing too serious and it was all forgotten pretty quickly.

While I was away, I watched a bit of the Gold Coast 100 race.....yes that is 100 KILOMETRES that they were running!!!! I could not believe what they were doing....what legends!!!! We watched from a fuel station at about the 75km mark and I was amazed how they just kept on going. I will never enter something like this.....I wouldn't physically be able to do it.....but it is great to see people really challenging themselves.

I also watched the MiniMos on Sunday. (Note to self: You should actually start entering rather than spectating!). J and 2 guys from his work went in it. It's supposed to be the hardest 10K course in Sydney. J finished in 47 mins but, of course, was unhappy with his time. I think he would only be happy if he came first! Speaking of first, Martin Dent won in 30.05, which matches last years record. What a gun runner he is!!!! It was the coldest day and really windy so it was such a good effort for everyone that was out there.

My next events are the Sutherland to Surf (11kms) in July, City to Surf (14kms) in August and the Blackmores half in September. I must start training for these! I really want to do 2hrs 10 mins for the Blackmores but this won't happen unless I get out there and do some running.

So what have I been up to if not exercising??? Shopping like a mad man!!!! I can't seem to stop buying clothes. It has been really cold in Sydney so my "excuse" is that I need warmer clothes. I am hoping J brings me back a pair of Gucci sunnies that I really want from Duty Free when he returns on Friday. Fingers crossed!!!! I have also been eating like a mad man....all bad stuff too. On Monday I will start....I promise!!!!

Miss Pinky

Quick Race Update

2008-05-19T09:10:00.002+10:00

Just a very quick update on the race.....I finished in 2 hrs 12 mins 29 secs so that is a PB for me by 2.5 minutes....yay!!!!

The course was not as hard as I expected and I was in no danger of missing the cutoff at all!

I am so glad it is over and I will update more tomorrow as I am really busy at work today.

Miss Pinky

So here comes the rain

2008-05-16T10:48:00.002+10:00

Sunday A few showers. Windy. City: Min: 10 Max: 16
West: Min: 8 Max: 15

mmmmm....nice weather forecast for Sunday.....NOT!!!
I don't really mind the cold. It will be much better than heat but if it rains that means I can't use my IPOD!!! I went for a 10K run last night without it and ran such a terrible time that I will miss the cutoff if I run that pace on Sunday!!! I am thinking I will just use my headphones and if they break, that is $129 I will have to dish out again. Maybe this is a better price to pay than failure???

So I am all booked into a hotel room for Saturday night. I do this to get a break from my dogs and housework before a race (dogs stay at my Mums). It gives me a chance to relax and prepare myself mentally. With the new running gear, entry fee, headphones, supplements, hotel cost, etc....this run has cost me about $1500 I reckon!! You would think I was an elite athlete or something!!!

**Update on the calf: It all seems OK after applying my blend of Voltaren Emulgel and Deep Heat for a few days. It is a little tender but nothing of any real concern.

All training is now complete and it is up to the "Gods" now what eventuates on Sunday. Today is my sister's 20th bday so I have dinner and drinks tonight. I don't drink so that is all OK. Only issue is that I MUST NOT wear high heels or I will hurt my calf again. A pretty dress looks silly with flat shoes when you are a midget like me so I think I will have to stick to jeans. Tomorrow morning I will rush around and take my dogs to the park and to the Vet for their vaccinations, then wash them and drop them at my Mum's. After this, it will be pure relaxation all afternoon and evening.....with a little carb loading on Saturday night.

This will be my last post before:
(a) Dying
(b) Failure or
(c) Personal Victory
Let's all pray for option "C"!!

I will post a race report after the race.

Have a great weekend all!!!!

4 more sleeps

2008-05-14T12:45:00.002+10:00

Just a quick update.....4 more sleeps until the half. I am very scared now!!! I am especially worried because I hurt my calf on Saturday night through wearing high heels!!!! I was thinking I may have to pull out of Sunday altogether but it is much, much better today so I have no excuse now. Because of my calf injury, I missed my runs on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday so I am feeling a little "behind the 8 ball" to say the least!!! I now have to run tonight and tomorrow night to make up for the missed sessions (looking at 8-10K each run). This means my rest days will now be limited to Friday and Saturday. Oh well....nothing else I can do!

I bought some awesome Motorola wireless headphones the other day. They were a great investment and I love not having any cords to deal with when I am running. They "talk" to my IPOD via bluetooth.....very cool! I also went to the Nike factory outlet at Auburn on the weekend and picked up a heap of stuff at really cheap prices. I would recommend this store for anybody who runs as they have great running tops and shorts at cheap prices. I didn't look at the shoes at all because Nike runners don't suit my feet.

Work is still very busy and I still can't focus on it. I really feel the need for at least a few days break but I have nobody to cover for me. It is all really starting to get me down. I have become so sharp to people on the phone because I am sick of them calling me all the time. Hopefully my work attitude improves after Sunday when I am not distracted by the race.

Anyway....back to the grindstone.....

Miss Pinky

10 days until Half Marathon

2008-05-08T10:21:00.002+10:00

So I think cancelling my trainer was the best thing to do. I have lost more weight in the past week than in 3 months seeing him! Running is definitely the best way for me to strip off the kilos. I am 64kgs today so I have cracked the 65kg plateau that my body loves.

I have 10 days until the half and my training is going to plan. I did a 19K run on Monday and, although I was close to tears for the last few K's (back pain), I finished and finished in a good time too. I would say I am on track for a 2 hour 15 minute finish next Sunday. This is my last long run before the race too. I will run a few 10K's and one 14K and I will have 3 days of complete rest starting next Thursday. I can't wait!!!! For the rest that is!!

I got my bib and chip in the mail yesterday so it is all very "real" now. The course looks a bit daunting to me. I hope I don't get lost and I hope it's not too hilly either. Unfortunately the course is 2 laps. This always plays with my mind...seeing the same things twice. Must think positive thoughts!!!!

So this weekend I have a friend's birthday on Saturday afternoon/night at a bar in the City. I am really feeling like a night out but unfortunately I won't be able to stay too late or I will mess up my training. I wish his birthday was after next weekend!! Sunday is Mother's Day so I am making the trek to my brother's house for lunch. That is over 2 hours in travelling time in itself!

Work has been terribly busy and I am just "burying my head in the sand" by trying to ignore the mountains of paperwork on my desk! I am going to be in a big mess by the end of the month. All I can think about is next Sunday....I can't focus on anything else.

Well it will all be over very soon....

Miss Pinky

Running & Stuff

2008-05-02T15:38:00.001+10:00

Last night was my last session with my personal trainer. Yay!!! I feel so relieved! I guess I liked seeing him because it meant I had to go to the Gym at certain times and couldn’t pike out and we also did some different things but, in all honesty, I saw him for about 3 months 3 times a week and didn’t see any real results. I know it’s not his fault….It is mine for not being really strict with my food but I am happy I am not paying all that money for no results anymore. There is no point paying the money if I’m not strict with the food. He believes J and I will continue seeing him after the half marathon but I guess that was our “soft approach” to cancelling him. After the half, we will let him know we have decided to channel the $750 every 4 weeks into something else.

So now that I have no set training times, I can concentrate on the running. I did a 16.5K run on Monday night. It was absolutely FREEZING but I got through it pretty well. My speed averaged 6.4min K’s so I am still on track for that cutoff!!! Lower back pain really kicked in for the last few K’s but I just have to deal with that. I will take some nurofen before the race to try and prevent some of the pain and also to avoid any migraines coming along. I asked some questions about the lower back pain on long runs when I first started running the longer distances last year and I was told it was happening because my core strength was poor. I have done heaps of core work with my trainer the last few months so I really believe it is just my body not being used to continually moving in the same way for such a long time.

I am running 10K’s after work today….Lovely day here so I am lucky! I will do another 10K run over the weekend and Monday will be my last long run before the half……19K’s. I am confident I will make the distance now that I have added some long runs into my training.

Work has been so crap lately! It has been really, really busy and I have had to come in early to keep up with the workload. There are also people at work who are really annoying me at the moment…..adults acting like little kids! Anyway I will just soldier on…..no point complaining because nobody will listen.

I watched the Biggest Loser finale last night. Some of them had amazing results…..especially the finalists. They looked completely different. I haven’t talked much about my weight lately because I haven’t really been as focused on it as usual. I am still the same weight but I think I look slightly leaner. I have come to accept (I think) that I will always have bigger legs and I just have to be the best I can be. I am thinking I may do a low carb diet after the half but I will certainly wait until after that or I won’t finish!!

I am not sure what’s on the agenda for this weekend?? I have no plans as yet but I am very much looking forward to escaping from work for a couple of days……although my job requires me to be on call 24hrs 7 days a week so HOPEFULLY I don’t get any phone calls!!!!

Have a great weekend all!

Miss Pinky

I am one LAZY Blogger!!!

2008-04-23T11:32:00.002+10:00

I have been sooooooo lazy with updating this Blog!!! I still check everyone's blog but I just could not be bothered to put an update on my own Blog....so here 'tis!

The half marathon is fast approaching.....Only 3 and a half weeks to go!!!! I am feeling rather scared but I feel confident that I should make the cutoff time (11kms in 75 mins) if all goes to plan. My issue is that it will take me about 4 minutes to get across the starting line because I am a slow runner who starts at the back. This means I have to make the 11kms in around 71 mins (The marshalls will not know how long it took me to cross the line). I need to sit at 6.45min K's or better.

I have started my running training now and it is going OK. I was very worried last week when I did a 7K and a 5K and they both hurt like hell. I did 14K on Monday and was feeling much, much better. My speed averaged at 6.2min K's so I should be fine on the day. My plan is to do the following over the next few weeks:

Monday: 10K run
Tuesday: 20 mins treadmill at 10-12K/hr speed plus 30 mins personal training
Wednesday: 10K run
Thursday: 20 mins treadmill at 10-12K/hr speed plus 30 mins personal training
Friday: 20 mins treadmill at 10-12K/hr speed plus 30 mins personal training
Sat/Sun: Long run (this week 15K....next week 16K......week after 17K)

This plan will mean my longest run will be 17K and I will do this a week out from the half. If I can do 17.....I can do 21.1. After the 17K the weekend before the half, I will do a 5K on the Tuesday and the Thursday and nothing at all on Friday/Saturday as I need to do some form of tapering before the race. For the last half I did, I trained up to 21K and I just don't think it was really necessary. All it did was really hurt me and meant I had no energy for a few days afterwards.

Unfortunately the lower back pain is back (starts at about the 12K mark) despite doing heaps of core work with my trainer. I will need to take dencorub with me for the long runs now I think and I will have some nurofen before I run to try and help with it.

I went to 2 expos last week and they were both unreal!!! I went to the Runner's Expo on Wednesday night which was held by NRG (Northside Runners Group). It was very good and J even won a $75 voucher for a running store at Manly. They just had a number of stalls set up with products and information related to running. I got a massive stick of Body Glide for $15.....bargain!!!

On Sunday J and I went to the Fitness Expo at Darling Harbour. This was FANTASTIC!!!!! There was so much stuff there I was interested in. I ended up buying 2 Mizuno running outfits (tights and singlet) for $75 per outfit and then I could not help myself and bought the runners that completely matched one of the outfits. I probably look like a real freak in matching gear from head to toe but it is great quality stuff and I feel good in it. I still prefer my Asics GT's over the Mizunos but I will give them time and see how they go. At least I will look good as I get disqualified from the race for being too slow...ha ha ha!!!!

The Commando (from the Biggest Loser) was there and he runs a training Gym pretty close to where I live so J and I are considering doing some training with him. It would be absolutely full-on training but I think it would be really good to do. I feel that my trainer now is not pushing me hard enough in all sessions and I want to be pushed to the point where I feel I will be physically sick. This sounds sadistic but if I am paying....I want results! J has emailed the Commando and is waiting on a response re. fees, etc.

In "non exercise" news, life is ticking along nicely. Work is a little quiet at the moment and I have seen a very negative side to somebody who I work with that now means I must be on my guard at all times. I am looking forward to the long weekend to catch up on some rest and to just chill out! I hope everbody has a great weekend!!

Miss Pinky

Easter Update

2008-03-26T12:47:00.003+11:00

So I am back at work after 5 days away. It was so nice to have some time off! Our drive to and from Melbourne took 11 hours each way. This included our regular stops at Yass and Albury. It wasn't too bad because the dogs were sedated. I wish I knew about this "sedative" business the last time we drove there!

The place we stayed in was very nice and modern and opened directly out into a massive dog park.....which was really convenient. The only issue was that the "landlady" was a mad psycho with a massive list of house rules, which she rattled off as soon as we stepped out of the car. She didn't want the dogs on the lounge, on the bed, in the garden, eating anything other than dry food....blah blah blah!!! Why rent the place out as "pet friendly" then???? Luckily she went away on Friday arvo until Sunday arvo so we had some peace and quiet.

As soon as she came back she started again....yelling out at us from the balcony above....telling us where to go in Melbourne, asking where the dogs were sleeping, etc. She yelled out that she had to come down and water the garden so we had to lock the dogs inside. Stupid cow!!!! To top it off she started calling Jason's mobile on Sunday night when we were at dinner to tell us the dogs were barking. The dogs were only barking because the "holiday villa" she was renting out was actually the lower level of her townhouse she had converted into a separate residence and, as such, the dogs could hear her stomping around above them and they must have thought she was trying to break in. We were gone for about an hour in total and she carried on so much when we returned. Lovely place but I will never stay there again. It felt like we were staying at a distant relatives house....no privacy at all!

Despite the stupid freak, we had a good time in Melbourne. We had some yummy food and even ventured out to a "night spot" on Saturday night. I had a few drinks, which is very unusual for me but I felt it the next day. Melbourne is starting to "grow" on me. They are much more welcoming of dogs there and there are so many more places to eat and things to do than in Sydney. If we had jobs there, I may even consider moving. The real estate is much cheaper than Sydney, that's for sure!

Much of the weekend was spent with me trying on jeans. I desperately want a pair but after trying on around 50 pairs (no joke) I realise they probably don't make jeans that look nice on girls with bigger legs/bum and smaller waist. Also, all the jeans seem to be really low cut and the higher waisted ones are all skinny jeans. Damn! I need jeans because J bought a really hot motorbike last week. He traded in the scooter for this puppy.....

Exept it is yellow, black and grey. It is one hot bike....let me tell you!!! So we bought some leather riding jackets in Melbourne....J's matches the bike perfectly and mine is white. I need some jeans to wear with it because leather pants don't work on me.

Exercise was non existent in Melbourne. All I did was eat.....but I enjoyed every minute of it! Back to the Gym this morning and it was amazing how easy running was after a few days rest and heaps of carbs! I even got up to 14km/hr on the treadmill which normally does not happen. On a bad note, my trainer did my body fat percentage on his scales this morning and it was 25%!!!! That means 1/4 of my body is pure lard!!! Yuck!!!! Oh well.....one day at a time....

Miss Pinky

Finding the Balance

2008-03-18T12:45:00.002+11:00

Still doing really well with my exercise and sticking to the 5 sessions per week. I am not sure how much longer I will stick with the trainer.....it is getting rather expensive!! I am just worried if I stop seeing him I will stop going to the Gym because I have no "appointment" to attend. I guess I will have to start some serious running training very soon to be ready for this half marathon in May! I have been doing a little running but only up to 10km and I need to get to about 15/16km distances ASAP.

My food has been rather "mixed"......plenty of healthy stuff mixed in with treats when I feel like them. The treats have probably been a little too frequent but I actually feel "good" (gasp!) about myself. I did a Body Attack class last night and a couple of times I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrors and I looked like a "normal" person....not an overweight person. This was a good feeling!!

I did some "exercise shopping" on the weekend. I got a matching Gym outfit (tights and singlet), some new weights gloves and some new boxing wraps. The cost of anything to do with being healthy (fruit, vegetables, meat, running shoes, exercise clothes, etc, etc) just makes me sick!!! We have such an issue with obesity in this country and the cost of healthy living just goes up all the time. If I want a complete meal, I can get this at Hungry Jacks (burger, chips, coke and icecream thing) for under $6......yet a chicken and salad roll costs more than that alone. Every week when I do the grocery shopping I try so hard to save money and I am finding it basically impossible. If I want to eat healthy, I need to pay the price. If I were content to live on 2 minute noodles, chips, chocolate, etc.....I could save plenty of money. This is my bitch for the day!

So J and I are off to Melbourne for the weekend. We are driving with the dogs....Such a long drive....Yuck!!! I am looking forward to some time off and just pottering around Melbourne. I am really looking forward to the cakes in St Kilda to be honest....ha ha ha!!!! Yummo!!!!

Well I best be off and do some work now....

Miss Pinky

Fat Day

2008-03-05T13:24:00.002+11:00

Today I just feel so fat it is not funny!!!! The number on the scales was not even bad this morning but I feel absolutely enormous, for some reason?? Truth be told, I have been pretty bad the past few days. I eat to "plan" for most of the day but then go and buy cookies and chocolate after I finish work and eat it before J gets home. This "secret eating" is worrying me!! If I need to hide it, then obviously what I am doing is not good. Last night I had to buy some bread from Coles.....I just had to buy a 6 pack of Mars Bar cookies and I also bought a chocolate bar and threw the wrapper out before I jumped in the car so that J would never know I had it. What is WRONG with me?? I may think I can "con" everybody else but I can't con myself. As if the "hiding" of the food means the calories do not count!!!!!!! I have also started a nasty habit this week of having Dare coffee milk for breakfast.....how grose!

Still going to the Gym though so I guess that is something at least. I wonder why I am bothering to pay all this money for the trainer when I stuff it all up with bad eating anyway!! For some people exercise is more important than food for their weight loss. For me, food is MUCH more important than exercise. I could lose weight easily if my food was spot on and I did zero exercise. Unfortunately though, I just can't control myself. I love food.....bad food and lots of it!!!! Just for the record I don't exercise and get no results at all from it......What exercise does do is generally make me eat healthier or, at the very least, it keeps me away from the fridge for an hour!

I so wish I could just be happy with myself for being healthy and fit and not focus on my weight so much. I just can't let this obsession go though!!! I guess I will have bad times and good times and today is just a BAD DAY!

Miss Pinky

Half Marathon

2008-03-04T14:44:00.004+11:00

I am not sure what has come over me but I have registered today for the Sydney Morning Herald Half Marathon on May 18th. I must be crazy! Already my palms feel sweaty and it is 2 and a half months away!!!! This may sound rather insane but I don't think I am going to train for this run. I will just stick to my usual fitness routine.....5 sessions per week, consisting of 3 personal training sessions (including 3.5kms running each session), 1 Body Attack class and one Boxing class or a 10km run. I am only planning on seeing the trainer for another month so, once the month is up, I will replace these training sessions with 10km runs. About 4-5 weeks out from the half, I will up some of the 10K's to about 15K's but that will be it. I am not running this to any particular time and I know I can do the distance.....so I will not be killing myself with the weekly long runs that smash me for a week. My fitness level is very good so I will be OK. This is what I am telling myself anyway!!!!

Not much else has been happening. Still plodding along trying to lose some weight. I am not the "angel" I was a few weeks ago. I still stick to my exercise but have had the odd day here and there of bad eating. My clothes still fit luckily so I need to try and restrict the bad stuff a little more. I know it will be much easier running the half with a few less kilos to lug around!!

Jack does not need an operation ($300 X-Ray later). They think he has soft tissue damage or perhaps early onset arthritis. He is having a course of injections and glucosamine/chondroitin supplements and we will see how he goes. Hopefully it improves but there is a chance he will need injections on and off for the rest of his life. At least he won't be all stressed out and hurt from an operation.

Work has been very, very hectic. I can't believe how busy it has been!!! I can't spend my usual time reading Blogs!! At least the days go pretty quickly. I get paid my bonus next month and I can't wait! Although I am yet to decide what I will do with the money. I should really put it in savings but I would love to buy something exciting....

Here are a couple of pics from the wedding we went to last week. I just LOVE this dress. It is my sister's....so pretty and so comfortable!

Over and Out

Miss Pinky

1 Wedding and an Operation

2008-02-25T15:19:00.000+11:00

Today I have a bad case of Mondayitis. J and I went to a wedding last night and didn’t get to sleep until about 1am….This is very late for me, especially on a “school night”. The wedding was really lovely. It was a Greek wedding and everything was done correctly and certainly not “on the cheap”…..basically all Greek weddings are quite extravagant though. Much of the service and the reception was in Greek so I am not really sure of too much that went on. I think J and I were the only non-Greeks there!! I think the main reason I had a good time is that I was wearing the most beautiful dress with the most beautiful heels and for the first time in a long time I felt “attractive”.

I have been really good with my “healthy living” so I am feeling good about myself. I swear that going off the pill has had such an awesome impact on my appetite….I am so much less hungry than before. I used to watch the clock and count down the minutes until each meal and now I find that my stomach starts grumbling before I realise it is lunch time. Another positive from going off the pill (or at least I think it is because of this) is my insatiable sexual appetite. I want sex every night now and before I used to do it probably once a week but that seemed too much for me. J must be loving this new state of affairs. Problem is that now we must use condoms and they are the grossest things! I am always paranoid he will “get too close” during the foreplay and I will get pregnant. If we ever get around to actually having a baby, J can get “the snip” afterwards. This will make life much easier!

I am still frequenting the Gym and I am still seeing my trainer. I am so dedicated at the moment that I even went for a run yesterday because I knew I would feel too tired today after my late night yesterday. I feel so much stronger and so much more confident. The next time I slip into my bad old patterns I need to remember how good “being healthy” feels. I am enjoying not hating myself at the moment.

My food has been pretty much perfect. I stick to between 1200-1500 calories a day. In 3 weeks, I have had 2 days of very bad eating and the rest has been right on track. I am still sitting at the same weight (65 kilos….Just over 3 kilos down from when I started) but I think I look so much better. I don’t really buy into the “muscle weighs more than fat” thing but I do think I look as though I have lost more than 3 kilos.

Things with J are so awesome at the moment…..Probably due to the massive increase in sexual frequency…ha ha ha!!!!!! It feels like when we were first together. We are really close and cuddle all the time and are much nicer to each other too. I can’t believe how much our relationship has turned around since November last year. It is amazing! I never thought we would get back to this place again. J’s friend is getting married in London in September so we are thinking of going to that and using it as an excuse to go to Paris and Rome. Man….I will eat my head off in those countries!!!! I will need to get to at least 5 kilos below where I want to be to give myself some “eating room”.

So my exercise plan for this week is as follows:
Mon: Rest Day (ran Sunday instead)
Tues: 20 mins run plus 30 mins trainer
Weds: 1 hour Body Attack
Thurs: 20 mins run plus 30 mins trainer
Fri: 20 mins run plus 30 mins trainer
Sat: 1 hour Boxing
Sun: Rest Day

On a sad note, it looks as though my dog, Jack, will be needing an operation. A few weeks ago he started to limp on his back leg for no reason. He will be having an X-Ray this week and the Vet thinks he has torn a knee ligament. If this is the case, the operation will be about $1200 and there is no guarantee it will stop him limping. He is only 2 years old though and loves running so much….so I need to at least give the operation a go. This will be his 2nd operation in 2 years. Dogs can be so expensive….You just never know what can go wrong. Despite the expense, I hate seeing him all sad and in pain after operations and I just hate leaving him at the Vet all day. I love my dogs to bits!

Miss Pinky.

Still Here.....

2008-02-11T15:55:00.000+11:00

Usually when I have such a long absence from posting, it means I have gone off the rails with my food and exercise……Well not this time!!!!! I feel very proud of my efforts over the past couple of weeks. I have “nearly” been an angel I tell you!!! My food during the week has been spot on (between 1200-1400 calories a day) and there have only been a few small deviations on the weekends. My training has been excellent and I now do 5 sessions a week. My general routine is as follows:

Mon: 1 hour running or 1 hour Body Attack class
Tuesday: 20 minutes running on treadmill plus 30 minutes personal trainer
Wednesday: 1 hour Body Attack class
Thursday: 20 – 30 minutes running on treadmill plus 30 minutes personal trainer
Friday: 20 minutes running on treadmill plus 30 minutes personal trainer
Sat & Sun: Days Off

I am happy with this routine……In all honesty I would be happier with the “eating snacks on the couch while watching TV” routine but I just can’t do that unfortunately. 5 sessions a week should be enough to get some results without overdoing it and becoming bored and bitter!! I treat the Body Attack classes as “dance classes” instead of exercise so I don’t feel so angry about having to go. There is a small amount of choreography there but certainly not enough to qualify as dancing….Just makes me feel better though! My fitness has improved already and I have lost a few kilos also. I am feeling much better about myself. It is nice to fit into clothes instead of stuffing myself into them! I still have quite a bit to go but I am heading in the right direction!!!

Work has been very boring and quiet and the days have just been dragging on. Even with the boredom I have not succumbed to mindless snacking, which is good. I only take the food to work that I want to eat (healthy) and there aren’t any shops near my work so I can’t get anything else. There is a snack machine but it’s been broken lately. Since I went off the pill a few weeks ago I haven’t been craving chocolate though. Weird thing is that I have not been as hungry since going off the pill. I wonder if something has really changed physically or it is all in my head??? Either way, I am not complaining!

After my boring week of work I have a busy weekend coming up. I am going to my brother’s house for his birthday BBQ on Saturday and then on Sunday we have a Christening. Both of these events will have bad foods present so I need to stay STRONG!!! It will be hard though because I generally see weekends as my escape from the dieting and exercise regime.

J and I went to the Blue Mountains 2 weekends ago. We stayed in a lovely cottage in Katoomba and we took the dogs as the place was dog friendly. It was such a nice place…..log fire, clawfoot bath, beautiful gardens. It was nice to get away and just relax. It was raining most of the time so we just pottered around, went for lunch, played board games, etc. Our next little trip away will be to Melbourne at Easter. I am not sure if we will drive with the dogs and get dog friendly accommodation or if we will fly and leave the dogs with my Mum. I hate leaving the dogs but I hate the thought of 2 12 hour trips in the car…..Yuck!!!! The good thing about going to Melbourne this time will be that I dare say J will not be interested in seeing his Mum….after her rudeness at Christmas. So it will just be us doing our own thing. I am hoping I will have lost a further 6 kilos by Easter and be at my original “goal weight”. Then I can treat myself a little. I will keep up this effort and I guess only time will tell…

Miss Pinky

Positive Post at Long Last!!

2008-01-25T09:02:00.000+11:00

I am feeling REALLY happy with myself today! For the past 2 days I have eaten "perfectly".....no naughty snacks at all.....and I have been very good with my exercise. I now see the trainer on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays and I do a "Body Attack" class on Wednesdays. If I like, I can do no exercise Sat, Sun and Mon as 4 sessions is still good. Or I can add in an extra one during those 3 days. My arms and my bum are aching today from doing back-to-back sessions with him last night and this morning.

He also recommended that I go off the pill as he thinks this could be causing me to hold weight. I have been on the pill since I was about 16 (14 years at least) so I really don't know what my "natural" adult body looks like....That is, without the hormones. So, I have "kicked" the pill and J and I will now resort to condoms I guess. Gees I hate them but I am willing to give anything a try to get good results. At the moment I only get my periods 3-4 times a year because I keep cycling the active pills so I am NOT looking forward to regular periods at all. After 14 years I dare say they won't be too regular anyway! I am not meant to be on the pill anyway because I suffer from "visual aura migraines" (migraines that affect my vision) and taking the combined pill when you suffer from these increases your risk of stroke. The trainer didn't tell me this....I already knew this.

I can notice a small difference in my stomach. I think it has deflated a bit, which is awesome! Much more deflation is required though!!! A funny thing is that when I am being healthy J and I get on much better. Probably the exercise increases my "happy chemicals" or something! There is no doubt about it, exercise IS a great thing even though it is such a bitch to do most of the time!

My dog, Jack, is sick again! This time I believe he has "Kennel cough" which is a really bad thing. He has been vaccinated for this so he won't get really sick like non-vaccinated dogs do but I feel really sorry for the poor thing. He is so sad and walks around with his tail between his legs. I got woken up at 3am today by him coughing really hard. It sounds as though he is trying really hard to cough up phlegm or something and his whole chest area contracts while he does it. I will take him to the vet tonight to make sure he will be OK. It is my silly fault he has this....The dog park we always go to has had a sign up on the gate the last few days warning that Kennel Cough is present. I stupidly thought "How can it possibly just hang around in a park? He will be OK". I am a bad dog mother. Once again, Max is fine. I think his fat protects him from everything and he will live to 100!! I really worry about Jack and get petrified he will die young. I would need to go into a psychiatric hospital if he died....I could not cope!

On a more positive note, I am hanging out for this long weekend. I am not doing much at all but just looking forward to an extra day of not being at work. It has been pretty quiet at work and it has been so hard to try and stay busy....or at least "look" like I am busy! I hope I can stay pretty much on track with my eating over the weekend. I should plan some BBQ dinners or something (meat and salad) so I know what is on the menu. Tonight I am having homemade sushi for dinner and I can't wait....It is sooooooo yum and homemade means there is no mayonnaise in the rolls. I hate when sushi places put mayo in there.....It is so disgusting!!!

My thought of the day is: "You are not doing this to look slim....You are doing this because none of your winter clothes fit you. For this reason, you must succeed within the next few months".
This is the truth. My summer clothes are pretty much OK because they are all dresses and flowy skirts but my winter pants, jeans and coats do not fit and I really like my clothes so I don't want to buy new stuff.

Have a great long weekend everybody and "Happy Australia Day"!!

Miss Pinky

Tuesday TidBit

2008-01-22T13:10:00.000+11:00

Well I personally thought that my last post was really funny! I thought people would get a good laugh out of it. I guess I won't be giving up my day job to be a comedian any time soon!!! Thanks for all your comments on my last post....I know that self-hating is terrible and just encourages bad things to come into my life. I need to stop putting myself down all the time!!!

I have always wondered if I would feel better about myself if I had a partner that I felt completely loved me, no matter what I looked like. I have always felt that J feels disgusted by me and wishes so badly that I was slim. I think the reason for this is that J always goes to the Gym and looks after his body whereas I treat mine more like a "temple of doom" than a temple! Funny thing is that J sent me this email after reading my last blog post.....

What is wrong with you???
You are turning into a psycho. You are putting unnecessary pressure on your self and turning something that could be easy for you into something horrible.
So what you eat some bad things, that is the reason you are doing exercise so you can eat some bad stuff and not worry about it. Focus not on what you eat but on burning it off. Big deal we had pizza last night pizza surprisingly is not that bad, it had minimal cheese on it and meat...
I am beginning to think you need more then a PT you might need a doctor to deal with you mental issues..
Stop placing unnecessary pressure on your self and try and assert some self control with out being a Nazi about it. If you want bad things look for bad things that are good . Its not that hard... STOP BEING SILLY THINGS ARE NOT THAT BAD.

This made me really think for the first time "perhaps he is not as obsessed with my weight as I am". I actually felt really liberated by this email....even if he was calling me a psycho!!!! I realised that how I see myself may not be reality. Perhaps every person is NOT staring at me when I walk down the street thinking "You fatty". Perhaps I do not stand out as "the fat person". Perhaps nobody is looking at me when I eat in a food court. (I will leave the examples here or you will see I am truly a psycho....ha ha ha!!!)

So now I shall post some good things I have been doing.....All part of my "stop self-hating" plan...
I have now had 3 personal training sessions. The first two were not really hard but this morning my trainer absolutely CANED me!!! I was swearing and everything!! I am feeling OK now though. I have decided to "up" my sessions from 2 per week to 3 per week. This will force me to do at least 3 exercise sessions a week and this will be sufficient even if I don't manage to do anything else. I would love to do 5 exercise sessions a week but 3 is better than none. I am only planning on seeing him for about 3 months so I need to do all I can to get results!!!

Food is better than it has been but still not great. For breakfast I have been having a mango, a tub of yoghurt and 1/2 cup skim milk blended with heaps of ice....really yummy. Lunch the last 2 days has been turkish bread toasted with ham, swiss cheese, tomato and avocado. If I swap the turkish for a brown roll and swap the cheese for weight watchers cheese this will then be OK. Still having a few biscuits after work, which I need to stop and still having icecream after dinner but only a small bowl now. Dinner is always pretty good. A few minor changes to the food and I should be OK. I could never go on really low calorie diets or no carb diets as I would last about 5 minutes.

My weight is up to it's highest point but I am trying to focus on the positives....That I have the trainer now and I work very hard when I am with him. I am trying to believe that it will all be OK. A small bit of afternoon/evening willpower over the food and I will get there!

On a non-diet related matter, I have been invited to a Cypriot (hope the spelling is right) wedding at the end of Feb. This is a guy who lives down the road from us but we are not really close to. I have never even met his fiance as J and I were "having a break" when the engagement party was on so I didn't go. Anyway, I have also received an invitation to her "Bridal Shower" a few weeks before the wedding. I don't want to go as I SERIOUSLY will not know one person!! I have met the groom's mother once but that is it!! My question is, do I still buy her a gift for her bridal shower even if I don't go? I am not too "up to speed" with these type of things. I know for an Aussie wedding you would get a gift if you were good friends with them, even if you didn't go but I don't know this girl at all! I am not a tightarse....Just want to make sure I do the right thing. I no longer go to things I don't want to......I decided this about a year ago as I used to spend all my time trying to get out of things so now I just say "no" upfront. I will attend the wedding though because J will be there.

Till Next time....
Miss Pinky

Fat, fat, fat!!!!!!

2008-01-17T13:26:00.000+11:00

After my semi-bagging of the personal trainer that he didn’t work me hard enough, etc…..I received my “karma” yesterday in the form of an aching body that felt like I had been hit by a train. Every part of me ached, even my armpits!!! Today I am feeling a bit better but still a little tender. I have another session with him tonight and I should be OK. Even if I am not I will still try my hardest because I hate showing any signs of weakness!!! J is considering joining me on my PT sessions and I have spoken to my PT about this. He thinks that this might not work because J wants to build muscle and I want to lose fat. Maybe J will just agree to do whatever I am doing, although with heavier weights, etc. We will sort this out in the next few days. It is not that much more money for J to be there too, so this isn’t really an issue.

My food has been bad, bad, bad and I am in severe self-hating mode. Yesterday I had McDonald’s for lunch, half a bag of fantail lollies for a “snack” and pizza, garlic bread and an Oreo McFlurry for dinner!!!!! I absolutely disgust myself but can’t seem to stop this self-sabotage!!! I am an animal!!! (No…..this is slack to animals).

Speaking of animals, my dog, Jack, was really sick on Tuesday night, throwing up everywhere. I didn’t get any sleep at all. Thank God he is better now. I was so worried about him but I wanted to wait and see how he was by last night before taking him to the Vet. By about 4pm he was much, much better. I am not sure why he was sick but I assume he ate something dodgy in the backyard. The other dog, Max, was fine.

So I came to some realisations yesterday, which I would like to share. This section will be entitled “You know things have gotten out of hand when”…..
(1) You do not consume one bit of water in a full day. This was me yesterday. First time in about 3 years with ZERO water. I replaced healthy water with chemically laden Coke Zero and fat, fat, Dare coffee milk.
(2) You have to go home from work at lunch time because the pants you wore to work are too tight and you need to change into a loose skirt that does not hug your fat. Once again, this was me yesterday.
(3) You have to go to a different store in the afternoon to get your bag of FAT lollies, even though there is another store that is more convenient. Reason is that you are ashamed to go to your usual store because the lady would remember you getting your FAT Dare coffee milk that very morning. Yep….me again!
(4) You smuggle your bag of lollies into the office so nobody can see how FAT you are and you then carefully eat them all afternoon, hoping nobody can see you or hear the wrappers being opened. Hippo me once more.
(5) You put your McDonald’s bag from lunch into the outside bin so your boyfriend does not know how FAT you are. Funny thing is, he is not blind so I think he knows I am FAT anyway!!! (Note: He found it anyway when he took the garbage out!)
(6) You have to put talcum powder in between your thighs when you wear a skirt on a hot day to stop the “fat man rash” from coming. Yes, I make me sick!!!
(7) You are sitting in front of the TV in the afternoon with a full packet of water crackers and a jar of jam and you dip the whole packet of crackers into the jam and then eat it. Note to self: Jam IS NOT a dip Fatso!!!!!
(8) You hang around the house covered in a sarong because nothing else fits you that is comfortable anymore.
(9) When you shower you try not to look down because the sight of your lard will scare you and make you sick. It is rather difficult to shower without looking down!
(10) You pretend you feel sick so you can convince your boyfriend to have takeaway for dinner. You are not sick at all, you just want the FAT food rather than healthy steak and salad. Boyfriend must think “I would feel sick too if I ate what you did!”. He doesn’t say this out loud though because Fatso may sit on him and he will die.

Reading this back, it is rather funny but I am laughing AT me, not WITH me. This is a hard reality check for you, you absolute pig! Things MUST change and they must change NOW!!!!!!
Well, at least after we have cake at work this afternoon for someone’s birthday!!! Some pigs just never change!! J

(I am aware this is a really negative post towards myself but this is the way I need to be to generate some much needed change)

Miss Pinky

Bored To Bits!

2008-01-15T14:30:00.000+11:00

(Once again I can't work out how to put words near the pics! Dog on floor is Max and dog on bed is Jack)

Far out…..I am soooooo bored at work it is just killing me!!! I have to wait for this guy at my work to do something before I am able to complete my work and he hasn’t done his “thing” so far this week so I am just sitting here trying to look busy while the paperwork piles up on my desk!!! This means that I am bored now and later in the week I will be really busy….Thanks heaps work guy!!! I can’t actually say anything because he is just covering the person’s job who normally does it for a couple of days.

I had my first personal training session this morning. It went OK I guess but I can’t feel anything in my muscles and the stuff we did was a bit basic I think. I ran for 20 minutes on the treadmill before having my 30 minute session so, all up, I did 50 minutes of exercise. Better than laying in bed I think! I am wondering if half an hour sessions are too short?? It seemed that as soon as it had started the half hour was up. I should really give it a few sessions before I pass judgement…..picky old cow that I am! The honest truth is probably that I don’t want to have to exercise….ha ha ha!!!

Food-wise I have been a little all over the shop…..Some things good, some not so good. I have to remain positive that one day I will strike some sort of balance between being healthy and treating myself.

I am going to the movies tonight. I never, ever go out anywhere during the week and I made a sort of “resolution” this year to try and do small things during the week to make the working week less painful for me. J and I are having some sushi for dinner and then watching I Am Legend. I don’t know what it is like but tickets are cheap on Tuesdays and at least it will get me out of the house. I hope my dogs don’t get upset when we are gone….Yes, this is how obsessed I am with my dogs!!! I hate leaving them alone at any time during the night but especially on week days when they have been alone all day anyway. My dogs are way too spoilt! I even slept top-to-tail in the bed with J last night (wrong way around) so a dog could have my pillow to sleep on at the top of the bed. Typing these words I realise I have mental issues!!!

I am trying to work out what to get J for Valentine’s day?? I know it is a month away but I get paid on the 15th of each month so I need to get his present with this pay. I was going to get him some new runners but he went into a running shop on the weekend and told me he is buying himself a new pair this week. It is so funny because every time I decide to buy him something, he buys it…..or I buy him something and then he tells me he wants to buy it and I have to tell him I already have it and ruin the surprise!! He really has everything so I find it very hard to buy for him. I think we have decided to go to the “Meat and Wine Co” in Darling Harbour for dinner on Valentine’s night. It is a really yummy restaurant….Probably not one for vegetarians!!

Miss Pinky….aka Miss “Piggy”!!!!!

Back to the Grind

2008-01-14T12:37:00.000+11:00

Monday again.....Yuck! I really miss the RDO's I used to get at my old work. It meant that I had something small to look forward to each month. Now it is simply 5 days each week, without a break. I guess I need to stop complaining because I have at least 30 years till retirement so I better get used to it. 30 years......330 months of working......7200 days.......57600 hours......I bet any 30-somethings reading this are in a really good frame of mind now!!! Sorry!!!

Anyway, my weekend was pretty good. On Saturday I went and got my glasses adjusted because they kept falling down my nose and were driving me crazy. Now they sit properly but my neck still aches when I wear them. I hope I can get used to them soon. I haven't had my usual afternoon headache so that is all good. Then I went and signed up for "3" wireless internet. It is really awesome....very quick to download.....and only costs $14.50 per month for 1GB. I am really happy with it and now I don't have cords all over the house! I spent the rest of Saturday sunbaking in the backyard, grocery shopping, etc.

Yesterday I went to the beach for a while and then had some lunch in the Mall and looked around the shops. I bought the same dress J got me for Xmas but in a different colour for less than half the price he paid....He is spewing!!! I always tend to buy the same things in different colours if I like them.

I did no exercise over the weekend because I woke up pretty late both days and, also, I had already completed 5 sessions during the week, which I thought would be sufficient. I will do some aerobics this afternoon and tomorrow morning I have my first personal training session. To be totally honest, I wish I hadn't organised this now because I don't want to pay the $425 but I feel obliged because I have booked it. If I cancelled, I would never go back to the Gym again just in case I saw the PT. This is just the way I am....rather weak and petrified of confrontation or people thinking badly of me. I guess any normal person would just cancel and not give it a second thought but I am far from "normal"! Perhaps this will force me to be more healthy as I know I am paying money to get results. Maybe it is just the lazy part of me that wants to cancel!

Food-wise I did OK over the weekend....Mostly I ate fairly healthily but I did have Thai food on Saturday night and I had an icecream and some lollies yesterday. All in all it is better than I would usually do on a weekend. I weigh about 1.2kgs less than last Monday, so at least somehing is shifting.....even if I am not being perfect.

I watched this TV show last night about celebrities getting their "body back" after having babies. Man....I can't believe the lengths these people go to to lose weight! Although I think the extreme measures are really bad for you (soup diets, etc) I am envious of their willpower and dedication. They are just so tiny!!!!

Anyway, back to the "grind" for me.....

Miss Pinky

Friday....and loving it!!!

2008-01-11T11:13:00.000+11:00

I can't seem to write what these pics are near the pics so they are: my sister and I, J and I and my new hair

End of the week and still going pretty good. I have exercised 5 days so far this week….3 aerobics classes (video), 1 run on the treadmill and a 10km outdoor run this morning. What this week has shown me is how hideously unfit and overweight I am. My run this morning absolutely killed me and I was really slow too. When I finally made it home I was all shaky and did not feel well at all. I even considered calling an ambulance to haul my fat arse off to hospital (only kidding)!! So, I now have decided to join the “personal trainer” bandwagon and I have booked in to start with one on Tuesday. I will see him 2 times per week for about 3 months and hopefully he can help me out. It will cost me a bit of money but I honestly can’t put a price on what I would pay to not look and feel this way, so it will all be worth it.

Food-wise I have pretty much been “spot on” and I don’t feel as hungry as I usually do when I try to be “good”. Still craving biscuits and cake but I guess I won’t be able to kick the “carb monster” that easily!! All in all I am feeling rather proud of my efforts this week and I already feel less lethargic, which is always good!!
I am hoping I can control myself over the weekend

I picked up my glasses last night so today is their “debut” or “first outing”. They feel rather strange and my neck is sore. I am probably just not used to them yet but I must say that the world is less “hazy” than it has been!

My vegie garden is doing great at the moment and has sprouted it’s first tomato….although it’s about the size of a 5 cent piece! At least things are growing in there anyway!! I also have a possum that is visiting my backyard every night and I have been leaving fruit out for it to eat. J tells me that now it won’t remember how to find it’s own food. This is probably true but I now feel obliged to feed it. It’s very cute. Although one of my dogs spends all his time outside at night barking at it, so we have to try and limit his backyard access at night. If the possum decides to attack him, it will really do damage to him. I have heard they are very vicious.

My weekend plans do not consist of much at all….which I love! I can just spend the 2 days taking my dogs to the dog park, catching up on some housework and resting.

Have a great weekend guys!!

Miss Pinky

Welcome 2008

2008-01-07T13:50:00.000+11:00

Today is my first day back from my holidays and I am suffering from Mondayitis so I will provide this update in point form….

MELBOURNE – The 4 days went very quickly. The weather was nice apart from Christmas Eve, which was very cold and rainy. The weather was between 24 and 27 degrees, which was lovely. We managed to get out of there just before the 43 degree days hit, thankfully! Xmas Day was OK apart from the fact that J’s mother said about three sentences to J and I all day. I swear she loves her dog more than him and pays it more attention too. Needless to say, he was very upset and angry afterwards. She didn’t even ask him about his new job and she didn’t even say “thankyou” to us when she opened her present. J had to ask her if she liked it. Her rudeness makes me not give a sh*t that we have been to Melbourne a few times and not stayed with her.

J spent Boxing Day with his son, go-karting and shopping. He said they had a good day together. I hung around at the hotel and got some lunch at St Kilda. J’s Mum was meant to pick the son up afterwards and take him with her for a few weeks but when J called her to organise this she had gone home to the country instead. So J just dropped him back to Ballarat.

Melbourne held many culinary delights for myself, which I was happy about but the scales were not!

NEW YEARS – The quietest one I have ever had. J and I stayed home and had my Mum over for dinner and that was it!! We watched the fireworks on TV and ended up staying up until 4am watching silly game shows on TV. At least we didn’t have to try and find public transport in the City! Next year I will be sure to organise something more exciting in advance!

J – Things have been going really well. It was so nice to have some time to spend together during our leave. We didn’t do anything major…..Just went out for lunches and pottered around the house but it was nice. I need to make sure that I don’t get caught up in the “routine” now that I am back to work and forget to simply enjoy the simple moments. I must make an effort to do stuff during the week, like going to the movies or getting an ice cream after dinner. Small things like these will make the working week more bearable.

HEALTH – The results are in and the cause of my constant headaches is most probably due to the fact that I need glasses! I went for an eye test a week ago and it appears I have a stigmatism which means my eyes need to work hard all the time to focus. Hopefully once I pick up my glasses, my headaches will stop. It is amazing the difference it made when the optometrist put the prescription lenses on my eyes. I didn’t realise just how blind I was!!

FAT – The results are in and YES I am enormous! I ate like an elephant all holidays and did zero exercise so I deserve the massive number that greeted me on the scales this morning. As of this morning I have been good. I did an hour aerobics video this morning before work and so far I have eaten healthily today. I will do the video until I have built up a little bit of fitness and then I will tackle some running. I have a goal to lose at least 5kgs but hopefully closer to 10kgs in 3 months. 5kgs will have me looking “normal” again but 10kgs would be even better! I cannot get any bigger or I will die! Enough is enough!!!!

I hope everybody had a great break over Xmas and I hope we can all work hard to achieve our goals for 2008….Whatever they may be…..

Miss Pinky

Last day of Work

2007-12-21T14:20:00.000+11:00

Last day of work today before 2 weeks holidays…..yay!!!!! I am sooooooo bored at the moment it is just not funny. At least I only have 2 hours to kill anyway. I can’t wait for 4pm!!!!!!! I am hanging out for some time to myself to do whatever I want to do.

This afternoon I am getting my hair done and then I will take the dogs to the dog park. Then I need to get stuck into some cleaning before our BBQ tomorrow. Me-thinks it was a stupid idea having people over so close to Xmas!! Oh well…..it is all organised now…….

I have to go to the local Christmas Carols near my Mum’s house on Sunday night now. Initially I thought my brother and his family could come and that could be our “Xmas get together” but he tells me he is too busy “preparing for Xmas” to come. I will not be able to stay for too long because I need to spend some time with the dogs before we go away.

Monday morning we head off to Melbourne on a 6am flight. It looks like the Melbourne weather will be much better than Sydney…..so at least that is one bonus! J and I will basically spend Xmas Eve alone doing our own thing, which will be lovely. Xmas Day will be with his family and it looks as though Boxing Day will be spent by myself looking around the City while J spends the day with his son. No, I am not a mean and horrible bitch for not going with him. It is a long story but the basic jist of it is that J has a 14 year old son who he barely has any contact at all with. This is not the mother’s fault…..It is J’s fault. He has not put any effort in to create any sort of relationship. As such, when they are together it is very uncomfortable and awkward so I thought it would be best if they have the day alone and I do my own thing. I think I just add to the uncomfortableness when I am there. For the record, J does pay a fair bit of child support but, besides this and a few phone calls each year, he doesn’t do much else. The last day of the “holiday” will hopefully be spent alone with J……fingers crossed!

We get back to Sydney on the 28th Dec and I then have about 10 days before returning to work…..BLISS!!!! J goes back a few days earlier but that is OK.

Unfortunately my fat body will be accompanying me to Melbourne. I have dismally failed in my vague “plan” to lose weight……More like a pipe dream than a plan!! I bought a new dress yesterday, which was a size bigger than I usually take (They didn’t have my size in stock). It is really cute but a little big. What annoys me is that this should be absolutely swimming on me!!! It should be so loose that I can’t wear it. Oh well….It is not as though his family are supermodels anyway! My “Christmas eating” started off with a “bang” this morning……strawberry milk and chocolate for breakfast. Now I just feel sick. Funny thing is that when I am trying to eat healthily, I could eat 24 hours a day. When I am eating whatever I want, I don’t eat many times during the day but they are mostly foods that are not exactly diet friendly. I must get back into running after the new year….If only to keep myself sane!

Quick update on my many illnesses: I now have a cold, believe it or not! I seem to go from one sickness to the other! I may as well be 100 years old. I was speaking to a painter that was doing work at my house the other day. He was saying he is 47 years old, does no exercise, smokes, drinks like a fish, gets about 5 hours sleep a night and feels awesome. I am 30 years old, have never had a cigarette in my life, do not drink alcohol, take vitamins, get at least 7 hours sleep every night, do some form of exercise each day (even if it is only walking), eat fruit and vegetables every day (even if it is mixed in with more than my fair share of chocolate and biscuits) and I feel TERRIBLE!!!!!! I can’t believe all my tests from hospital the other week were perfect??? Maybe I should take up drinking and smoking???!!!!

Anyway I better go and “look busy” for a little while longer. Although every single thing is completely up-to-date.
Have an excellent Xmas with your families and stay safe.

Miss Pinky

Xmas Countdown

2007-12-18T13:34:00.000+11:00

Only one week to go until Xmas.....How exciting!!! Exciting for you guys....Not so exciting for me who has to go to Melbourne and hang out with people who obviously do not like me! Enough of that as there is nothing I can do about it......Just need to "grin and bear it" for a day or two. On the upside, at least I will be able to relax in the hotel room and I don't have to do any cleaning or house stuff for a few days!

I have all my Xmas shopping finished. I ended up going halves with J in this beautiful watch he wanted. He seems impressed so that is the main thing. He got me these lovely earrings I wanted and there are some other pressies under the tree. The shops are so crowded in my area at the moment. If you don't arrive before the shops open, you won't find a park at all. Luckily I live within walking distance so it is not a major deal for me.....That is, unless I decide to buy bags of cement or a BBQ or something!

Speaking of BBQ's.....I am having a few people over this Saturday for a Xmas BBQ. We are having turkey on the BBQ and some other tasty goodies. It should be nice! Although this does mean I have to do much cleaning this week to get ready. I am very fussy about having a clean house and would die if people saw it dirty. Not that it is "dirty"....I just need to do some dusting and scrub the bathrooms.

I finish at work on Friday and have 2 weeks leave which I am HANGING out for!!!! Although I still have to be "on call" for customers and spend about a day doing end of month processing. At least it is from home though, which is much better than being in the office. I wish I had someone to cover properly for me at work so I could have a proper break but the elderly man who is my "cover" would have no clue how to issue invoices, pay invoices, etc. He is rather computer illiterate. By the time I showed him what to do, I may as well do it myself.

My dogs have gone mad I think.....Jack is the nice one who is very soft and gentle. Well, not last night!!!! We went to the dog park and a staffie put her paws up on my leg and Jack attacked her. It was full-on and he gave no warning of what he was about to do. I was so embarrassed! I am just really lucky that the staffie didn't bite him hard or he could have been killed. In the end there was no blood so that is always a good sign. He has had a couple of fights lately. This worries me because he is normally so placid! Max is the psycho one and I understand that because he was so badly abused before we got him. Jack has had the most "cushy" life possible and has no reason to be aggressive. He also killed a bird on Friday night, which was disgusting. I found it on Saturday morning and screamed my head off. I have no idea how he managed to catch it??? The trials and tribulations of dog ownership, hey?! Sometimes I wonder if kids would be easier.....Then again, I certainly couldn't leave kids home alone with a bone while I went to work!!

Diet has been fairly bad and exercise non-existent. I basically just eat when I feel like it. I have been sick lately, with dizziness, headaches and migraines. I was at the Gym last Wednesday night and half-way through a Body Attack class I got a migraine and had to leave. The migraine was accompanied by tingling arms and feet so I got J to take me to hospital because I thought I was having a stroke. Brain scans and blood tests were all clear so I am not sure what is wrong with me?? Needless to say, I am scared to be at the Gym when I am so dizzy. It is probably not a great idea. Or perhaps this is my "excuse" and I am just plain lazy??? I will see how I am feeling after Xmas anyway......Maybe some rest will be good for me.

Well it is time for me to resume my net surfing now. Work is very quiet at the moment because everyone has wound down for Xmas already. A big "hello" to Tiny Donna!!!! I hope you are recovering well and enjoying the shopping!!!

Over and Out
Miss Pinky

Starting to feel better

2007-12-10T15:29:00.000+11:00

For some reason I am now feeling much better than I was last week. Not that I am complaining!! I am so happy to be out of that sad and "cloudy" period......at least for the time being anyway! Thanks to everybody for their nice comments and for providing some advice on how to get the "black dog" off my back!

I had a good weekend.....J and I planted a vegetable garden in our backyard. This is something we have talked about for ages but have never actually completed so on Saturday afternoon this "mission" was accomplished. It is so cute! We have lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, spring onions, pumpkin, carrots, strawberries, basil and chillies. Of course they are only "tiny" at the moment but I have faith in them! It is actually alot of fun to water them each night and to check out if there has been any progress. I hope they grow and don't just die....It will be nice to eat a salad that you literally "grew" yourself!

On Saturday night we got some Chinese takeaway and a bottle of wine. Yes....that is correct!! This "non-drinker" has found a wine she likes!!! I have never, ever liked alcohol at all but I discovered a wine called "Cienna". It is a red dessert wine by Brown Brothers.....$13 a bottle and it is really nice. It tastes like lollies. Perhaps this is because it is only 5% alcohol. After one glass I felt really "whoozy".....I guess 30 years of being sober does not make for a big drinker hey!?

Sunday was spent browsing a local market in my area and at Kurnell with my dogs. I found what I believe to be a small stingray on the beach at Kurnell. It was still alive but was wriggling around on the sand as though it had been caught unawares when the tide went out. So, I used my thongs to pick it up and put it back in the water. The whole time I had images of a barb coming out and stabbing me in the chest....like what happened to Steve Irwin. I was happy I may have played a part in saving this stingray/fish creature. I am actually fearless when it comes to helping animals.....I would do absolutely anything to try and save one.

Believe it or not folks, this morning I actually ventured to the Gym!!! Thanks to "BluesBuffet" for the tip! ;-) I did 45mins running on the treadmill at 10km/hr (incline zero). It was horrible but great to finish and get out of there at 7am with a workout completed. J came with me too, which was nice....even though he was in the weights section which is nowhere near the cardio stuff. I will have to get to the Gym at least 4 times a week because I am definitely heading to Melbourne for Xmas and I am soooooooo embarrassed for J's family to see me with this extra weight. So, I am thinking I can lose 2kgs by Xmas fairly easily if I stay away from the junk food and do some exercise. At least an extra 2-3 kilos won't look as bad as 4-6 will.

The funny thing is with me that I can put on 2kgs and it looks like 10! I think it's because I am so short that any gain is really obvious on me. 2kgs can mean that clothes become so tight on me and a 2kg loss can have them "swimming" on me. It is unfortunate that when you are short you have to be so much stricter with maintaining your weight.

Till next time
Miss Pinky

M.I.A

2007-12-05T12:12:00.000+11:00

I have been missing in action for a while now. What have I been up to?? Eating and feeling very flat....and fat! I am in the biggest funk ever right now.....I just can't seem to pull myself together. What is wrong with me???!!!!! I say I hate being this weight but then I can only be good for 2 weeks at the most before eating everything in sight.....so obviously the junk food and the laziness is more important to me than losing weight.

This sounds really slack but I am going through a really tough time emotionally right now and I feel I need to concentrate on feeling happy (or at the very least not being miserable every waking hour) more so than concentrating on what I am eating and what exercise I am doing. Funny thing is that if I did some exercise I would probably feel 100% better but even that will not motivate my lazy arse to move!

Although I am feeling rather miserable right now, I am still excited for Xmas! I have no idea what I am doing or even which state I will be in ("state" as in location, not mental state) but I am still feeling happy about the whole thing. I have 2 weeks off work and I am hoping the break can clear some of these cobwebs from my frazzled head. I feel like such a loser right now. I hate when I can't get my shit together and just aimlessly ponder on things that upset me.

Yes folks....I am wallowing in self pity and sometimes this just feels like the right thing for me to do!

I had J's work Xmas party the other week. It was at a lovely restaurant at King St Wharf, overlooking the water. Beautiful food too. Only issue was I got a migraine just after the main course. Nobody had any nurofen (including silly me who never leaves home without it) so J had to go and buy some for me. I then had to sit outside for half an hour with my head down in my hands.....I am sure passers-by thought I was pissed! My migraines affect my vision so I need to close my eyes to get rid of them. After a while I felt OK (could see again) but was a bit tired from it all. I hate migraines!!! I managed to squeeze myself into the little red dress that I was supposed to weigh a few kilos less to wear. It still looked OK. I also got a few nice compliments on my new hairstyle, which is always nice. The night ended with a typical fight with J and so the saga continues....I won't bore you with the details as I am too embarrassed to admit how bad my relationship really is and the fact that I am still in this relationship will make me sound mentally unstable!

Anyway....I better get going and have some lunch.....Beef curry with rice....Yummo!!!! My hips are just hanging out to get even wider!

I notice today that Tiny Donna's blog has become "by invitation only". This distresses me as browsing Donna's blog fills a massive part of my working day. If anybody can tell me how to get my hands on one of these invitations, I would be most impressed......almost "happy" perhaps!

Miss Pinky

I have been Tagged!!!!

2007-11-21T12:41:00.001+11:00

I am so excited really because I have been "tagged" by Nic.....Sorry Nic.....No idea how to put a link on! Now I feel a "real" part of the blogging community.....Yay!!!!

Four dishes I like to cook:
1. Toast
2. Fruit salad
3. Salad
4. Toast……If you haven’t guessed, I can’t cook at all!!!! J does the cooking!

Four qualities I love in people:
1. Openness
2. Friendliness
3. Forgiveness……because I need it as I always stuff up!
4. Generosity

Four places I have been:
1. Thailand (Phuket and Bangkok)
2. Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur)
3. Bali
4. New Zealand (Auckland)

Four things in my bedroom:
1. An electric fan
2. TV
3. Bed
4. 2 dogs who really should not be in there!!!!

Four dirty words that I like to use:
1. Fuck
2. Fuck
3. Fuck
4. Fuck

Food and exercise has been sooooooo bad! This is why I didn't post yesterday. I would have filled my whole blog up with my Menu for the day!!!! I am feeling, dare I say it, "happy" though and that is the most important thing! I will get back on track after a little (BIG) splurge. Why does shortbread taste so much better than salad?

I managed to start my Christmas shopping yesterday. I bought an outfit for each of my 2 nieces. I am glad I have at least started the shopping! I have a bit to go but "slow and steady wins the race".

I am going for dinner tonight with J and a couple of girls from my old work (J works at my old work), which will be nice. It is always good to catch up. I was thinking to myself this morning about how I just "waste away" Monday - Friday and hang out for the weekend. It is as though the weekdays are for simply getting through and I never do anything fun during the week. This needs to change!! There are only 2 days for the weekend and 5 days for the week.....so if I waste the weekdays, that means 260 days a year have been put to no good use. I am going to make an effort to do stuff during the week, like see a movie, go out for coffee/cake, go shopping after work, etc. Life is just too short to waste it I think!

I am loving daylight savings at the moment. It is so good to be able to walk the dogs or take them to the park later than usual and to have a BBQ dinner before it gets dark. I wish it was like this all year round but I guess then it would not feel special!

I won't put my "plan" down for today as it is rather disgusting!!!

Miss Pinky

Cheering up

2007-11-19T12:19:00.000+11:00

I had a pretty good weekend food-wise……A few bad things (golden gaytime icecream, kit-kat, chicken parmagiana) mixed in with quite a bit of healthy stuff (salad, sushi, yoghurt). Today I am 65kgs, which is 0.2kgs down from Friday. I also went to the Gym on Saturday and ran on the treadmill for 40 mins. Treadmill running is just not for me…..All I do is “watch the clock” and I find it really boring with nothing to look at or to distract me from my puffing and panting. It was the longest 40 minute run EVER! I also think it is physically tougher on your legs, as your motion is identical with each step.

J’s Christmas party is on Saturday and I am 1kg away from my “Christmas party goal” so I need to make sure I eat well and do 5 exercise sessions this week. This is the only way I will drop a kilo by Saturday.

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Small fruit salad plus 1 small slice grain bread with vegemite
Morning tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Prawn salad (prawns, avocado, spinach, cucumber, capsicum, shallots, pumpkin, tomatoes, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes) and a chicken cup-a-soup
Afternoon tea: Yoghurt
Dinner: Ham, cheese and tomato toasted sandwich
Dessert: W/W cake bar
Exercise: Body Attack class this afternoon

The weather in Sydney was so beautiful on the weekend. I went to the pool yesterday for an hour and got really burnt. I had trouble sleeping last night as I couldn’t get comfortable and I was really hot. Hopefully tonight my sunburn will be a bit better so sleeping will be easier.

Nothing has been decided for Xmas as yet and it is only about 5 weeks away!!! I hate feeling disorganised!!! I also need to make a start on my Xmas shopping. I always end up just buying stuff for myself when I go shopping and then have to do the “mad rush” at the last minute for everyone else. I don’t know why but it really does feel like Christmas to me this year. I think it may be a combination of the nice weather and the summer fruits in the shops, as well as the fact that I haven’t really “felt” Christmas for a few years.

Miss Pinky

A major surprise and a new hairdo

2007-11-16T10:44:00.000+11:00

I absolutely never saw this coming but J arrived home late from work last night and rushed in to say he wanted to be with me. To say I was “shocked” is a vast understatement!! I think he expected me to be overwhelmed with joy and to reacted very excitedly but I just couldn’t. Although I was happy that he was giving us another chance….I was so devastated from the previous night’s turmoil that I reacted very, very calmly. Dare I say it but I was almost “cold”.

I am happy but I am also scared. I now know that “breaking up” is something he is totally prepared to do so that will always be in the back of my mind. I need to work on my jealousy issues and my anger and I also need to start doing some things by myself (and letting him do the same) and not being so reliant on him. This all will not be easy and it will take time. I need to be more respectful and supportive of him and treat him that way. Of course, J is no angel but these are the things that I need to focus on.

I had planned on a weekend of being very upset and just trying to keep myself busy…..but it looks like we may now be able to spend some time together “reconnecting”. The weather is supposed to be nice so perhaps we will head to the beach or something? Yes….I am happy but now the real work begins.

I got my hair coloured last night. It is much lighter….nearly blonde….and I am so happy with it! It is exactly what I wanted and I feel so much better. Also – The pants I am wearing today are hanging off me and falling down, which always feels good! Better than digging in and cutting off my circulation!

I went a little “overboard” with my food last night. I had an extra piece of toast and some ice cream and a kit-kat but this morning I am down 0.4kgs so it hasn’t done damage….I hope. Next week I need to make sure I do 5 exercise sessions. This should be possible now that my world is coming back to some sort of order. Now it will simply be about motivation.

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: 1 english muffin with light peanut butter
Morn tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Egg and salad wrap
Afternoon tea: Yoghurt and 2 apricots
Dinner: Either fish and vegies (if the fish hasn’t gone “bad”) or a ham, cheese and tomato toasted sandwich
Dessert: 2 finger kit-kat

I am not doing any exercise today because my dogs have been very neglected this past week and I did not take them out at all last night so I will head straight to the dog park instead. They were very upset when J and I were arguing and they are in need of some TLC!

Miss Pinky

Another one bites the dust!

2007-11-15T12:52:00.000+11:00

I couldn’t stand to play “the waiting game” any more, so last night I confronted J to make a decision. He chose to leave. I won’t go into the details but I was devastated….once again! Went to bed crying hysterically….again. Woke up with puffy eyes….again. He is now to move out of the house ASAP as it is not healthy for me to see him every day. It will mean I will never get over him. Once he moves out I can concentrate on “me” and building my life again. I know he thinks I am so nasty to tell him to move out but how the f**k can I stop loving him when he is in my face??

I was pretty good with food yesterday but I did have a 2 finger kit-kat and about 10 lollies, which were not in the plan. I didn’t make it to the Gym as I was feeling too upset. I did manage to vacuum the house though, which I am very impressed with. How sad that it is now a big challenge for me to get something so minor done!! This break up has just “floored” me and I find things like keeping the house tidy really difficult at the moment. Every little job seems like the biggest job on earth and all I want to do is sit around and cry. Before this happened, I was such a perfectionist in my house!!

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morn tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Turkey, 1 boiled egg and salad
Afternoon tea: Yoghurt
Dinner: Probably 2 x toast
Dessert: W/W cake bar

No exercise today. I am going to get my hair coloured and cut after work so hopefully that cheers me up a little bit. Although I doubt I would have done any exercise anyway!!!

Miss Pinky

Coming To Terms With Things.....Maybe!

2007-11-14T13:05:00.000+11:00

I am still feeling rather angry about everything today but I am also starting to believe that my future will definitely be without J in it. He has still made no decision and the longer this drags out, the more I see that he has no real respect for my feelings. He knows this eats me up inside.

I slept in the spare room last night. It is not good for me sleeping in the same bed as him. It just confuses things and will mean I am far more devastated the day he actually moves out. It is time to start getting used to being alone now.

Anyway, I just can't be bothered to write about this stuff today as it is nothing but DEPRESSING! I think I am going to hire a car this weekend and head to Forster for 2 nights. It is meant to be nice weather so I can just lay on the beach and relax. It has to be better than sitting at home alone and feeling sad.

I was rather bad with my food yesterday. I ate nearly a whole bag of lollies and put on 0.6kgs this morning as punishment! I guess it is only a small deviation over the last few weeks and it could have been much, much worse considering that I am an emotional eater at times.

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morn Tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Pumpkin soup and 1 slice grain bread
Afternoon Tea: Yoghurt....although I really want a muesli slice from the vending machine which equates to about 400 calories!!!!!! It is really a "cake" not a health food.
Dinner: Probably leftover prawn curry with rice
Dessert: W/W cake bar
Exercise: Body Attack class at 6pm....It will be hard to motivate myself

Miss Pinky

Starting to feel angry

2007-11-13T09:19:00.000+11:00

Today I am feeling more angry than hurt. I feel that J simply has the best of both worlds now….Everything is completely under his control. I don’t have any say in where he goes or what he does, I do all of the housework and washing and don’t nag him to help because I worry he will then decide he will move out and he is still able to talk to me and hang out with me when he wants so he is not alone or bored. In addition to this, we have also been intimate a few times. In my defence, I only did this because he initiated it and I thought he would definitely not do that unless we were getting back together. How wrong I was!!!! I thought he was different to other guys I have been with. So now, he seems to have maintained all the good stuff from the relationship and completely avoided the bad stuff, the chores, the responsibilities and the commitment.

He came home last night about 7.30pm….after a run. I was having toast for dinner as I felt a bit sick after my run in the heat. He got out his steak to cook and asked me to make a salad for him. I did make it but a part of me was thinking “What is going on here?? I am being used!”. I also did his dishes when he went out to buy the groceries and he didn’t even notice I had done them when he got home.

Now I am completely aware all of this is stuff that is under my control. I can stop cleaning up after him, doing his washing and definitely can stop being intimate with him!! I am just angry that he feels OK about treating me like this. Even if he doesn’t ever want to be with me again, he doesn’t have to be like this. Surely he remembers that he was once very in love with me??

I asked him last night if he thinks he will make a decision by Christmas and he said “I hope so”. Christmas is 6 weeks away!!!!!! How could he even imagine he will string this out for that long???!!!! Maybe it is just me but I don’t understand this “needing time to think” saga. Don’t you just “know” if you want to be with someone or if you don’t?? To me, it is a fairly straight-forward decision…..Does he want to build a future with me or not?? What is annoying me is that he doesn’t seem to be putting any time into doing his “thinking” anyway. I don’t know how long I can go on with this “waiting game”. As much as I do love him and wish he would give me another chance, my patience is wearing very thin.

I went for a 10km run last night. It was so unbelievably hot!!! I hadn’t run for 11 days and it was a real struggle. I felt good about it when I finished though. I am glad I did something. I am not sure if I will do anything tonight (exercise wise) or just wait until tomorrow. With my emotional state at the moment, I am putting no pressure on myself with exercise. I will “plan” on 5 days but if I only do 2 or 3, it is still better than none. I am still being really good with the food though. I weighed myself this morning and I was 65kgs on the dot….YAY!!!! This is a 3.2kg loss in 15 days. This is actually the lightest I have been since January!

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Big bowl of fruit salad
Morn tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Grain roll, turkey, salad, dijonnaise
Afternoon tea: Yoghurt
Dinner: Maybe curry prawns with rice (weight watchers recipe)
Dessert: W/W cake bar
Exercise: Will just see how I feel

Miss Pinky

I survived the weekend.....

2007-11-12T11:29:00.000+11:00

Reading my last post again sends a chill up my spine. Although it is certainly 100% truthful, it makes me sound like a real “basket case”. For the record, I do not come across in my everyday life as psychotic or deranged. I go to work every day (have done since I was 14 years old), I am polite to others, I live in a nice clean house, I do not drink alcohol or take drugs to deal with my issues. To the outside world, it would appear that I am rather settled and happy. Of course, what is going on in my head and my heart is anything BUT settled and happy!!!

J is still living with me but we are not together. It is very weird as we still sleep in the same bed, etc and even went to Westfield and the dog park together over the weekend. I am still crushed beyond belief but will not cry, as I just can’t front up to work with puffy eyes again! This happened last week and I made out I just “woke up like that”. You see, I have not told anybody at work what has happened. I just pretend all is OK. To be honest, I am not at all close to anyone at work so serious conversations do not come up anyway. It is very hard to concentrate at work as all I can think of is J and what has happened.

The weekend passed me by in a bit of a “haze”. I would have moments where I felt OK and then 5 minutes later I felt physically ill…..Like I wanted to collapse in a pile of tears. At this time, my mood can change in the space of a few minutes. I guess that is what grief is all about! It is grief that I am dealing with…..the death of my relationship. Of course, it is no way comparable to actually losing a loved one but it is still the same sort of feelings.

I managed to get a few things done on the weekend. I did the washing and changed the sheets but couldn’t manage the vacuuming. I went out with my sister Friday night and last night, which was good to get my mind off things. Pretty quiet nights but it was better than moping at home.

J had an engagement party on last night. I was invited and we had already RSVP’d but he told the guy we were fighting and he didn’t want me to come. Perhaps it is just my warped sense of thinking but I think that is mean. If we had already RSVP’d, he should have just gone with me. It is not as though we aren’t speaking! We spent most of the weekend together anyway…..

I did zero exercise on the weekend. I just couldn’t muster up the strength to go. Although I didn’t eat much at all so I weighed in this morning at 65.6kgs…..a total loss of 2.6kgs in 2 weeks. I feel much better and much less wobbly, so I guess that is something to feel happy about. I have been having toast for dinner most nights. I know that is really bad and not nutritious at all but it seems to be all I can stomach when I am feeling sad at night.

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morning tea: 4 multigrain corn thins
Lunch: Egg and salad wrap
Afternoon tea: Yoghurt
Dinner: Toast x 2….probably with jam or peanut butter
Dessert: Either an iceblock or a 2 finger kit-kat
Exercise: Praying I can make myself go for a run after work

Miss Pinky

One hell of an honest read....If you are up for it!

2007-11-09T15:04:00.000+11:00

I thought it may be “therapeutic” to analyse my relationship history….and my life in general…..so here goes….

I was born in New Zealand. My Mum and Dad were married but my Dad was highly abusive towards my Mum, both physically and mentally. He was abused as a child, so perhaps this provided a “reason” for his abuse but certainly was not an excuse. Apparently I was a happy child and had a good relationship with my Dad. He left when I was about 3 years old. He went to jail for 14 years but that is a whole other story. I have no recollection of ever living with my Dad or having him around.

It was then my Mum, my older brother (10 years older) and me. My Dad was moved from a New Zealand jail to an Australian one so we moved to Australia. I absolutely idolised my brother. I guess he was a substitute for a father for me. I always wanted to be around him and I must have really annoyed him, especially during his teenage years! My brother was married quite young and moved out, which broke my heart. I was always going over to visit him and he eventually told my Mum I wasn’t allowed around so much as it was annoying him. A couple of years later, when I was about 12 years old, he cut off all contact with my Mum and me. He did not speak to us at all for 6 years. 6 whole f**ken years!!!! I never really understood why…..All I knew is that I really missed him…..So much so that I would cry. Today, he does talk to us but our relationship is very forced and uncomfortable. I don’t think those “missing years” can ever be gained back.

My next “male rejection” comes in the form of my first boyfriend. I remember spending the majority of my waking hours from age 14 to 16 staring out my front window to see if he was around and waiting for a phone call that never came. He used to break up with me all the time and run out and me. Then, I would just wait until he came back again. I remember being is so much pain and just wishing he would really care for me. After about 2 years together, I found him asleep one morning with a girl’s phone number and a bra next to his bed. I went home, took 40 panadol with a bottle of Midori and this marked my first suicide attempt. He actually came into my house when I was taking the tablets, stole $40 from me, told me to take more tablets and left. My Mum found me and I was in hospital for 2 days, eating charcoal to fix my liver. I never saw him again. Nice guy!

Next was a boyfriend I spent over 4 years with. Basically the same story. He was always out with his mates drinking and would come home early in the morning when he was well and truly tanked. Quite obviously he was using me but I couldn’t see it. He used to break up with me all the time and then get back with me. He would just “toy” with my emotions. We had some absolutely horrific fights and I could never handle him walking out on me. This meant I often ran after him down the street in my nightie and other things to the same effect. I was with him from when I was 17-21. I must have really been a joke to him. I wonder if he ever feels bad for what I went through…..Probably not.

Next, I had a 3 month relationship that ended with an AVO out on ME!!!! This guy was sooooooooo full on…..Such an absolute charmer. He said all the right things to swindle situations into exactly what he wanted. A week after I met him, I went to Bali on a holiday. While I was there, he used to send 16 page faxes to my hotel, declaring his love for me, etc. I was a bit “suss” at the start but this sort of attention is just what the doctor ordered for someone with very low self-esteem. I fell HARD. He played the same old game…..Constant break ups, not answering my calls, running away, getting back together. He broke up with me one day and I just assumed it was like all the other times and that if I called him, he would realise he should come back. Well, he obviously really meant it this time, so when I called him many, many times he went to the police and took out an AVO. I was so devastated! He did not live in my area but he would pull up out the front of my house tooting his car horn. I would go out to see what the noise was to witness a girl getting into his car. This is most probably the first day I discovered running. I ran and ran and ran to get out all the hurt and anger. He would also always comment on how fat I was and, looking back, I wasn’t even fat.

There was one in the middle who I was with for 6 months. Yes – he also broke up with me but was a bit of a freak and it didn’t really affect me so this is nothing major.

Next up was one that I still find painful at times. 18 months, so obsessed with me at the start, fell in love with me very quickly and then began the cycle of breaking up with me, getting back together, etc. He was also violent when he drank alcohol, which was just horrible. I was too scared to be alone and too scared to deal with more rejection, so I stayed. Each time I kept going back. Each time I got hurt. He broke up with me one night and I left his house and promised to never go back. I didn’t. I met my ex-husband 2 nights later. Needless to say, he tried to get back with me after “the usual three days” and it was too late. It took me a very long time to get over this and I believe a piece of it is still with me even today.

My ex-husband is wonderful. Never did anything wrong, loved me unconditionally and treated me like a princess. Unfortunately, I was not attracted to him so after 3 years together, I left. Looking back, was I not attracted to him because he never “played the game” of breaking up with me, getting back together?? Seems rather reasonable! This is the only time I have ever broken up with someone. We still talk on the phone sometimes. He is still lovely and is with someone else. I hope I never made him feel how I have felt with partners in my past. I broke up with him, after meeting J. Horrible I know, but the truth!

Every time I meet someone they fall for me in a very big way and fast! I am not being vain as I actually have a major low self-esteem problem but this is true. I think I play a role of the “perfect girlfriend” when I meet someone. I never show them my insecurities, my jealousy, my anger or my neediness. I pretend to be self-sufficient, confident and FUN…..All the things that I really am not. I think I have learnt how to behave to make them fall for me.

I can only keep the façade up for a few weeks though and then the real me starts to come through…..Insanely jealous, very needy, wanting to spend 100% of my time with them, highly emotional and vulnerable, downright nasty and evil in an argument, organised to the point of obsessiveness. I am petrified of rejection and by “being the real me”, I bring rejection into my life. I make such a big “song and dance” about being scared they will leave me that, ultimately, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When they have had enough (time ranging from 3 months to 4 years) and leave me, it confirms how unlovable I am and that I was “right from the start”. What a hideous rollercoaster!!!

So, this is the first time J has broken up with me. I am breaking the vicious cycle of my life. I will not try and change his mind and I will not chase him. It is his life and his decision. I have only been alone (without a boyfriend) for a few weeks since I was 14….16 years. I am petrified of being alone but, in reality, my relationships have been so messed up that I have spent the majority of that time alone, waiting for them to return to me. It is time to fix myself. It is time to take accountability for the fact that no man wants to spend his life with a psycho like me. I need to start to love myself more and believe I am worthy of a loving relationship. If I feel I am a worthwhile person, I won’t be jealous, then I won’t be angry or nasty…..and then perhaps I can find my life-long partner.

Miss Pinky.

Broken Hearted

2007-11-09T09:24:00.000+11:00

So the story goes like this…..
J broke up with me on Wednesday night. Said he “couldn’t live like this anymore”. Well, another one bites the dust! It lasted 2 years and 4 months. We were engaged which makes it all a little harder. For some reason I honestly believed him when he said we would be together forever. What the f**k does “forever” mean these days anyway??!!! I feel terribly betrayed and I swing between being absolutely devastated and crying non-stop, to being so angry I feel like smashing something. Things were so fantastic at first. I had never felt anything like it. I was so completely and utterly head over heels in love and he adored me! I KNEW that I meant a lot to him. How did it all get so messed up?? How could it go from so perfect to non-existent?? I was completely willing to stay together and work towards a solution but he decided he wanted out. So, now I must learn to live with this decision and carve out a new “routine” that does not include J.

I will stay at the house and I will keep the dogs. He will find somewhere else to live and will take his car and the scooter. I will need to get myself a crappy little car to get to work because there is no public transport that I can get to my work.

I think I will see if my sister (19 years old) is going out tonight and I may head out with her to get my mind off everything. It is going to be tough but I know I will survive…..I have been broken up with many times before and always recovered. I just wish I did not have to deal with this though. It feels like such a shame and such a a waste.

Needless to say, I am finding the exercise a little hard right now. I can’t motivate myself to leave the house. I haven’t even taken the dogs out for 2 days and have been using the rain as an excuse. Truth is, I just feel so deflated!!!

I stuck to my food plan yesterday but had 2 pieces of toast with light peanut butter for dinner instead of the steak and vegies. By the time I had finished crying and trying to change J’s mind, it was too late to cook.

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Cereal, skim, ½ banana
Morn tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Grain roll, chicken, lettuce, tomato, low-fat dijonnaise
Afternoon tea: Grapes and an orange
Dinner: Salty tears…..Hopefully steak and vegies or toast if I am emotional
Dessert: I don’t really care
Exercise: Maybe a run this afternoon but I am guessing nothing. I will definitely do a couple of Spin classes on the weekend….

Thanks to people who have left comments on here. Thanks Tiny Donna for mentioning me on your Blog!!!!….I have no idea how to add a link to your Blog as I am a technical idiot! As well as a relationship IDIOT!!!!

Have a great weekend all and NEVER TAKE A RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED!!!! Please take this advice from someone who has been dumped more times than they have had hot dinners!

Miss Pinky

Scales heading down.....

2007-11-08T09:16:00.000+11:00

Just a quick one....

Stuck to plan yesterday, apart from 2 biscuits but I skipped the iceblock and had a smaller dinner to make up for it. Did a Body Attack class (high energy aerobics), which was easier than I remember it ever being. Either the instructor was not very good or the Spinning is increasing my fitness??

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Lite n Tasty cereal with skim and a half a banana
Morn tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Grain roll, chicken, salad, dijonnaise
Afternoon tea: Yoghurt, grapes, half an orange
Dinner: Steak, sweet potato, corn, beans
Dessert: 1 biscuit (will probably have before dinner again)
Exercise: Considering a 5pm Spin class but I have something major going on at home (which I will discuss later) so I will see how I go.

Miss Pinky

Feeling down in the dumps again!

2007-11-07T08:36:00.000+11:00

Yesterday my food was "spot on", except I swapped the iceblock for a biscuit. I really crave things like biscuits so I am better off giving in and having one, otherwise I will have a major blow out and eat 100!!

J got home late last night and we had a big argument so I didn't get to my Boxing class. I don't think Boxing when you are really mad is a great idea....especially when you would be doing it with the person you are mad at! This means my day off was yesterday and I will have to exercise today, which I am a bit spewing about. All J and I do is fight. He must truly hate me so much the way he talks to me. I spend so much time questioning what it is I have done to make him so cold towards me or what I could do better but, ultimately, I cannot change how he feels and acts towards me. What I can control is how his actions affect me and just pay no attention to the "fat" comments he makes.

I stay because I am scared to be alone. I stay because I don't know where I have options of meeting someone else as I am a real homebody. I stay because it is convenient. I will have to have a real hard think to decide if it is all worth it. Needless to say, I feel rather down today. I also had a complaint put in to customer service about me. One of the trucking companies that I use to carry product says he is not getting a fair share of the work. Maybe that is because you are a total ar*ehole to me and treat me like sh*t??!! He didn't even copy me in on the email he sent because he is a complete coward! So, today I have to work out the % of loads this pri*k has been getting and let customer service know. Today is not a great day.

On a positive note though I did win $60 on the cup sweeps yesterday.

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morn tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Pumpkin soup and salad
Afternoon tea: Yoghurt
Dinner: Pita bread pizza (ham, cheese, mushroom, capsicum, tomato paste, garlic)
Dessert: Ice block
Exercise: 6.15pm Spin but I have a feeling I will skip it....fingers crossed I don't!

Miss Pinky

Tuesday Update

2007-11-06T08:41:00.000+11:00

Yesterday went entirely according to plan....No stuff ups at all!!! Which was surprising considering I was hungry from the moment I woke up and work was really dead.....which normally means I eat heaps! I did have to have my dessert (W/W cake bar) at about 4.30pm though, as I was feeling hungry. Spin class was OK, except I feel that I did not give it the 100% I normally do. There were times I could have put the dial up more or gone faster. I was still very sweaty afterwards though. I guess anything is better than sitting at home watching TV!!

It is the Melbourne Cup today and they are having an afternoon tea at work, which will be a little challenging. I just have to think about my goal and avoid the snacks!!!! I am not betting today.....Just going in a few office sweeps.

Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morn tea: Large handful nuts and craisins
Lunch: Grain roll, chicken, lettuce, tomato, low-fat dijonnaise
Afternoon tea: Raspberry yoghurt and a carrot
Dinner: Grilled fish, salad, sweet potato
Dessert: Ice block
Exercise: Boxing tonight

Miss Pinky

Cold and Hungry.....

2007-11-05T08:49:00.000+11:00

I have officially survived the weekend! I did a Spin class on Saturday morning, making it 5 exercise sessions for the week. Food-wise, I am rather proud of myself, basically only breaking from my plan to have a biscuit each day. This morning, I am 66.4kgs, so I have lost 1.8kgs this week. Yay!!!!! My clothes are already feeling much better.

I have planned out my food and exercise for the week, although it looks nearly identical to last week! I think because I lost a good amount of weight I am now too scared to deviate at all.

I discovered weight watcher's cake bars on the weekend. These are great if you have a sweet tooth....they taste like mud cake and are only about 70 calories each. You really feel as though you have eaten something "bad" though.

My plan for today:
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morn tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Grain roll, chicken, tomato, lettuce, low-fat dijonnaise
Afternoon tea: Raspberry yoghurt (about 1/2 cup)
Dinner: 1 egg, 1/2 can spaghetti, 2 grain toast (Lazy dinner as J home late)
Dessert: Either an ice block or a W/W cake bar
Exercise: Spin class tonight

It is very cold in Sydney today....rainy and windy. I always find I am more hungry on these days and love to eat things like biscuits, cakes, chocolates so I will need to be really STRONG today.

I am a bit freaked out by my lack of running (only doing 1 run a week) as I am meant to be doing the Central Coast half marathon in about 4 weeks. I am finding that the Spinning is doing much more for my weight loss and fitness though, so that is why I am doing more of this. Even though I do find the Spin classes much harder than a run. I guess if I can get some kilos off, the running will be easier and it is not as though my body will "forget" how to run. My longer term goal is still the Gold Coast Marathon in 2008......I will see how I go.

Miss Pinky

Day 5 and the game is still "on"!

2007-11-02T08:45:00.000+11:00

I completely stuck to my plan yesterday......not one stuff up at all!
I am so proud!!!!
I had a slight urge for chocolate but managed to resist it!

There are a couple of people who have left comments on here.....For some reason I can't respond but know that I do read them and really appreciate the comments/feedback. Thanks guys!!! :-)

My Mum is much better now. 100% better than the day of her operation. She is even eating small bits of food now, which is good. I have a feeling she will probably be in hospital until Monday, so it will be a weekend of visits back and forth from the hospital. It's a pity the hospital is 45 minutes drive away! As well as my hospital visits, I plan on going to the Sydney Motorcycle Show this weekend. J is right into motorbikes at the moment and I quite like stuff like this too. It is meant to be a rainy Sydney weekend, so no outdoor activities for me! Although I will get either a run or a spin class in to make it 5 exercise sessions for the week. YAY!!!

My Plan For Today:
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morning tea: 3 multigrain rice cakes
Lunch: Grain roll with egg, spinach and low-fat dijonnaise
Afternoon tea: Celery, carrot and handful of nuts
Dinner: Pasta with tomato, basil, mushroom, capsicum
Dessert: Lifesaver iceblock
Exercise: Spin class already completed!

Have a great weekend!!!!!!

Miss Pinky

Going strong

2007-11-01T08:46:00.000+11:00

Stuck to my plan yesterday, apart from one dorrito chip and a handful of nuts.....But I skipped the iceblock to try and make up for it.

My Mum will be in hospital for a few days. I went and saw her last night. She was really slepy and sore.....Not surprisingly! I will go and see her each night until she gets out. Poor Mum! I hope she gets well soon.

Plan For Today.....
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morn Tea: Rice crackers
Lunch: Grain roll with egg, spinach and low fat dijonnaise
Afternoon tea: Carrots, celery and nuts
Dinner: Steak and vegies
Dessert: Lifesaver iceblock
Exercise: 8km run already completed....yay!!! :-)

Miss Pinky

Still on track....

2007-10-31T08:25:00.000+11:00

Day 2 is down and dusted and I completely stuck to my plan, except for one rice cake (22 calories).....Not bad!!! Boxing was good.....Quite fun actually. J and I did it together. We were both really sweaty by the end. Today my arms are a bit sore but still movable.

PLAN FOR TODAY:
Breakfast: Fruit salad
Morning tea: 15 rice crackers (number always depends on what ends up in my container)
Lunch: Pumpkin soup plus 1 slice grain bread
Afternoon tea: Half cup low fat yoghurt plus carrot/celery sticks
Dinner: Prawn curry with rice/vegies (weight watchers recipe)
Dessert: Lifesavers iceblock
Exercise: None.....Visiting my Mum in hospital straight after work. May just walk the dogs really late tonight but I don't count dog walking as exercise due to having to stop every 5 seconds for a "sniff"!!!

I am already feeling better about myself. Scales are still showing a 0.8kgs loss, which I am happy with. I need to stop the daily weighing but I am so addicted!!!

I ate so many vegetables yesterday that I thought I would turn into a carrot!! I must be so full of vitamins, which is awesome.

Miss Pinky.

One day down....A lifetime to go.....

2007-10-30T08:20:00.000+11:00

Well I DID IT!!!!!! I stuck to my eating plan for a whole day and went to my Spin class last night. The only way I deviated from my plan is that I didn't have the fish and vegies for dinner....I had 2 slices of grain toast with vegemite instead. This was because the fish had become frozen in the fridge. Weird??

The Spin class was so full-on. I was sweating like an animal and pushed myself really hard. There was a girl next to me with a full head of make-up, complete with pretty hair and pretty clothes. At the end of the class her make-up was still fully intact and all she had was a sparkle of sweat on her brow. Sometimes I wonder why people like this even bother! Is it just so she can tell everyone she does Spin classes?? Or, perhaps I am just simply jealous because she had an awesome figure!! I guess....why push hard when you don't really have to?

J and I had a big argument last night, with him once again picking on my weight. Funny thing is that it didn't even upset me this time. Ordinarily I would head straight for some chocolate or junk food to "console" myself. This time though I thought "Yes I am carrying some extra kilos but I am now doing something about it and I will lose it.....for me!!". Each time he makes nasty comments towards me, it just chips away at our relationship and makes me really question why I am with someone that so negatively affects my self esteem. J used to be so lovely towards me but lately he is just cold and basically ignores me. I guess only time will tell if we stay together but my patience is wearing very thin. The only reason I stay with him is because I am scared to be alone....but in all honesty, I spend so much time alone now that I may as well be single.

My Mum goes into hospital for an operation tomorrow. She is having a hysterectomy. She thinks she should only be in hospital for one night but one doctor said it may be 5 nights. I hope it all goes OK for her. I will go and visit her tomorrow after work and take her some flowers. I feel sorry for my Mum....She has had a really tough life. Always made bad choices in men, struggled to bring up 3 kids as a single Mum and now she is 62 and has been single for years. I wonder if she gets lonely?? I worry what will happen if my sister ever leaves home.

Plan for today:
BREAKFAST: Fruit salad
MORNING TEA: 11 rice crackers
LUNCH: Grain roll with chicken and salad
AFTERNOON TEA: Carrot and celery sticks and a handful of nuts
DINNER: The fish I guess....with vegies
DESSERT: Lifesaver iceblock
EXERCISE: 1 hour Boxing class

Fingers crossed I can be "good" for another day!

Miss Pinky.

Breaking out of this Funk

2007-10-29T13:25:00.000+11:00

Today is the start of getting back to being healthy. I know I say this all the time but I absolutely NEED to do it this time. As difficult as I find it to resist junk food and do regular exercise, I find it even tougher to hate myself the way I do now. I think of how I have let myself go and it makes me feel sick!

When I initially set out on this weight loss journey about 2 and a half years ago, my goal was to get to 60kgs. The closest I ever got was 61.6kgs in early Dec last year. Today I weighed in at 68.2kgs!!! That is a gain of 6.6kgs! I have never ever mentioned my actual weight on here due to feeling ashamed but it is time I became accountable for my actions. I am sick of feeling unattractive, frumpy and tired! I am sick of my thighs rubbing together and I am sick of “wobbling”!!!!

I am at a point where I am close to being house bound because I am so scared I will go somewhere and see someone who last saw me in Dec and they will think “Oh my God….Hasn’t she let herself go?”. I worked REALLY HARD for this…..I hated exercising 5-6 times a week and I really missed chocolate, McDonalds, etc but it was worth it because I lost a lot of weight and felt a little bit “good” about myself. I felt proud of what I had nearly achieved and loved the comments people would make about my weight loss. Now, people say nothing because it is quite obvious I am not achieving anything other than a massive spare tyre!

From now on I will write down everything I eat and exercise at least 4 times a week. I planned on running this morning but at 5.30am it was still dark and, as such, I could not motivate myself. So I MUST go to a Spin class at the Gym tonight and tomorrow I will do a Boxing class. I will plan the rest of the week closer to the day.

My food today looks like this:
BREAKFAST: Bowl of fresh fruit with half cup low fat yoghurt
MORNING TEA: 12 wholegrain rice crackers
LUNCH: Multigrain roll with lean chicken and salad
DINNER: Grilled fish with vegies and lemon
DESSERT: Lifesavers ice block (Better than my usual big bowl of icecream)
OPTIONAL SNACK: Nuts (See how I feel later)

It is J’s work Christmas party in about 4 weeks. Remember that I used to work there until Jan this year??….. The last Xmas party, I was about 62kgs and people kept making comments about my weight loss. I felt awesome…..Even “attractive”!!! If I stick to my plan religiously for 4 weeks, I should be able to get to 64kgs. At least then, it won’t be a massively obvious difference that people will talk about…..At least I hope it won’t!!!!

An update on the 8km run the other weekend…..It was sooooooo hot and horrible but I finished a minute quicker than last year. I was actually not happy with this as I wanted to do a really bad time to prove to myself how much harder running is with excess baggage. I finished in 49 minutes, so just over 6 min kms.

As God as my witness, from today on I WILL break out of this “funk” I have been in and get on with the task of being kinder to my body.

Miss Pinky

The Weight Dilemma

2007-10-12T15:44:00.000+10:00

I am not feeling the best today….For some reason I have developed a stomach ache and I feel very tired. Probably my body trying to tell me it is sick of all the junk food and it wants to get healthy again!! Although nothing seems to be able motivate me at the moment. I ran on Monday and Wednesday, 8kms each time and with some hills on Wednesday also. The runs were so hard because of this extra weight I am carrying and also because I have been so inconsistent with my running for the past few months. I hate feeling so unfit but obviously my love for high calorie food is stronger than my desire to lose weight……or else I would do something about it!

So many of my clothes are tight on me at the moment, so I just don’t wear them. I stick to the clothes that are loose and don’t make me feel uncomfortable. I tried to wear a pair of pants to work today but they felt so awful that I changed into a big baggy skirt instead. Mind you, these pants were so loose 2 years ago, that I considered throwing them out. Even my bras are now tight on me and dig in.

Where has my motivation gone and why on earth am I letting all my hard work go to waste? I am hating myself so much at the moment for my lack of self control. It is just disgusting! I also have my 8km run on Sunday, which will kill me due to my lack of fitness. Rather than just talking about joining Jenny Craig again, I think I need to “bite the bullet” and do it! If I could lose a few kilos I would feel so much better. Unfortunately, at the moment, when I have a choice as to which foods I eat, I choose the stuff I shouldn’t be eating and my serves are just too big.

I need to set out a food and exercise plan and actually stick to it!!

Enjoy your weekend and please return my motivation if you find it!

Miss Pinky.

Sydney Half Marathon Update

2007-10-03T13:09:00.000+10:00

Welcome to my very overdue post on the Sydney half marathon!!! It was the least painful long run I have ever done. The weather was very cool…..even “cold” at the start and the course was just perfect……very flat with only a few short inclines. I just kept on making sure that I reached each kilometre marker within 7 minutes, or better. At the 5km mark, I had a big drink of water and got a bad stitch, which I thought was going to force me to stop but I pushed through it and by 7km it was gone. The run was so scenic and it was awesome watching the half marathon leaders running back past me.

At the 16km mark I was expecting my lower back pain to kick in but it never came. I was so happy to not be hurting. At the 19km mark I had to stop and stretch for about 30 seconds but that was my only stop of the whole run. I came in at 2hrs 15 minutes, which is 12 minutes better than my Bankstown half time. I was so happy with myself, although I was upset J had not watched me come through the finish line. J finished in 99 minutes so he was very impressed with his time.

After the run, I did not even have to rest all day as I wasn’t feeling sore or sick, which was great. We stayed around to watch the Marathon runners come in. What absolute legends those people are!!!!! The winner won by about 8 minutes!!!! “One day” I will attempt a marathon!!

My next run is an 8km run near my Mum’s house. It is a pretty cool course but a little hilly. I did a time of 50 minutes last year, which is a good time for me. I am not sure if I will do this again this year as I am carrying a bit of extra “padding” and I am running less regularly now. After this, I will do the Central Coast half marathon in Dec, as this is meant to be a very flat course and I just love flat!!!!

The hotel that we stayed in at St Leonards was so nice and modern. It had a plasma TV, beautiful king bed, Aveda toiletries and a fantastic shower. The Gym there was just like a mini Fitness First Gym (same equipment)…..not that I used it though! The hotel also had a regular checkout time of 12pm, which is so generous. This meant we got to go back to the hotel after the race and have a nice shower before heading home.

I was so impressed by this hotel that J and I are staying there again this Saturday night for his birthday. I think we will have a nice picnic on Saturday, then check into the hotel and go out for dinner and drinks. It will just be the two of us, which will be nice. I love hotels!!! J already has his birthday present from me. I got him a Polar running watch. I notice he wears it every day but I don’t think he has calibrated it properly yet to work out his stats.

J has gone away on a work conference today, which means I am alone for 2 nights. I am going to stay at my Mum’s as I get freaked out in the big old house by myself and it will give me a chance to spend a bit of time with my Mum and sister. I can also run around her house, which is my favourite place to run.

Work is still good but has been very busy. I spent a few hours over the weekend catching up on work, which was not good but it was basically my own fault for taking it easy throughout the month. At least I have “learnt my lesson” for next time!

Food is going very, very bad. All I do is eat junk and heaps of it! Hopefully now that the weather is getting warmer I will ease back a bit. I really want to join Jenny Craig for a few months but I honestly can’t afford it at the moment. J and I are going to Bali for Christmas and need to save for this. I am so psyched to go away!!!! I love being in warm places and just shopping and eating and doing whatever I like…..Bliss!!!!

Till Next Time
Miss Pinky

Birthday and Running Update

2007-09-21T08:49:00.000+10:00

I am now officially in my “thirties” and I don’t feel any different so my fear was unfounded. I had an awesome birthday!! The secret getaway that J took me on was to the Blue Mountains. He had booked a lovely Victorian style room, complete with spa, log fire, strawberries and chocolates and he even booked me into the spa for a facial and massage. It was such a lovely, thoughtful gesture….I was very impressed! It was great to just relax and not have to worry about housework or the dogs (they were at my Mum’s and I love them to death but enjoy a small break every now and then as they are so full-on). We went to a nice little Mediterranean restaurant on the Thursday night and had some yummy pizza and pasta. After this, J produced a small birthday mudcake back at the hotel and he even had ice-cream to go with it. I was so full afterwards but it was all delicious. We had a buffet breakfast in the morning after a great sleep-in and then had our spa treatment. After this, we had a quick look around Katoomba, grabbed some lunch (more yummy cakes) and drove back to Sydney.

Then I had my McDonald’s party on the Friday night with my family. I will post some pics when I work out how to do it!! It was nice and casual and my sister had bought the most amazing ice-cream cake I have ever had!!! It was from Wendy’s and was Cookies and Cream flavour, with scoops of all different flavours on top and the whole cake had big rectangles of chocolate around it….YUMMO!!!!

I got some good pressies too. The best present is the most amazing hair straightener from my sister. It is one of those ionic straighteners which cost about $300. I think the brand is “Kodo” or something like that and it is FANTASTIC!!! In about 15 seconds it heats up to 210 degrees and perfectly straightens my bushy “paddle pop lion” hair in no more than 10 minutes. I am so impressed that I can finally wear my hair down!!! I wish I knew how good these things were earlier!

Well my half marathon is only 2 days away now!!!! I have been nearly “spot on” this week with my food and I have clocked up 38kms of running. Now I have 2 days of complete rest before Sunday. J and I are staying in a hotel at North Sydney on Saturday night so we don’t have to get up at 3am to get to the run (we live on the other side of Sydney) and also so I can have a lovely sleep in a king-size bed without the dogs. My Mum is minding them again. Last week I was feeling sick with a bad cold and I also had a very sore back but I am happy to report that I am all better and ready to “attack” this half marathon. Although I am not sure you can call a pace of 7min kilometres an “attack”?? I feel a little nervous but I know I can do the distance and I will make sure I have nurofen before the run to combat any migraines that may arise. I am actually looking forward to running over the harbour bridge….It should be cool! I bought some fantastic new Asics running tights last weekend and I am just loving them!! They do not move at all and are so comfortable.

So the plan until Sunday is to get plenty of rest, do no exercise and have a bit of a “carb load” on Saturday. Not that I really believe you need it for a half marathon but any excuse will do! I am such a carb addict!!!!

Take care and enjoy the weekend
Miss Pinky

Saying "Goodbye" to my Twenties

2007-09-13T15:25:00.000+10:00

It is my 30th birthday tomorrow so today is the last day of my “twenties”. I clearly remember turning 20 and thinking so many major milestones would happen during that decade. I thought I would get married, have kids, buy a house. It was actually a very stressful time for me, signalling the end of my youth….or so I thought! The only thing I managed to do in my 20’s was to get married….and separated soon after! I don’t feel I have achieved very much in the last ten years. I wonder what the next 10 will hold for me?? I guess it is up to me to make things happen. I am the only one who has the power to map out my own destiny.

Last night J told me to “pack an overnight bag”. He won’t tell me where we are going but obviously I am off somewhere for the night. He is picking me up after work and we leave straight away. That is so thoughtful of him! I knew something was “up” but I actually thought that perhaps he was having a big surprise party for me, which I was dreading!!! I hope we are staying in a hotel tonight as I would love to relax! I guess we are, as where else would we be staying? The dogs have gone to my Mum’s….he organised this all without me knowing.

It is his birthday in a few weeks. I know what present I am getting him, which I know he will love (I won’t write it just in case he reads this) but now I am trying to think of something exciting to do. I will never be able to beat what he has done as I can’t afford a night away, as well as his present.

Unfortunately I have not been feeling the best for the last few days…..a yucky head cold. Also, I went to the Gym on Monday night and did this really hard class with lots of situps and pushups and I have been aching all over ever since. I have really hurt my back and I am so worried about how this will affect my half marathon next Sunday! I have gone back to bad eating and no exercise too, so I am totally and completely unfit. I just hope I can finish.

My sister was fired from her job yesterday. Sounds like her Boss is a horrible weak ar**hole who did not even give her a warning or anything. He just called her in at the start of the day and said “It’s not really working out….You aren’t doing all the filing”. She is only 19 and has only ever worked for 7 months of her whole life. She is not the sharpest tool in the shed but she is very sweet. He told her she could either resign or he would fire her, so she resigned. She said she did not cry until she got in her car, which is so strong of her!

I feel really sorry for her as her work was having a dinner tomorrow night and she was really looking forward to it…..It was her first ever work function. He could have told her she could still go to that….but he didn’t. I sent her a bouquet of balloons yesterday to try and cheer her up. I think she should try something like hairdressing, which is predominantly a manual skill job. I think she would do well at something like this, as she likes fashion/hairstyles, etc and is great at talking to strangers. Fingers crossed that she finds something soon!

Leah…..if you read this…..I am very proud of you. I don’t often tell you this but I do love you and would protect you no matter what the circumstances were. You are such a sweet and silly girl, with a heart of gold. The way you got over your past “issues” shows how courageous and strong you are. Stop feeling the need to follow the paths of others and find your own way in this world. I have faith that you will one day find exactly where you fit in and be happy with yourself. Just know that no matter what happens, I will always be waiting to “help you pick up the pieces”. I know you don’t tell me everything that goes on with you but know that I want to hear all of this. You can call me for help at any time of the day or night and I will come. I see a lot of me in you and have probably been through most of the stuff you are going through. You are a little champion Leah and don’t ever underestimate what you can achieve!! :-)

Well I better go and finish up my work before I am picked up for my weekend away….YAY!!!!!

Take Care
Miss Pinky

Horrible, horrible day

2007-09-07T14:21:00.000+10:00

It is a rainy crappy day in Sydney and, although it is the APEC holiday, I am at work. I chose to work today as I am having my 30th birthday off next Friday instead. I do plan on leaving an hour earlier today though as it is very quiet here.

I have been rather bad the last 2 days with my food and exercise....a bit of chocolate and other things I shouldn't be eating and I am not running today....even though I am meant to be. I am in another "I don't care stage", which I am all too familiar with! It just all seems a bit too difficult for me at times.

I think the main reason for going off the rails is that I am having a bit of a sad time emotionally at the moment. Just some not-so-happy stuff going on personally but I shall work through it....one chocolate bar at a time....ha ha ha!!! Very unfortunately, I am not only a bored eater but also an emotional eater so times like this are fraught with danger for me.

The half marathon is only 2 weeks away and I will run like an overweight corgi on three legs....as usual! My back is still sore after my long run last Sunday and I just hope and pray it gets better by the HM or I will be in absolute agony!!

A very funny thing happened the other day....I checked the mail when I arrived home from work and there was a small padded parcel bag in there. I thought "It must be a little birthday present from someone". I opened it up and it was actually a bronze medal from the Bankstown Half Marathon I did a few weeks ago. I had come third in my age group.....although there were only 3 girls in my age group.....ha ha ha!!!!!! The only medal I have ever received in my life was for coming 1st in my form for Maths in year 12 so I feel very proud to have a medal for running, even though I really came last!

I bought some new runners last weekend. I have decided the $180 Nikes that have only been worn twice will never be getting near my feet again....what a big waste of money!!! They are just so uncomfortable I can't stand it! I bought a pair of my "tried and true" Asics Gels, which is the only runner I have ever worn besides my Nike mistake!!! I went for an 18k run on Sunday in them with no pain at all. I also bought myself a fuel belt so I could run long training runs and a running cap. I am not used to the fuel belt yet but it certainly felt much better after I had drunk all the fluids and it was empty!!! I won't use this for the HM as there are drink stations every km and I don't need anything extra to annoy me as it will be hard enough!

I am not sure what I am doing this weekend?? I should really be doing some running but that will all depend on my mood. Maybe I will just have to make myself do 2 short runs so all my training the last few weeks does not go to waste. I know that technically I should be tapering but, trust me, my life is a taper! I hope I can lift myself out of this dark head space I am in and have some fun this weekend.....But I am really not sure what will happen....

Till next time....
Miss Pinky

Perhaps I am finally on track???

2007-08-28T13:32:00.000+10:00

(Me at first Half)

Today is the second day of my “healthy living” plan. At the end of last week I had a good look at myself in the mirror and I was pretty disgusted with my reflection. How could I have let all my hard work go to waste? My stomach is enormous and I just feel so horrible! I tried on a dress on the weekend that I wore all last summer and I could hardly zip it up. When I did manage to get the zip done up, I had a crease in my back from where the fat was overlapping….yuck! I cannot go out and buy new clothes so I need to get some weight off…Simple! The last few weeks I have had no energy at all from all the junk food and the minimal exercise I have been doing so I need to make this change. I want to look in the mirror without feeling absolutely grossed out and I want to be fit again.

Since yesterday I have been eating healthily (no chocolate which is amazing) and I have been for a run both mornings before work. I am already feeling better and a little bit less disgusted at myself. My plan is to exercise 5 days a week (4 runs and one spin class) and try to lose 4kgs by the half marathon, which is 4 weeks away. I will feel so much better running with a little less weight. If I do reach my goal, I will buy a new running outfit for the half marathon as my reward. All in all, I need to lose 8kgs but 4kgs will make me feel much better too!

As much as I hate getting up at 5am to go running, I actually enjoy being out at that time because it is very quiet and I enjoy seeing the sun starting to rise just before I finish. I have only been running 8kms each day and it has actually been pretty hard. How on earth I will run the HM I do not know!!?? On Sunday I am heading to the national park with J to attend a HM training course that they run there. It is an 18km track. I am dreading it because I hate the lower back pain of the last few kms. 18kms will not be as bad as 21kms though….so I should only be in real pain for about 2kms.

I almost forgot to provide an update on the Bankstown Half Marathon……It was so horrible!!!! It was absolutely pouring rain the day of the race but we went along anyway. I was as nervous as anything but started out running at a pretty good pace (6min kms) for the first 7kms. Then….a bad migraine set in. I could not believe my bad luck!!! My vision was so bad that I could hardly see the race marshalls who were directing people which way to go. As such, I went the wrong way for about half a km and had to turn around and find the “right way”. Somehow, I struggled through each kilometre telling myself “Just one more and you can finish”. I ran the whole 21kms. I was so sore….my lower back felt like it was about to snap off from the pain, even though I had applied deep heat at about the 16km mark. I finished in 2 hours 28 mins, which I was happy with. J did 1 hour 47 mins….legend!!! After the run, we basically headed straight home as I felt very sick from my untreated migraine. I threw up out the car window three times on the way home and spent all day and night in bed. For the Blackmores half I will be having nurofen before the run just in case and I will also take some with me. I hate migraines!!!!! A pic of me running the half is at the top of this post. This is a pre-migraine photo.

Work is still good but a little quiet at the moment. There is at least 3 hours each day where I really have nothing to do and I am just struggling to waste time. J and I bought a scooter on the weekend and he is going for his licence on the 18th Sep so after this he will ride himself to and from work. This will give me an extra 3 hours of free time per day so will make my life much more enjoyable. This will mean I will have more time for exercise or walking the dogs or simply to do housework at a reasonable hour. The scooter is so cute…..bright red. It will be so much fun going to the beach on it in Summer.

It is my birthday in 2 and a half weeks…..The big “3-0”!!!! I am actually having a McDonalds party for it as I thought this was the best option for dinner due to the fact that my nieces and nephew are young and don’t eat foods that I like (Thai, etc). I love Maccas anyway so it’s not like I won’t enjoy it. This will be a very naughty meal for me. I will be very good apart from that day to balance things out. I also have the day off work for my birthday and I have a feeling J has organised something special. I am thinking Hot Air Ballooning as he mentioned something about this the other day…..or a night in a hotel. I hope it’s a night in a hotel because I would love to have some relaxing time. Oh well, not long to wait to find out! I can’t wait to get presents….I love presents!!!!!

Well I am off now to “look busy” for a few hours….

Ciao
Miss Pinky

Long Time No Post!

2007-08-14T19:46:00.000+10:00

It has been a while, hasn't it?! The reason for the long break in between posts is that my new job is very full-on. I am enjoying it but it is a busy role and the days just fly by....A good thing I guess! I have been there a couple of weeks now and I feel as though I am picking up things pretty quickly.

Running has been virtually non-existent as I have been one lazy hippo.....although I have decided to run in the Bankstown Half Marathon this Sunday. I was due to do a long run anyway so this way I will be forced into it! I will be struggling from a severe lack of preparation and fitness but I am just going to look at it as a practice run for the Blackmores Half.

I didn't run in the City to Surf last Sunday but I did go down there to cheer J on, who did it. I have NEVER seen so many people in one spot! It was so packed that it scared me! J said it was heaps of fun.....people cheering everywhere and giving out lollies, etc along the way. J finished in about 70 mins, which he was happy with. At least he can get in the first pack next year with this time. The runners looked awesome....especially the ones who came in first. Those girls have the best bodies I have ever seen! Unbelievable! I don't think I will ever run in this as the volume of runners would really put me off. Good on all those who did it though! ;-)

J and I are off to Melbourne next weekend for 2 nights. J's best friend is moving OS so we are going to farewell him. As I can't get any time off from work we can only go from Friday night until Sunday but that's OK. It will be plenty of time to eat cakes and biscuits...ha ha ha!!!! I bet it will be freezing so I will be sure to pack for the occasion. I don't really like Melbourne but I love staying in hotels and having some time away from household jobs, etc.

I had a hideous night last night....Jack started throwing up at 4am and threw up about 5 times before it was my real "wake up time". Poor boy! I don't know why he always gets sick?? He has had a blood test and they come up showing he is healthy but there always seems to be something wrong with him. He seems OK now though and is at least drinking water. If he is sick again, I will take him to the Vet. He is off to the Vet on Thursday night anyway as his wound from the operation has a massive lump under it. I will be so upset if they have to operate again. Max is going strong as usual....He is tough as nails....A bit too tough at times!

Well I am off....
Miss Pinky

On The "Up"

2007-08-06T12:30:00.000+10:00

I started my new job on Thursday. I really like it....It seems very similar to my old job which I loved. It comes with great benefits too....including the fact that I have today off for the "bank holiday" even though I do not work for a bank! The peple seem nice too....although I am the youngest person in my team. It is so close to where I live (15mins drive) which is great! Although at the moment I still have to drive into the City each day to drop off and pick up J. This will change when we buy a scooter in a few weeks and then I will be home most days by 4.15pm....Excellent!!!

I went for a run last night....about 13kms. This was my first run since last Sunday!!! I have been terribly unmotivated lately. Now that the weather is getting a bit warmer I won't be so slack. I am still planning on doing the half in Sept.....at least at this stage. About 7 weeks to go until it's on I think.

J and I had a very quiet weekend but it was nice. We just took the dogs to a couple of dog parks and spent the rest of the time relaxing at home. On Saturday morning we had a breakfast BBQ which was awesome! Much more exciting than cereal or toast!

I don't have much to say so I shall sign off for now....

Mis Pinky

Groundhog Day....

2007-08-01T20:21:00.000+10:00

I swear my life is "Groundhog Day"....It just feels as though I re-live the same day over and over again. I am not even working at the moment and I still feel that I have no time to myself to do what I want to do. I am so sick of washing, cleaning, doing dishes, etc. It seems this is all I ever do. I need to do something to change my life and make it more "fun" but I have known this for a long time and I still haven't managed to change anything.

For the second time this year I have decided to withdraw from my Uni course. I have no time for myself now, without adding this to the mix. I didn't even start it or even buy the textbooks so I guess I must not have been that serious about it in the first place!

I start my new job tomorrow. I am feeling really nervous about this....I hate starting new jobs! I think I am really nervous because I have not seen where I will be working. I had my interview in their city office instead. I hope it all goes OK and the people are nice. For the next few weeks, I have to drive 40mins to the City each morning to drop off J and then back 40mins to my work and do the same thing after work. This is until we get a scooter sorted out for J to ride to work. What a hassle!!!

My weight is enormous at the moment, which is making me upset. All the new pants I bought for my new job feel tight and I look like a pygmy hippopotamus in them. They will probably split in half tomorrow...ha ha ha!!!! Because I feel upset, I eat and eat and eat....vicious cycle! I am seriously considering joining Jenny Craig for a while....Before I explode! I have put on about 7kgs since winter started....How grose! Haven't run since Sunday.....Made excuses for the first few days and today I have been feeling really dizzy and light-headed so I gave it a miss. Any excuse will do really.....when you are looking for one!

I got a massive electricity bill yesterday....$758 for the quarter!!! Usually the winter bill is around $250, so I am stressing out about it. I have 3 heaters in my house and a reverse cycle air-con and they have all been working full-time lately due to the cold snap we had. I have also been leaving the air-con on when I go to work because I don't want the dogs to feel the cold. Now, I am very close to living off candles as I can't believe how much this bill is!!!! I wish I could move to a warmer place....or even a smaller house as it may hold the warmth better.

On top of this, Jack had to go to the Vet today and he has a respiratory tract infection. He now has antibiotics and cough syrup. I must say it's great fun trying to syringe cough syrup into a Jack Russell's mouth! I think myself and the wall got more of it than him! Why is this dog always sick??? I feel so sorry for him. He is really sad, the gorgeous boy. At least it's not anything serious.

All in all, a pretty shitty time for me. I am feeling rather down and need something to cheer me up and QUICK! Pity I don't drink alcohol......ha ha ha!!!! Sorry for this "sad" post! I am sure I will be happy again soon....

Miss Pinky

I think I should change my surname to Monaghetti??

2007-07-29T21:40:00.000+10:00

All this talk about Cadell Evans and the Tour de France.....They should all be talking about me and my big run I say!!!!
Ha ha ha!!!! AS IF!!!! (Just quietly I do feel rather proud though.....of both Cadell Evans and myself)

Went for my 21km run....Finished in 2.5 hours. This makes me realise my run the other day was shorter than 20kms. This one felt pretty good until around 16-17kms when my lower back pain kicked in. I had to keep stopping and touching my toes to ease the pain. I also had to make a quick dash into my house at about the 20km mark for some juice as I felt like I may have dropped dead otherwise....I was totally "spent"!! The juice gave me the extra energy needed for the last km.

I am now convinced we were not meant to run this far. How on earth do people do the marathon??? I find after about 2 hours I am so mentally "bored" and I can't even come up with things to think of or focus on. As sad as it is, I often use my running time to think up new outfits to wear. What a tool!!!! I just find it a good way to take the focus off the run.

On a "non-running" note, I took my dogs to the park this morning and, once again, Max bit all the big dogs and had to be moved to an area all by himself. I don't know what is wrong with him?? He has gotten increasingly aggressive ever since we got him over a year ago. He has also started to "snarl" at young children so I now can't have him anywhere near them. God help me if I ever have a child!! Jack played nicely as usual but kept jumping up on all the people's laps and annoying them. He is such a friendly dog but sometimes too friendly for some!!! I wish I could have two lovely, well-behaved dogs that listened to everything I said. I guess it is my fault for spoiling them rotten!

I have 3 more days left of "non-work" before starting my new job. I just LOVE being at home and doing whatever I want. I wish I was rich and did not have to work! Woe is me!!!

I am still trying to decide where to go away to at the end of the year. I would love to go back to Thailand but I should probably try something new and venture to Vietnam. I love holidays!!! Asia is so cool!!! I love the warmth, the shopping, the food and the relaxation I can indulge in....Heaven!

I shall sign off now and get back to my beloved TV.
I am so excited that Zach and Aleisha are the last 2 housemates in the Big Brother House....GO ZACH!!!!

Miss Pinky

Have I Gone Crazy???

2007-07-29T10:31:00.000+10:00

I really hope this did actually happen and I did not actually dream it.....I guess it must have happened as I have the "scars" to prove it. On Thursday night set out for my usual 8km run. For once in my life, I actually felt that I was doing it easy, so I decided to try for 20kms....Yes that's right....20kms!!!! The best bit is that I actually did it!!!!!! I felt OK until around the 17km mark when my lower back started to really hurt. It was about this stage that I had to conquer some small hills at Woolooware (southern suburb of Sydney....near Cronulla) so this may have had something to do with it. When I returned home I collapsed on the front stairs of my house and I could barely even move. The thing is that I had not planned on doing this long run and, as such, I had only had about 300mls of water in the whole day and had no water during the run.....Silly girl!!!! Anyway, I have all these welty things where my singlet and tights rubbed so I feel they are my "war scars"....ha ha ha!!!!

I still can't believe I actually did it!!! It took me 2 hours and 10 minutes which is very crappy but at least I finished. So, today I am out to do it again. This time it is planned so I will place some water around the course for me to drink and I will also make sure I have a shirt on with sleeves so I don't add to the already very sore friction burns under my arms.

Why am I now running so much further than before??? I have decided to run in the Blackmores half marathon in September. I think finishing this would make me very proud of myself. I will feel rather embarrassed running with all those serious athletes but I don't think I will come last....Although I will be very close!!! :-)

I have also joined up as a member of the Cool Running website www.coolrunning.com.au to get some extra motivation and support. I also want to buy one of their tops to wear on the day so I can get some "cheers" along the way....hopefully! They have heaps of great info on this website, which I find really useful.

J & I had a nice anniversary last Wednesday. We went out for dinner and he gave me a pink IPod shuffle (so cute) and a gorgeous Guess handbag. I felt very spoilt! The shuffle is great....I just clip it onto my singlet when I go running and I can't even feel that it is there.

Well I am going to go and take my dogs out before I go for my big run, as I won't be able to move afterwards!!!!

Enjoy your Sunday
Miss Pinky

I am still here....

2007-07-24T14:19:00.000+10:00

I have not posted for a few days and so much has changed!!! I ended up walking out of my horrible job at lunch time on Friday. The reason?? The old man who was supposedly "retiring" from the position that I took came back from his holidays and completely took over everything. I had already resigned and was due to finish up tomorrow anyway but he made me feel so uncomfortable that I couldn't stick around. There is one desk in my area and one computer....He completely took them over. I came in on Friday and he is sitting at my chair at my desk on my computer with his personal phone numbers, etc on my pin board. How rude!!! I was going in a few days anyway....Couldn't he have waited??!!! So they all went out to this corporate lunch on Friday and I thought "stuff this", emailed my Boss who is really nice to explain why I would not be back and left. Funny thing is that nobody from there even called me or anything....Goes to show how unprofessional they are!!! I am so glad to be away from it all!

So, I got the job that I really wanted which I am very happy about!!! It pays well, is for a great company and the role sounds great too. I am just waiting on a start date from them but it should be late this week or early next week. For the moment, I am enjoying bludging at home and doing not much at all!

I did my 11km fun run on Sunday. I was a little disappointed as I finished in 68mins and I was hoping for 66mins or better but I should be happy that I ran the whole way without stopping. My new shoes are still crap....Giving me plenty of grief. I don't know whether to persevere or go back to my old Asics?? My lead up to the run was much less than perfect....I did no exercise at all from Tuesday until the race on Sunday AND I ate for a small community all week!! I actually was not sure if I was going to run at all until the day. At least I did it. I am actually thinking of running the 9km Blackmores run in September....I will see how I feel and also how fat I am at this stage!! Ha ha ha!!!!

Well I am going to go and buy J a small Anniversary gift before I pick him up from work. I gave him his "real present" early....Some "skins" to use for the race last Sunday. They are certainly expensive tights but he said they do a great job. He loved them and that is the main thing!

See you later....
Miss Pinky

Dramas, dramas!

2007-07-18T08:25:00.000+10:00

The job hunt has hit a rather familiar "snag"......I have been offered (and accepted) a Customer Service role with a supplier of infant linens. I am due to start with them on Monday. The issue is that I had an interview yesterday for a role that I am much more interested in and now I am unsure what I should do?? The same thing happened to me when I started working here. I was offered this role first but really wanted another one that I was going for at the same time. I was scared to decline the offer to work here in case I also did not get the other job and, well, here I am...In a job that I totally despise!!!

I have emailed the recruitment consultant for the job that I really want and explained the situation to him. If he comes back and tells me my interview went well, then I will take a gamble and "hang out" for that job. This will just mean letting the recruitment person from the other job know that I have had a "change of heart". If my interview yesterday did not go so well, I will be resigning from here today and finishing up tomorrow. This way I can have the Friday off before starting at the new place on Monday. I could always start at the new place and then leave if I get the other job but I would feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed doing that. Either way, I have 2 weeks left here of my "probation period", after which time I have to give 4 weeks notice, not one day...so I need to get out before then.

My food and exercise has been just terrible! I am back into the chocolates, biscuits and cakes and making excuses to not exercise. The bloody run is this Sunday!!! Can't I just keep it together for a few days?? I MUST run after work today, no matter how cold it is here and no matter how much I don't feel like doing it. If I look for excuses, I will find them. I feel better about myself when I eat well and exercise so why do I keep sabotaging my efforts, which just makes me feel bad?? I think I am "off the rails" because I feel stressed about what to do work-wise and feel nervous about resigning from here. I must stop making excuses to treat myself badly though! My health and well-being should be my number one priority. I feel very fat and sorry for myself today....I need to snap out of it!

I am also feeling pi**ed off because I really want to get my tax done so I can find out how much I am getting back but I am yet to receive one of my group certificates. My old work changed payroll company's mid-year and, as such, heaps of certificates have not been received. Once I know what I am getting back, I can work out if I am going to spend the money on a holiday at the end of the year or put it aside to go towards a house deposit. I just wish the damn thing would arrive!!! This way, I can have something positive to look forward to.

Wednesday is J and I's 2 year anniversary so that will be nice. I have thought of a few ideas of what to get him....some practical things and some not so practical things. I will go to the shops tomorrow at lunch to pick them up. Now I just need to think of something nice to do to celebrate the night....Going for dinner is just so ordinary!

Till next time
Miss Pinky

Run? Legend.....Food? Loser!!

2007-07-16T09:46:00.000+10:00

First of all an update on my run from Saturday.....I am so absolutely proud of myself!!! Not only did I run the whole 11kms without any walking stops at all but I did it in an amazing time....62 minutes. I honestly can't believe I did this as I was expecting to do about 80 minutes. I must admit that the course is mostly downhill, with a few uphills put in for "good measure" but I am still ecstatic with my result!!! We got a taxi from the finish line to the start line and when I saw just how far 11kms was, I was absolutely petrified. I thought "no way am I going to finish this". I felt like I was going at a very slow pace because I wanted to make sure I didn't run out of "puff" but I was so excited when I saw J just near the finish line. He was walking to get a coffee as he didn't think I would arrive for at least another 15 minutes and he seemed really shocked when he saw me. I also recovered really quickly and did not feel sore or tired afterwards. To reward myself for my efforts I bought a great pair of new Nike runners from the running shop and a new pair of pants for work. The runners feel so comfortable and are very lightweight so perhaps they will make me faster?? I think that is just wishful thinking!! :-)

So, riding on this "running high" saw me eat enough food to feed a small village at our BBQ yesterday!! It was HIDEOUS!!! I just kept eating and eating and eating and I filled up on all the bad stuff like cheese, crackers, dip and then chocolate biscuits. I ate so much that at the end of the day I had "reflux" coming up into my mouth. What a dead-set pig to eat until I was that sick! I had set my alarm to get up and run before work this morning but at about 4am I woke up still feeling sick so I changed the time on the alarm to a later time. Then, when it went off I still felt sick so I thought "I am not going in to work today" but I ended up coming in as I would have had to drive J to work anyway and I have an interview this afternoon also so there was really no point in staying home. I am considering a "sickie" next Monday as J will be having an RDO and it is the day after the run so I may be tired. Why not take advantage of the sick days before I leave?

Due to my hideous eating and sleeping in I have to go for a run at lunch time today. This means about an hour and a half lunch break, which is really "taking advantage" but I hate it here anyway! This run is going to kill me.....and the 8500 chocolate cookies swimming around in my stomach! I have planned out my exercise for the week and I am determined to stick to a good eating and exercise plan to rid myself of the extra kilo I gained over the weekend. In a way, I am happy I got so sick from it because it will make me think twice before doing it again....hopefully!!!

My interview this afternoon is for a job that seems much better than my current one but not as good as the one I have an interview for tomorrow afternoon. I will go anyway and see what happens. I hope and pray that the one tomorrow goes well as I really want this!!

I start Uni next week. I am worried about how I will juggle 12 credit points of Uni with full-time work, exercise, housework and looking after the dogs but I will need to work something out. As it is now I don't have enough time to do everything! J will really need to "step up" and help me out with the washing and housework. One of the perils of me running and J doing 2 exercise sessions a day is the amount of washing we have! I wash every single day and it takes up so much time.

Also - Next week is J and my 2 year anniversary. I am not sure what we are doing to celebrate. We will probably go out for dinner or something. I need to think of a present to get him. He is hard to buy for!

Well I have no work today but I will go and catch up on all my favourite blogs.

Miss Pinky

Scared Shi*less!!!

2007-07-13T12:24:00.000+10:00

Why....you may ask?? Because I am officially resistered in my 11km race for next Sunday. I am petrified and I don't know why?? I am going to run the course tomorrow and I am even scared to run it as a test!!! I am silly! I really, really hope I can do it. I will feel very proud of myself if I do.

My interview yesterday went well. The job and the company sounds awesome! I have an interview with the company next Tuesday afternoon so I will have to "suit up" for this one. I really want this job so I need to make a good impression! I will not get my hopes up too high....just in case. It will mean a 10% salary increase for me though, which would be just awesome!

I am very happy it is Friday today. Hopefully I don't have too many days left here! I have a PUMP class this afternoon. My muscles don't feel sore at all so I should do OK. I am going to do the 11km run in the morning to get it out of the way. Then I have to get the house cleaned up and take the dogs to the park. Maybe I can fit some shopping in too? On Sunday, we have our BBQ on so I will take the dogs to the park in the morning before it starts. Sunday is my rest day from exercise so I need to watch what I put in my mouth carefully. I have planned the menu so there are not too many high-calorie foods to tempt me.

I ended up having sushi and miso soup for dinner last night. I had a craving which needed to be addressed but I kept it small. Only issue was that I was still hungry when I got home so I had some M&M's and 2 lite biscuits!! Bad girl!!! Although I still came in at 1300 calories for the day, which was OK. 1200 is my ideal.

Well I am off to have some lunch. A weird lunch today....weetbix with skim milk. The reason is that we have run out of food at home and I am reluctant to eat bread (even though weet bix is carbs anyway!).

Have a great weekend and pray that I can run this whole course!!
Miss Pinky.

Feeling Rather Proud

2007-07-12T11:15:00.000+10:00

I am feeling rather proud of myself today. Trust me, it is an odd feeling to not be hating myself immensely and feeling like a failure! I feel proud of myself because I have been very good with my eating and my exercise. This is today's plan and is fairly typical of what I am doing at the moment:

Breakfast: Protein drink (108calories) plus a low-fat muesli bar
Morning Tea: 1/2 a slice of pear and rasberry bread
Lunch: 6 small vita weats with tuna and tomato
Afternoon tea: 5 strawberries
Dinner: 1 egg, 1/2 large can of heinz spaghetti, 2 slices grain toast
Exercise: 45mins Spin Class completed before work
Fluid: About 2 litres H2O, 1.5 cans Coke Zero, 1 green tea

I worked out that I really love the pear and raspberry bread so I thought that instead of fighting the temptation, I should just go with it. So I now work it into my plan and have half a piece instead of the full one. The only way I may deviate from the plan is to have 2 low-fat biscuits and a small handful of M&M's when I get home but that has been the worst I have done all week. Dessert has gone completely and my meals are much smaller than they were before. I have not even had any major chocolate cravings either. I am not sure if this has to do with the protein but I don't feel "constantly hungry" like I used to. I think calcium is lacking so I may get some calcium tablets and start taking them, in addition to my fish oil and glucosamine.

I did my PUMP class last night. I did not want to go so badly but I am glad I did. I am the sort of person who likes to complete my exercise either in the morning or before I get home at night. If I have to go out and exercise after I have returned home, the chances of me not doing it are much higher. Anyway, I dragged myself along to the class and I did really well. I believe I am much stronger than I ever thought. My weights were up there with the boys and, in some tracks, the boys were struggling and I was not. I could have even put more weight on at times but I felt embarrassed...Like a big "she male" or something!!

I am totally comitted to doing this 11km run next Sunday, despite the fact that I am scared. Everyone has told me that if I can do 8km, I will be able to do 11km. I am going to believe them and also give myself "permission" to walk if I feel the need. I will try to run the whole way but this "permission" may ease the pressure a little. J wants to get me new runners this week (my Asics are wearing away on the inside and at the soles) but I will wait until after the run. There is no way I can break in new shoes so quickly and although mine are falling apart, they are very comfortable and I am used to running in them.

My weight is sitting stable but I do feel better around my waist area. I don't feel as "fat" as last week. I wish some weight would shift from the scales but I just need to be patient and it will happen!

I have my interview this afternoon. I really want this job now so I am hoping it all goes well. Hopefully I can "sell" myself!!

Over & Out
Miss Pinky

Wednesday Update

2007-07-11T12:17:00.000+10:00

I think I am obsessed by other people's blogs...I can't stop reading them, especially running blogs!! I think I spent at least 5 hours yesterday at work looking at them. In a way they do inspire me but, in another way, they make me feel like I am not doing enough. I am such an amateur! These people run so many kms per week it is not funny!!!! I honestly don't know how they find the time to fit all their exercise in!!

I have no running today. I am going to a PUMP class tonight though, which is at a very inconvenient time. It starts at 7pm. J and I get home from work at 6pm and he starts his 2nd job at 8pm. Usually we have dinner and clean up during these two hours. Tonight though, I will have to force myself to stay away from food until after my class (I can't exercise on a full stomach) and by the time I get home J will be gone. Oh well, I can't have everything my own way! This morning I got to sleep in until 5.45am. I was so happy with the extra 45mins and also not having to get up and go running straight away. I took the dogs out for a quick 20 minute walk instead. I am worried now that each time I get up to go running they will think they are coming with me.

Tomorrow I have a job interview in the afternoon. It is for a major fuel company....an order management type role. It sounds very good, pay is good and it is close to home. I will see how I go. I don't like to get my hopes up any more! Because of this job interview being scheduled in the afternoon, I will do a Spin class before work tomorrow.

My weight is still the same as yesterday but I have been rather good with my food. I had a piece of banana bread for morning tea today but I will cut out a few other things to make up the calories. J sent me the pic at the top of this post yesterday. It is of me in Thailand last Dec. I hate this pic because I think I look so much smaller than I do now. I was about 4-5kgs lighter then. As much as I hate this pic because I am jealous of it, I need to use it as my inspiration!!!

I went to a pet shop today to get some dog treats and they had the cutest female Jack Russell puppy in there. She was all alone and I wished so badly I could have taken her with me. I know that J will say "no" though. I do agree with him that 2 dogs is enough but she was just so cute!!!

Well just a short post today. I best be off as I am meeting my sister for lunch.

Miss Pinky

Over The Moon!!

2007-07-10T07:58:00.000+10:00

Finally....after weeks of trying hard the scales have been kind to me! I weighed myself this morning before my run and I was down 1.2kgs at last!!! After my run, I lost another 0.6kgs but I generally do not like to go by that weight as it is mostly a false reading. It is so nice to see numbers that do not scare me to death! I also took my waist measurement and it is down around 2-3cms from a couple of weeks ago. I feel so much better about myself. It has really boosted my self esteem that my efforts are finally paying off! I was beginning to think I was doomed.

Yesterday I went for a run at lunch time around my Mum's house near the beach. It stopped raining for the duration of my run, which I was thankful for. The only issue was that, even though it was a cold day yesterday, I felt very hot. This is because I am used to running either before the sun comes up or as the sun is going down. I don't think my body enjoys being out running while the sun is up. The big hill killed me and there were many times I thought I would stop....but I didn't. This is where running is such a fabulous thing to do....You achieve things you never thought possible and, in turn, your belief in yourself and your abilities grows. I suffer a bit from depression (completely self-diagnosed and un-medicated) but I can't imagine how bad this may be if I didn't run. Studies have shown that exercise acts as a better anti-depressant than anti-depressant medications. This is because it releases endorphins in the brain.

This morning I have already been for my run so I am happy. I just did my normal 8km run around my area. It was very cold and my hands were numb on my return. I was supposed to run after work at my Mum's today but I decided to get it out of the way as rain is predicted for this afternoon. This way I can just spend some time chatting to my Mum instead of using her place for a shower!

I am going to do an 11km fun run that they are having in my area next Sunday (22nd). I only ever run 8km so I am rather scared! Most of it is downhill though and the route goes straight past my house so I figure if I am really dying I can just go inside my house and stop....ha ha ha!!! I think I will try and run the course on Saturday, so at least I know if I can physically do it or not. I dare say there will be many trips to the toilet on the morning of the 22nd, as I get really nervous before a run. Most people would not be so nervous, as they have the option of walking part of the course if they are too tired. My issue is that I NEED to run the whole course, no matter how slow, because otherwise I will feel like a massive failure and "beat myself up" over it! Low self-esteem is such a horrible thing!! I guess this is my "demon" in life though and at least I am not struggling with something harder such as alcohol or drug dependency.

My food has been very good. My only bad things yesterday were 2 lite biscuits and a small handful of M&M's. I think I am doing well....At least for now! The protein drink for breakfast seems to be working wonders to curb my appetite.

A funny thing happened yesterday. About a week ago, J put our mountain bikes on EBay to sell them. I got my bike for Christmas and I have only ever ridden it once. I had great intentions before I got it....I was going to cut out the running and cycle instead, I would ride everywhere, etc. My first ride was far too long for someone that had never ridden before and I could not make it back to my house. J had to cycle home and drive back to pick my bike and I up!!!! This turned me off for life! J is selling his bike to update to a road bike as he wants to start competing in triathlons. Anyway....he puts them on EBay but forgets to put a reserve price. Yesterday we get an email that they have been sold. My bike went for $193 and his for $225. I wanted minimum $300 for mine and he wanted minimum $350!!!! So we are very far off the mark but now he needs to sell them at the reduced price, as morally this is the right thing to do. The buyers are certainly getting a bargain, that's for sure! I think J will think twice before posting on EBay again!

I start back at Uni in a couple of weeks. It will be very interesting trying to juggle full-time work, 2 intensive Uni subjects, exercise, dogs and housework but I will just have to re-organise my time. I have no kids so surely I can make this work?! I am completing my Masters in Sexual Health and hoping to emerge in around 2 years time as a fully-qualified sex therapist. This is my dream and sexual health is my passion. It is costing me so much money to do this so I need to make it work. I can't let my negative thoughts about myself destroy this!

Well I am off.....Hugs & Kisses till next time.....
Miss Pinky

Back to the Grind

2007-07-09T09:04:00.000+10:00

The weekend is over and I am back in hell! To top it off it is such horrible weather today...It is absolutely pouring rain....make that "torrential" rain. I was so tempted to call in sick today. I know I have only been here for about 8 weeks but I thought "stuff it...I am trying to leave here anyway". I ended up getting out of bed but only because I was scared if I stayed home I would eat all day!

I had a fairly good weekend. On Friday night I went to the Gym and did some weights. It was very easy which has made me think my routine is not very good. I took the dogs for a quick run at the park and Jack went crazy because it was his first off-leash run since his operation. I then spent the rest of the night watching TV on the lounge, which I love! Most Friday nights I always fall asleep on the couch and get woken up by J at about 1am to go to bed. I have a really full-on weekday routine, which sees me get around 6 hours sleep a night, which is why I am so tired at the weekend. Ideally, I need at least 8 hours sleep a night to function.

On Saturday, we went and saw the trainer we were going to sign up with. Only problem is that she wanted 3 sessions per week at $90 each session. I also hated the Gym she works out of. It is very cold and in desperate need of a makeover! We told her we would sign up but J called her yesterday and told her we just can't afford it. I actually feel very relieved because I find that the more I totally focus on weight loss, the more I end up bingeing. After we met with her, J went and bought a whole lot more supplements from the vitamin shop to help him "bulk up". He has to take so many tablets and powders...I hope he achieves what he wants. I actually think he has a very nice body so I am not sure why he punishes himself to change it. Anyway, I guess that is his choice.

We took the dogs to the park on Saturday afternoon. It is a great off-leash dog park in Leichhardt which has a cafe in the middle that you can eat at and the dogs just walk around the tables. They serve really yummy and cheap food and they also do "puppacinos" for the dogs. This is some cinnamon drink that the dogs LOVE. It was a nice warm day so it was nice to sit in the sun. Jack had a ball because he enjoys nothing more than running with other dogs. Max just sits near me as he is not very sociable. I think he may think he is a human actually. He is a funny dog. We got him from the pound and he had a very hard life prior to that so he can get very snappy with big dogs and pretty much just likes to hang around J and I. He sleeps in bed in between J and I with his head on the pillow just like a person. He is very cute.

(*****Part of the roof at my work just collapsed with the rain. Ha ha ha!!! This place is such a shi*hole!!!!*****)

I saw a great DVD on Saturday night....Blood Diamond. It is an awesome movie about the diamond trade in Sierra Leone. Such a hard-hitting film and Leonardo Dicaprio does an amazing job. It was a film that really made me "think" long after it had finished. I love films like that. I don't think I will be buying a diamond any time soon!

Yesterday (Sunday) I took the dogs to the park in the morning but this time a yucky off-leash park near my area. It is really muddy and small and it stinks but it is very close to home so a good option if we are short for time. Max bit dogs as soon as we arrived so I had to take him to the "other side of the fence" alone so he couldn't hurt any other dogs. It is sooooo embarrassing when he carries on! He is so small but so feisty! After the park J and I went and had a look around the shopping centre. He was looking for some new glasses and I got myself a cute little dress. Yesterday afternoon we did a PUMP class at the Gym. I was really happy with how I did. I tried so hard and exceeded my own expectations. I was very sore afterwards but I had a protein drink straight after and put deep heat on my arms and I am much better today. I have decided that instead of doing my own boring routine 3 times a week, I will do 3 PUMP classes instead, as well as 3 cardio sessions.

My weight is still bad but I did not overdo my food too much on the weekend. I am trying to be more positive now....If I eat well and exercise regularly then changes will happen. My goal for this week is to have yoghurt or fruit for morning tea instead of banana bread and to have lean meat and salad for my evening meal, instead of starchy carbs. I will see if this has any impact on my weight. I have already cut out most nights of dessert, which I am so proud of!

This Sunday I am having a small BBQ at my house. A few people from my old work are coming. I hate people seeing me when I have put on a few kilos but I have to try not to think about that! It will be good to catch up. We will keep the food simple so as to minimise the washing up and the calories!!

I better go and pretend to do something worthwhile I guess!

Keep Smiling
Miss Pinky

Welcome to Friday!

2007-07-06T13:52:00.000+10:00

I am sooooo glad it is Friday!! Only 2 hours to go until I can escape from here! I have had a terribly boring week here. Basically I have had nothing to do and I have had to "look busy" for 8 hours each day. I have been caught surfing the net so many times!

I had a couple of job interviews on Wednesday and Thursday. One was a customer service/order management type role in a factory that made nuts, dried fruit, etc. It seemed like a very relaxed role but not "manly" like my current one. I liked them, they liked me but the salary they were offering was about $15K less than I get now. I just could never let myself drop that much, no matter what the job was. I certainly did not like it that much! The second interview was with a recruitment company. They have an Admin/Customer Service role with a company that makes infant wear that they think would suit me. I will probably be meeting with the company towards the end of next week. I have also applied for a couple more roles today, as I need to get out of here. There are all these jobs coming up that are a really big hassle so I would rather leave before then. Also, if I can leave in the next three weeks, I only have to give one day's notice.

I have been very, very good with my exercise this week. I have stuck to it completely. I have done 4 runs and 2 weight sessions so far and I have another weights session tonight that will complete my week. Tomorrow I have no exercise on at all and I cannot wait! I have been up all week at 5am, pounding the footpath in the freezing cold so I can't wait to stay in bed until at least 8am. It will be heaven! Tonight I am also meeting with the personal trainer lady. I will see what she has to offer and decide whether to sign up or not.

My food has been pretty good (Much better than previously) except last night we went out for dinner and I had a creamy pasta and a lemon meringue pie. My stomach was so sore and cramped up after it. I told myself "no running for me in the morning" so I was very proud when I actually did it! All week I have remained at my same horrible weight. This is the first time that I have ever not been able to lose weight when I am actually really trying. Usually I can't get my head into the right space to exercise and eat well and that is why I don't lose anything....but this time I am really trying. Despite wanting to give up so badly, I will keep going. I am going to try just eating lean meat and salad all next week for dinner to see if this helps? The weekend is always a big hurdle for me, as this is when I generally want to tuck into the chocolate and cakes. I must really try and stay busy!

If the weather is OK, I will take the dogs to the off-leash park tomorrow. Jack has his stitches out now and his wound is nearly completely healed so he should be OK. He will go absolutely crazy there because he hasn't been for 2-3 weeks. He loves nothing more than running around and having other dogs chase him. He has very long legs and is quite fast so most dogs can't catch him. He loves that they can't catch him....He looks as though he is "showing off" when he runs. Each morning when I have been getting dressed to go for a run, he seems as though he wants to come. I will take him but not now. I just think running 8kms with only a quick stop at the half-way point may be a bit much for him so soon after his operation. I always feel mean dragging him away from sniffing, etc because I don't like to stop on my run.

I worked out a budget today for J and I to stick to so we can start saving. I worked out we were wasting about $500 per week on "nothing" so this has to stop. Our plan now is to put $300 of this into savings and then we each have $100 a week spending money. It will be interesting to see how this goes as I have NEVER saved in my whole life. Our goal is to buy a townhouse or a villa so we can stop paying rent and have something of our own.

Well I will be off now to occupy myself with the internet until 4pm!!

Have an awesome weekend!
Miss Pinky

PS: Thanks for your comments Julie. Unfortunately I can't work out how to leave comments on your blog but it is very interesting....Especially the stuff about yawning! :-)

The most crazy job interview ever!

2007-07-04T08:29:00.000+10:00

My job interview yesterday felt more like a scary dream than anything else. As soon as I arrived at the place, I started to have doubts. The Receptionist was very "rough looking"...A few too many years spent taking drugs I think! I was then told the CEO was running about 20 minutes late. I waited 25 minutes and then he turned up. He was a man in his 50's and rather overweight and short. As I was following him to his office, he yelled out someone that he would be "5 minutes". I thought "mmmm....that is rather odd". Well, it was more like 2 minutes!!!! He would ask me a question and as soon as I started to answer he would cut me off and ask another question. basically, without any real "interview" as such he said he wanted to hire me but the money was a problem. He asked if I would take $5K less a year for the first 3 months and then move to what I wanted to get. I said "What is the role? I know nothing at all about it". He said "Doesn't matter....Some customer service, maybe get you to write some articles for us. You start tomorrow". I said "No, I have a job and I can't just not return". He said "OK, start Monday". I agreed and he then sent me to the Customer Service Manager. She did not know what I would be doing either and said he normally does not interview but he wanted to meet me. So, basically I was taking a drop in pay for a role that nobody had any idea about....including me! I also asked if they had nurses trained in sexual health or sex therapists that worked there and she said "no". This is a company dealing with men's sexual health issues and nobody there is a qualified sexual health professional???

I went home, feeling really overwhelmed by it all. The place had this very "weird" feeling to it. The majority of the office space was a call centre and the people working there looked very bitter and angry. I heard someone talking to a customer and they were so rude!!! I decided I just can't take this role. Taking a pay cut would be a silly thing to do and I would worry about the job security. More importantly, I really don't believe in their product and would hate to put my name to something that, in my opinion, does nothing but fuel men's insecurities about their sexual performance.

I strongly believe that there is too much sexual pressure on men these days. Men are really concerned about "lasting longer" in the bedroom. My theory is that they should "cum" when they are ready. As long as they feel enjoyment from it then that is the main thing (Sometimes men who experience rapid ejaculation can cum but feel no positive sensations). Women do not need an erect penis to orgasm....The majority of women need clitoral stimulation and this is best achieved orally or manually anyway, hence, no penis needed. Women also need to take control of their orgasms and be involved in the process by thinking positive erotic thoughts. It should not be all left up to the man. Any men reading this, please relax in the bedroom. You have a mouth and hands to pleasure your partner so, if you should cum early on, utilise these things. You may find that many women actually prefer oral sex or touching anyway! The point of this "rambling" was that if I were to accept the job, I would have to go against these beliefs and try to encourage men to believe their "performance" was an issue and that the company's "nasal spray" would help them. So, today I will let them know I will not be starting with them.

Despite my great day yesterday with very minimal "straying" from my diet, I have gained 0.2kgs this morning. YAY!!!! I am really getting upset about this and it is not just the scales....I even look bigger! Something just must give soon! I did my weights this morning, even though I still felt quite sore. I have pulled up OK though and I am thinking of doing some swimming laps tonight to help with my recovery. I don't like swimming though as I find it very boring!

On a more positive note, I finally got something that I really wanted yesterday! My sister has a dress that I absolutely love and she never, ever wears. My Mum bought it for her and I always tell her she should give it to me but she says "No, I will wear it". Well last night she gave in! I am now wearing this lovely knitted dress over tights and it is so comfortable. I told her if she ever wanted it back to let me know. The thing is that my sister (who is 19) has the total opposite body to me. She has a chubby upper body and small legs and bum. I have the smaller upper body and big legs and bum. So, a dress that needs to be belted at the waist does not suit her, as she does not have much of a waist. I am not being mean here....My sister and I are both fully aware of the negatives of our bodies!!!!

I have applied for 2 customer service jobs this morning, both of them are in the same suburb I now am in. One recruitment person has just called me and I have a 1pm interview tomorrow. I will see what happens with that. This means more uncomfortable clothes needed for tomorrow! Also - Jack gets his stitches out tonight.

The Good of yesterday: Nearly ate exactly what I planned on, went for a run, no dessert, water was good.
The Bad: A vegemite sandwich on white bread that was unplanned in the afternoon and 2 plain biscuits before dinner
The Ugly: Me....and my huge weight on the scales! (Only joking!)

Well I better go. I actually have some stuff to do today.
Have a good one!
Miss Pinky

I feel like I have been hit by a train!

2007-07-03T09:59:00.000+10:00

Yes....That is right! Silly, silly me! Yesterday I had major muscle soreness from weights, which just got worse as the day went by. Last night before bed, I had a protein drink as I had been told the protein would help to repair my muscles. Guess what? It really worked!! I woke up this morning a little bit sore but about 200% better than I was yesterday. So, what did I do? I went for a run of course! What a stupid move that was! Now I am aching even worse than ever!! I can hardly walk and stairs are the worst! Hopefully a couple more protein drinks today and a hot bath tonight will fix me.

I have a job interview this afternoon. It is a customer service role for a company involved in men's sexual health, so it is right up my alley! The salary they are offering is much less than I want but I thought with my experience in the field of sexual health, they may be willing to negotiate. I will see how it goes. I am definitely going to go to this interview, as I will feel better about myself working within the same field I hope to get in to after my studies. My only concern is that the position may be shift work....If so, I will not be interested. I have done shift work before (but only between the hours of 5am and 11pm) and I found that it totally messed up my eating and exercise. I also like to spend my spare time with J, so shift work is not an option for me.

Despite a really big effort on the exercise front (7 days straight) and cutting out a lot of my cakes, biscuits and chocolates, I am still at a high weight today. This upsets me greatly, as I certainly don't get up at 5am and run for the fun of it! Ordinarily, I should have dropped some weight by now so I am feeling a little disheartened. I measured my waist and it is 5cm larger than at my lowest. What is going on??? I even thought "maybe I am pregnant" because I have never had this much difficulty losing weight before. I will keep at it for at least another week and see how I go. If I have lost nothing by then, I will be tempted to go back to eating cakes and biscuits and doing minimal exercise. If I am being very good and am still the same weight as when I do what I want, I know which option is more attractive!! I am so sick of my clothes that were once loose feeling tight!! The hard thing is that I am really trying to do something about it but to no avail!

To give you an idea of my average day, here is yesterday's food and exercise. It is not too great but not so bad either!
BREAKFAST: 1 sachet instant oats made with water, splash of skim milk, 1 cup blueberries
MORNING TEA: Protein drink made with water (125 cals)
LUNCH: Lean chicken breast, spinach and low fat sundried tomatoes on 2 slices wholemeal bread plus 1 cup low-fat yoghurt
AFTERNOON TEA: 2 handfuls sunflower kernels , 1 slice lean chicken breast, 6 weight watchers cookies and 8 squares dark chocolate....... (Bad bits underlined)
DINNER: 1 can pea and ham soup plus 2 wholegrain rolls (probably should have only had one)
BEFORE BED: Protein drink made with water (125cals)
EXERCISE: 1 hour run at about 8.5km/hr
DRINKS: 2 litres water, 1 green tea, 2 cans coke zero

The above is certainly not perfect but the only things that can count as "bad" are the cookies, chocolate and the extra roll. The last few weeks I would have eaten 1/2 a large block of chocolate, banana bread and other cakes and stayed the same weight too! So, at this point I am asking "Is there any point to this?". I need to remain focused and just keep going with it. I can't stay at this uncomfortable weight. Surely some weight has to budge soon??

Well, I better go and work out what I am having for morning tea....Maybe a cup of yoghurt with some blueberries in it??? Even though the disheartened me thinks "Just get some banana bread (read: cake) and a chocolate bar!"

Hope you all have a great day!
Miss Pinky

An Enlightening Weekend

2007-07-02T09:00:00.000+10:00

Good Morning and welcome to this fabulous Monday. I am only joking....I really don't like Monday's as I have to come back to this horrible place!!! I also have nothing at all on this week so I will need to "look busy" for 8 hours each day!

I had a fairly quiet weekend as Jack still has his stitches in, so we tried to stay home as much as we could. He is much better though and gets his stitches out on Wednesday night. He is allowed to go for walks now but is not allowed to run around at the off-leash dog park. I will probably give it a week or so after his stitches are out before taking him there.....Just in case a dog rumbles him and hurts him. Today is his first day at home alone, as J had to go back to work today. We left him heaps of chew treats and some lamb shanks to try and occupy him so he doesn't lick at his wound. I hope he is OK today.

On Saturday we visited a local GNC shop (sells vitamins, protein powders, etc) as J wanted to get some protein powder. We ended up being served by a lady that spent about an hour with us, telling us how we should be eating and how we should be training. It was very interesting and some things she advised were the total opposite of what I had always believed. She was saying that I should not be running, as cardio does not lead to weight loss. She believes all I need to be doing is lifting weights in the Gym. She also advised that I need to eat more protein than I am and recommended I use the protein powder also. She told me to have no fruit at all, except for berries, as my body will treat fruit the same as a chocolate bar.

So, I have started using the protein powder as a drink and I do find it keeps me full much longer than my usual "carb loaded" snacks. I have also started weight training as of yesterday and today I can hardly walk!! Although, I will still run 3-4 times a week as running makes me feel much better about myself. J and I are looking at doing personal training with this lady as we believe she could help us gain great results very fast. Her website is www.signaturefitness.com.au if you are interested in having a look. This lady seems very "tough" but I might just need that. She was upset that I always put my legs down as she said they are my best asset. She told me I don't like them as they are covered in fat but if I could get that off, they would look much better. I felt upset that she was telling me they were fat but I had a good "squeeze" at them in the shower and she is right. So, I will see what happens with this and keep you updated!

I was not great with food over the weekend but not as bad as previous weeks. I still "blew out" on biscuits and chocolate but otherwise I did OK. I also did exercise each day so I am proud of myself for that and I have already gone for my run this morning. My new exercise plan will now be 3-4 runs per week, 3 weights sessions and one complete rest day.

A funny thing happened on Saturday night. I was tidying up the kitchen after dinner and I could see a spot of mould on the ceiling so I decided to wipe it off. I got up on the bench and as soon as my hand touched the ceiling, my hand went right THROUGH it!!! It made this hole in the ceiling because the whole area was wet. We rent our house so I was a bit freaked out. The owner came over yesterday and had a look and he will sort it out. It just annoys me because that means more workmen in the house so J or I will have to take time off work. I don't let people in the house when I am not home because the dogs will get upset and also I am not sure that Max would not bite an "intruder".

Well I am off to a weekly meeting now. Boring people updating on boring things!!! PLEASE get me out of here!!!!

The Good: Exercised every day, Bought new exercise tights which are so comfortable, Have a new album on my MP3 player which is my favourite Album to run to (Rancid: Out Come The Wolves) and started protein powders and weight training.
The Bad: No breakfast eaten on Saturday or Sunday due to sleeping later than usual.
The Ugly: The 30 or so biscuits I dunked in my tea yesterday afternoon and the peanut butter and jam sandwich I ate after dinner last night!

Until we meet again
Miss Pinky

Excited for the weekend

2007-06-29T09:54:00.000+10:00

It is 10am Friday. I have been at work for 2 hours now and I am COMPLETELY bored!!! I have nothing at all to do, so I just need to look "busy" for the next 6 hours....somehow! When I am this bored, I like to find new blogs and read them from start to finish. At the end, I always feel like I really "know" that person, especially if they have been blogging for a while and post often. I have just found a very inspirational blog.....I am not sure of the correct "protocol", so I won't give the URL but reading it put things completely into perspective for me.

It was a blog written by a lady that is my age, who has three beautiful kids, is married to a man that she adores and lives on a farm in outback Victoria. I would say there were about 200 individual posts in her blog and I could count on one hand the posts that have a "negative" undertone. She is such a completely positive, happy and special person. It made me look at my life and stop seeing things so negatively, as I do have many things to be thankful for....

(1) I love J very much. Our relationship was so full-on at the start. We said "I love you" after about 5 days and we just knew immediately that we couldn't stand to be apart from each other. We were both basically "mesmerised" by each other. 2 years into the relationship and things are not as touchy-feely as they used to be but I still love him dearly and still feel "excited" by him. My issues with jealousy and mild depression and my terrible temper are mostly to blame for the fact that we are not as close now as we were....I will endeavour to get this back. Things are currently on the "up" in this department. Thankyou J....for your patience and your gentleness.

(2) I have two gorgeous dogs who are my heart and soul. They are like my babies and they have bought so much happiness to my life. My life revolves around them and they do cause me plenty of extra work and can be "difficult" at times but I would give up anything else in my life before them. No matter what sort of day I have had, coming home to their beautiful hairy faces and having them jump all over me in excitement makes me feel instantly better. I love you Jack & Max! (Even while writing this, I feel like crying because when they are eventually gone, I will not cope well at all!)

(3) While I am most certainly not rich, I am happy to be at a point in my life where I can live comfortably. All bills are paid on time, without having to stress about how to pay them. I can buy clothes or small things that I want nearly every fortnight when I get paid. If something happens with the dogs, car, etc then I know we can pay to get the issue fixed. We live in a fairly nice house (even if we do rent it), we have a nice brand new car, lovely furniture and we eat good food.

(4) I am an intelligent person. This means I have more avenues of opportunity available to me. This means I can critically analyse things that I hear or read and I am able to hold a conversation with people on all levels. My excellent school results led to my Uni degree, which will now lead to my Masters in Sexual Health, which will, hopefully, lead to a fantastic career that will pay well too. As we spend so much of our time working, a happy job will mean a happier life for me.

(5) I will be going overseas again in December this year. It will be somewhere in Asia....perhaps Vietnam. I am very excited for this!!! I love the freedom of being on holidays....no housework, no alarm clocks, no planned exercise, great food, shopping and special time spent with J. I can't wait!!!

(6) I am basically a healthy person. I do not have any health problems or debilitating conditions. I am able-bodied and able-minded. The same can be said for J, my mother (although at 62 she is starting to encounter some ailments), my sister and my brother. For this, I am thankful. Having to deal with a family member, or yourself, going through pain and illness would require such an enormous strength of character.

Enough of the soppy stuff! I managed to go for my run this morning before work. It wasn't overly cold but I was puffing like a steam train!!! I must learn to control my breathing! Had a food blowout last night....J made a beautiful beef stew and I ate too much of it, complete with a large white bread roll and mashed potato. Then J made icecream, strawberries and melted chocolate for dessert! After eating this, I had some chocolate and a few biscuits. I would feel much worse about this if my weight had increased this morning but it is the same as yesterday, so all is OK.

Have a great weekend guys! It is meant to be sunny here tomorrow so that will be a big change!
The weekend will be a major test for me....Can I control the binge??

Ciao!
Miss Pinky

Miracles Do Happen

2007-06-28T09:11:00.000+10:00

(J & I Grand Palace Bangkok)

Believe it or not an amazing thing has happened....Since my last post yesterday, I have been running twice!! Yes....that is correct....TWICE!!! I honestly don't know how this came about. I was driving home after work yesterday. I finish at 4pm so get home just after 4.30pm. During the drive home, I was thinking "You really should utilise your early arrival home and do some exercise". I was trying to think of some sort of exercise that would not be too "full on" but I decided that I hated all exercise and should just stop thinking about it, as I was only kidding myself that I would do exercise. Also it was drizzling a bit too.

Just after I got home, J returned home from a 10km run, covered in sweat and with blood all over his shirt from bleeding nipples. (When men run, as they don't wear a bra, their shirt can rub over their nipples and cause them to bleed). I thought to myself "What an absolute legend!!! Now THAT is dedication!". So basically that inspired me to get my fat body into some running clothes and "Just Do It"!!! Surprisingly, the run was one of the easiest I have ever done. It was not too hard on me at all. I actually felt quite "smug" out running in the rain with a singlet on, while people drove past me in their cars, covered up in their scarves and coats. I finished the 8km run in a good time, despite the extra kilos I was carrying and I felt much better about myself afterwards. The fact that I had run meant that I had a much smaller dinner and abstained from the junkfood snacks I have been indulging in the past few weeks.

Before I went to bed last night I set my alarm for an hour earlier, with the idea to run before work. In all honesty, I imagined I would change my mind once the alarm went off but I didn't. Despite the fact it was about 6 degrees and very dark, I did it. It was a little harder than my run last night but still not too bad. I weighed myself this morning and I am down 1.6kgs on yesterday. Of course, much of this would be fluids lost from running but it still gave my self-esteem a very much needed boost to see the smaller number on the scale.

I think alot when I run. I try and get deep into thought so I don't feel my heavy breathing or my legs hurting. Last night I was thinking back to my conversation with J a few days ago regarding our "lack of goals" in life. Many of the goals I have are very long-term and are hard to visualise as they won't come easily....such as buying a house, having a baby, finishing my 2 years of study and getting a great job. There was one goal that I totally overlooked and that was my weight loss goal that I set over 2 years ago and never achieved, although I came mighty close. This is a goal that doesn't require money or education and is not dependent on anyone else's actions. This is a goal I can start moving towards immediately!!! It made me feel happy that I have made up my mind to try again to achieve this goal.

I have to be realistic and realise that I am not happy at this weight. I think that junkfood and chocolate makes me happy but "no food will ever taste as good as slim feels". Junk food makes me feel fat and frumpy and worthless! I know it is wrong to base my happiness on a number on the scales but this is just how it is. I am not aiming for a silly weight that is unachievable. I will be at the top end of the healthy weight range once I make it to my goal. I am not going to aim for a lower weight as I have very stocky legs that make me weigh heavier than a person with normal sized legs. This means I just have to work with what genetics has dealt me.

I am now 6kgs away from my goal and I am going to really try and get there. I am going to try and relax on myself a bit though as I find when I totally restrict my food and exercise all the time, I ultimately end up bingeing like crazy. I will allow myself some treats but in moderation and I just have to keep the exercise up....If not for anything else but my self-esteem.

I asked J last night to help me with this as I am really struggling with motivation. He said we could devise an exercise and eating plan together, which was nice of him. Last night while I was running, he put a heater in the bathroom to make it warm for me. That is so sweet of him...He must have realised how hard it was for me to take the first step. He has been great to me lately and I really need to start focusing some attention on him. It is all too easy to take someone for granted in a long-term relationship and what we have is not the sort of thing to just throw away through a lack of attention. Maybe this weekend we can do something nice together as Jack will be a little bit better by then so we may be able to leave him alone?

Each day, I will now evaluate the past day....in terms of exercise, eating, etc:

The Good: Finally going for a run, no snacks after dinner or after work, eating a smaller dinner complete with salad.

The Bad: A dare Coffee Milk (410 calories) and some pear and raspberry bread. This was all in the morning before I had decided to give this another go.

The Ugly: A crunch bar after lunch. King Size, mind you. I ate about 3/4 of the bar and then realised how ridiculous my eating habits were getting. This morning I had to spray cleaner on the remainder of the bar before placing it in the bin....because I swear if I didn't do that, I would pull it out of the bin! How attractive is that???!!!!!!

Well I will sign off now and I hope I can report good things tomorrow. Please pray that my "devils horns" do not appear again!!!

On the "Up"

Miss Pinky

Getting through the "hump" day

2007-06-27T12:14:00.000+10:00

Well it is Wednesday, otherwise known as "hump day" and once today is over, I will be on the fast-track to the weekend...Yay!!! I often feel that I "wish away" the majority of my life. As soon as I wake up, I can't wait to get home from work again and this continues through every working week. J works a second job between 2 and 3 nights a week and on those nights I can't wait for it to be the next day so I can spend some time with him. Why can't I just enjoy the journey, as I certainly don't have a destination in mind??!! I think my main issue is that I don't enjoy my job and, let's face it, work is where we spend the majority of our waking hours. I really hope to be employed in a great job one day, where I enjoy going to work. Hopefully this can happen when I have finished studying in about 2 years time.

My dog is getting better, which is such a relief! Also we found out that the lump was not cancerous so that is just awesome! The Vet said that he had experienced a great trauma that had caused the cells in that area to die off and what was removed was basically rotting tissue. Yuck!!! Jack is 18 months old and I have had him since he was 8 weeks old. He is an extremely spoilt dog (sleeps in our bed, lays on the lounge, goes out to parks all day on the weekend, eats porterhouse steak, is "carried" around the house like a baby) so I dare say I would know if he had experienced "major trauma". The only thing I can think of is when he was rumbled very badly by a staffy in our street about a month ago. The staffy was off the lead and just started to attack Jack but there were no marks at all on him so I thought he was OK. That is the only traumatic event that I can honestly think of. At least he is getting better and that is the main thing!!

When I got home last night J had cooked a romantic 3 course meal, complete with sparkling apple juice (I don't drink alcohol) which was very thoughtful of him! Lucky I am still being "Hippo Girl" instead of "Diet Girl", otherwise I would not have been happy with the masses of food!!! It was very nice of him and it would have taken ages to prepare such delicious things. I can tell he is trying to make an effort to "romanticise" things. Maybe I should do the same, instead of constantly worrying about my "extra padding"!

I didn't go for the interview yesterday afterall. I decided that it would be too far to travel and for slightly less money, it wasn't worth it. It would also have been a role that required more hours than I do here. Hopefully I find something soon and, if not, at least I am getting paid here.

I thought I should let you know a little more about me so here are 10 interesting facts about me:

(1) I have a brother 10 years older than me and a sister 10 years younger
(2) I used to work as a Receptionist in a nude massage parlour, which was very interesting, to say the least!
(3) I am a major clean freak....Bordering on OCD
(4) I am highly organised and love to write daily schedules, complete with times for showering and getting dressed
(5) I do not drink alcohol as I don't like the taste and have a very low tolerance. I like to know what I am doing at all times and I like to drive home. I can still have fun though!
(6) My biggest fear in life is public speaking or "presentations" more specifically. I have been to Psychologists to cure this fear with no success. I would rather you cut off my right arm (honestly) than have to do a presentation. This has been very debilitating throughout my life.
(7) I never, ever, ever leave home without lip gloss and dental floss. I have very full lips and big teeth so these items are more necessary to me than my wallet and mobile phone.
(8) I hate smoking like nothing else on earth! I cannot stand when someone is smoking near me, especially when I get a big puff of smoke when I am out for a run. Yuck!
(9) I am very bad at making decisions. Although I deliberate over decisions for ages and consider all the pros and cons of each option, I ultimately make the wrong choice. I can probably count on one hand the good decisions I have made in my life.
(10) I cannot cook to save my life! I don't even know how long to boil an egg for. I have no interest in learning either. I am desperately unenthused about cooking, even though I live to eat. I am lucky that all my partner's have always been able to cook.

Well that is enough about me.....

Until next time
Miss Pinky

A sick dog, A spare tyre and Never-ending rain....

2007-06-26T10:27:00.000+10:00

(I can't seem to work out how to put comments to the pics so here 'tis: Billy the Orangutan and I Phuket Zoo 2006......J and I at Hard Rock Cafe in Bangkok 2006.......J and a rather large beer Phuket 2006. These are some snaps from an awesome holiday we had late last year. We went to Phuket, Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur for 3 weeks. I miss it so much!!!)

First I shall start on the sick dog.....He is now on anti-inflammatory tablets to help with the swelling. He seems to be OK during the day but at night he gets really, really quiet. He did not sleep with us again last night. He stayed on the couch alone. I got up at 6am today and he had moved to a cold canvas dog bed in the dining room and he was shivering to death! We had to give him a hot water bottle and wrap him in blankets. I just wish he would start sleeping with us again so at least I know he is warm. It has been 5 days since his operation and I just want him to recover and get back to his old crazy self.

The "Spare Tyre" refers to a lovely covering of fat that has appeared all over my abdomen. You know those blow-up rings that kids use for swimming?? It looks like I have one of those around me!!! So, what am I doing about it? Well, I just had a massive slice of banana bread and a chocolate bar for morning tea so that should help....Not! I have decided to join Jenny Craig next week though. I am not a big fan of diets that use pre-packaged foods but I did lose 10kgs on the program 2 years ago as part of my 20kg loss and I have kept it off until now. I don't know what is wrong with my head at the moment but I wouldn't even know how to spell "willpower", let alone utilise it! I can't seem to get "full" no matter what I do and I find that from 5pm until 10pm I have food in my mouth constantly! I think I need Jenny Craig to help me along as I find the concept of fronting up for "weigh in" each week very motivating. J seems to think I should be able to do this by myself as Jenny Craig food is very expensive but I just know I can't. My head is not in a good place at the moment and I need some help. I weighed myself this morning and I weigh more than I have in two years....I am honestly putting on about half a kilo each day at the moment and that is just plain disgusting!! I am petrified I will keep getting heavier if I don't do something now and I will end up as my "Before" photo which is on my fridge. It is looking more like a mirror reflection these days, rather than a nightmare!!!!

It feels like it has been raining in Sydney for an eternity! Yes....I know we are in a drought and I should be grateful but we have seriously had torrential downpours for weeks now. I can't remember seeing anything like it. It means that I have a fabulous excuse for not running and, as anybody who is struggling to locate their lost "Diet Girl" will know, any excuse will do at the moment! If I were honest though, even if there were beautiful bright skies outside and it was 25 degrees, I would still find an excuse! If you are looking for an excuse then you shall definitely find it!!!

I have my interview this afternoon for the Chocolate job. I wasn't sure it would go ahead, as the recruitment company called me yesterday afternoon and mentioned the salary, which was much lower than I expected. After some emails back and forth, the company has agreed that, if I am successful, I can start on a slightly higher salary level. It will still be less than I am getting now and with some extra travel time but at least it will be doing a job that I don't despise! So, I have a suit in the car and I need to quickly change after work and then quickly get into the City and find a park (which will be impossible) in time. The recruitment company have told me that, if they like me, they will then send me stright to the company for an interview. I think I should get home about 8pm tonight from all of this. At least I won't be able to eat during the interviews....ha ha ha!!!!!

I was thinking a little more yesterday about what my "dreams" in life are.....I have always wanted to live in Queensland, as I believe I would have a better quality of life there with the warmer weather. I love Queensland....I think it is beautiful and has everything I want there. My ex-husband used to say that he wanted to move there too but when we had a chance to do it, he backed out. J thinks that it is really hard to get a good job there and he thinks they pay less, so he is not convinced it's the right thing to do. Maybe I should do some background research and look at the jobs and property available and that may sway his decision?? I feel I could be so much happier there....Or am I really just running from myself???

I would like to say "thanks" to Julie for the comment posted on my last post. My first comment....how cute! I will definitely have a read of your blog, as my "dog training" skills leave much to be desired! I am hopeless! All my dogs can do is sit for a treat. They come when called sometimes but only if they want to. Hopefully I can learn something from you!!!

Ciao

Miss Pinky

Feeling Better

2007-06-25T09:50:00.000+10:00

I had a big talk with J on the weekend.....Basically we discussed how we feel we are "drifting" through life with no real goals we are trying to achieve. J's main "goal" in life is to own a house. He owned one in Melbourne, which was sold when his marriage broke up and he loved the feeling that home ownership gave him. The only problem is that the Sydney real estate market is much harder to break into than Melbourne due to much higher prices. Anyway....he has spoken to a broker who thinks if we can just come up with $10K, he should be able to help us. I am not overly fussed to own a place but I do understand it is smarter than renting and does come with security, which renting does not. My issue was that J had this as a goal but had no real steps in place to achieve this goal. I wanted him to sit down and work out a savings plan to achieve his goal.

My goals in life were to get married and to have a baby but after our talk on the weekend, I am not sure whether I really do want the marriage anymore?? Having witnessed many relationship breakdowns in my life (including my own), I am of the belief that marriage does not stop people walking away....and I think that is what I wanted marriage for....the security. Getting married is very expensive (I am still paying off my first wedding!) and it would not change the essence of our relationship. When I was married the first time, I did not take my husband's surname and I don't think I want to give up my name because I really like it. I felt that the fact we had been engaged for almost a year, with no wedding plans in place, was "unfinished business" that needed to be completed but now I am not so sure it is what I want?? I still want to be in a committed relationship with J but I don't know if we need the marriage for this??

I still definitey want to have one child though. If it were up to me, I would have one now. The issue is that J feels he has to be "set up" for this to happen.....meaning that he would like to own a house and have savings before we go ahead. I believe that most people will not sit down and say "Now we are ready for a baby"....They just do the best they can with what they have. I am nearly 30 and feel that if I don't seriously think about this, I may miss out altogether.

Jack is still very sad and quiet after his operation. Last night he even slept alone in the lounge room all night, which is very unusual for him. The wound area seems a bit "puffy" so J is taking him back to the vet today to have it looked at....Just in case. He is eating and going to the toilet as normal, so I hope all is good.

On a more positive note, I have a job interview tomorrow!! It is for a very well-known CHOCOLATE company....YUMMMMM!!!!!! The funny thing about it is that a girl that used to work at my old work left my old work to go and work there but I don't think she is still there....What a small world!!! I will let you know how I get on and will have to check with some people from my old work what she had to say about the role!

Enjoy your Monday
Miss Pinky

A night of puppy tears

2007-06-22T11:14:00.000+10:00

Jack had a horrible night last night after his operation. He cried all night and did not sleep at all. I slept about 2 hours and my fiance did not sleep at all. The wound is so much "messier" than I thought it would be. It is very red, inflamed and "open" looking. It must be so sore....poor little fella. They did not give him anything for the pain so he just cried all night....obviously unaware of what had happened but knowing something was hurting him. I love him so much! My fiance has now taken all of next week off work to be with him until he gets the stitches out next weekend. I am scared if nobody is there that the other dog may decide it's a good idea to bite at his stitches or something. Also, neither Jack nor Max can lick at the wound or there is a good chance it will become infected. I took some pics with my phone of the wound and I will post them next week.

"Diet Girl" suffered a very sad death last night as "Miss Piggy....emotional eater" emerged! I had planned to do exercise last night but that did not come to fruition as I was very upset about Jack. I had far too much for dinner and then sent my fiance, J, out for heaps of chocolate to console myself. Today, Miss Piggy is still here as she has decided to have Maccas for lunch. Gees I am sick of this yo-yoing and I am even more sick of feeling bad about myself and thinking I am so ugly and such a failure. The ironic thing is that when I was 20 kilos heavier I actually had better self-esteem than I do now. I felt big but still attractive back then. Now, I think I am so dreadfully ugly and fat that I should hide at home so as not to subject anyone else to my hideousness. This is honestly how I feel. It gets me down so much but I cannot kick these sorts of thoughts and feelings. When I eat well and exercise I don't feel as ugly but I am literally overwhelmed with thoughts of calories, what I ate, when I can eat, etc, etc. So much so that I can't focus on anything else. When I eat junk and don't exercise, I feel "free" but very very ugly. Where is the balance that I crave so much??

I am convinced that J is repulsed by me. I believe he wants to leave me and be with someone pretty and slim but he just feels too slack to leave. In the beginning of our relationship, I knew he loved me and I totally felt he was attracted to me. We were always kissing and hugging. Now, as we have been together for nearly two years, we don't kiss and hug like before (which is usual when a relationship progresses from the early stages) but I think it is because he finds me physically disgusting. He reassures me this is not the case but nothing can convince me otherwise. My "head" tells me that perhaps he was more attracted to me then as I was not displaying such dreadfully low levels of self esteem as I do now.

It is so horrible to go through life feeling this way. My low self-esteem has negatively affected so many areas of my life. Why do I feel so ugly? What is fuelling these feelings and how can I change this? I always feel that it is linked to my weight...."If only I could lose 5kgs I would be pretty"....But would I really?? I am so worried that J will leave me for being ugly and this is a true fear of mine but the more that I worry about this, the uglier and darker I become on the inside so this may become a self-fulfilling prophecy???

Maybe I need to spend less time on the scales and scrutinising every morsel that passes my lips and more time learning to love myself. This is a very hard thing to ask of someone that barely even likes themselves. I try and think of what my good qualities are and I would say that I have a good sense of humour, I am very caring towards animals, I am organised and clean....and that is about all I can come up with. Pretty sad list hey??? I could never tell you what my best physical quality is as I don't believe anything on my body is nice and this is the honest truth. The only thing I could think of is that I do not have big ears or a big nose which is good.

Sorry for this very sad post but it is exactly what is inside me at the moment. Hopefully I have good things to report after the weekend....

Sad in Sydney
Miss Pinky.

Poor Jack....

2007-06-21T10:58:00.000+10:00

(Max & Jack playing "tug of war")

Today is the "big day"....My one year old beautiful Jack Russell dog, Jack, is having his operation. It is very hard for me to concentrate today and I wish this had all never happened but it has so I now need to deal with it! About 3 weeks ago I found a lump on his back under his skin. After a few Vet visits, they decided that the lump is "suss" and may be cancerous so they are cutting it out today. I know it is not a major operation but anything can happen, even during a minor procedure. Fingers, toes and intestines crossed that all goes well. Once they remove the lump, it will be sent to pathology and if it is cancerous he will probably have to have chemotherapy.

Once Jack gets home tonight he cannot be walked for 5 days. Anybody who has ever known a Jack Russell (especially a young Jack Russell) will know how hard this will be. He is the most energetic and hyperactive dog I have ever seen. He loves to run and run and run. About an hour after waking up each day he starts jumping up on me constantly and crying because he wants to go out. Even if I didn't want to take this dog out every day, I would have no choice. He would drive me crazy if I didn't. So, the next 5 days will be very difficult, to say the least! My fiance has taken a few days off work to make sure our other dog, Max, does not hassle him when he gets home, so at least someone is there to look after him.

I did my Spin Class last night. I so desperately wanted to skip it and made up my mind I was not going to go but my fiance seemed annoyed with me as he wanted to go, so at the last minute I got dressed and went. It was a killer. I was so sweaty it was unbelievable....It was just pouring off me! I didn't expect to get so sweaty when the weather is so cold but I worked very hard and I was proud of myself in the end. Tonight I will either run or do a Spin Class, depending on what time Jack gets home from the Vet. I am hanging out for the weekend, as I will do no exercise on those days....unless I go and swim some laps, which is not very gruelling at all. I can also spend some time pampering Jack....and Max of course!

I am having lunch today with a girl from my work. I hate going out for lunch when I am at work. I just find that I am then tempted with "bad" food choices and I also don't like paying for lunch when I could bring something from home. I am not a tightar*e.....I just prefer to spend my money on other things! Anyway, it appears it has now become "common knowledge" that hate it here and the managing Director's PA has asked her to take me to lunch to see how I am doing, what they can do, etc, etc. The issue is that there is nothing they can do to make me like it here as it is the "essence" of the job that I hate. I hate how "blokey" the role is and there is nothing they can do about it. I will lie to her though and make out it is OK as I am scared they will say "OK See you" and then I will have no job! I applied for a few more jobs today so I hope one of them is successful....

I better sign off and work out what I will say at lunch. I guess I have to have some feedback!

Over and Out

Miss Pinky.

My Awful Job

2007-06-20T08:50:00.000+10:00

(My fiance & I)
As promised, this post will tell you all about my horrible job! First though....an update on Diet Girl.....I did go for a run yesterday. It was absolutely freezing and raining but I knew if I didn't go that I would spend the rest of the night eating cakes and junkfood so I just had to do it. Once I got started it wasn't too bad. I finished in quite a good time and did not turn into the "iceberg" that I expected to. Tonight is a Spin Class and I have not been to one of these classes for ages so chances are it will kill me! At least I don't have to brave the outside weather though!

Now....on to my job. Before I can tell you about my job, I will give you the history behind how I ended up here. I worked in my last job for 3 years and, while I did not thoroughly enjoy it, I did not nearly cry at the thought of attending (like I do now!). I was employed in basically a "customer service/order management" type role and I really had my job "down pat". I knew what I was doing, never had many issues, had some people at work that I really liked (and some I didn't) and I worked with my fiance, which was awesome! Early this year I had a "fantastic idea" to go back to Uni and study to be a primary school teacher. This did not turn out to be such a great idea as I attended Uni for only 3 weeks before realising that a teacher I was not! I did not have the passion for children that I think is so necessary and it would have been unfair to the kids that I was teaching. Believe it or not, I did give this plenty of thought before accepting my Uni offer but, as usual, I made the wrong decision!!

So, my old job had been snapped up by someone else, I had dropped out of Uni and I was now "unemployed". I was unemployed for four weeks, which seemed an eternity and then I found this "dream role"....NOT! I work as an Account Manager for a telecommunications company. This may sound OK but, in all honesty, what I actually do is hire out two-way radios to building and security companies. It is such a "man job" and I hate it!!! I am pretty much a "girly girl" (but not over the top) and I spend my days with screwdrivers programming radios and changing the buds on earpieces that are covered in other people's earwax! Sounds fantastic, doesn't it??!! Why did I accept this job you may ask? I honestly had no idea that it would be like this. I need to get out of here so badly. I have only been here about 6 weeks and I hate every minute of it. So, I am currently looking for another job but not having too much luck as I am looking at the higher salary end of customer service jobs.

I am also starting back at Uni at the end of July but doing a totally different course. I am doing my Masters in Sexual Health via correspondence. A little different from teaching hey?! Let me explain....After school, I completed an Arts degree, majoring in Psychology. After this, I enrolled in a private college to do a graduate diploma in sexual health counselling. I attended all classes and paid the hefty course fee but did not sit the final exam or do the clinical placement hours and, as such, I did not achieve the diploma. Why was I so stupid? Because my boyfriend broke up with me and I had zero coping skills back then to deal with heartache so I just let my whole world collapse. Trust me, I have been kicking myself ever since! As such, I need to obtain some "real" qualifications in this area now.

I do have some experience in this field, having been a sex columnist for the Singapore Women's Weekly for 4 and a half years. This was an amazing experience. I wrote for them via email and had my own page in the magazine each month. I answered reader's queries and provided information about sexual dysfunctions, sexual performance, contraception, sexually transmitted infections, etc. I loved writing for the mag as I felt that, at least somewhere in the world, I was "famous"...ha ha ha!!! After 4 and a half years the magazine decided to go with "a different look" and I was shafted!

I have always had a major interest in this area and I am so absolutely comfortable talking about the topic to people from all walks of life. Most people do not have much information about sex but most people wish they did, yet are too embarrassed to seek it out or think of it as a "taboo" subject. I hope to one day have my own practice, counselling people about sex and making everybody feel that what they are (or aren't) doing is normal. Sex is such a major part of our functioning as human beings and this aspect needs to be explored and celebrated!

There you have it....My "career" history, my terrible decision-making skills and my future aspirations! Let's just hope that this time I "stick to my guns" and make this happen!

Have a happy day guys!

Miss Pinky.

I am alive!

2007-06-19T11:16:00.000+10:00

The fact that I am writing this post tells you that, against all odds, I actually survived my run yesterday! Not without plenty of panting and coming in 5 minutes later than I usually do though!!! It is amazing how quickly your body can lose fitness and how much an extra 5 kilos can affect your ability to move. It makes you understand how really big people have trouble even walking around though. The top of my knees is a little sore today but nothing like I expected. I guess tomorrow is when I will really feel the pain.

I had a very good day yesterday food-wise until it got to dinner time. This is my usual downfall! I had a serve of dinner much bigger than I had planned, combined with garlic bread and sticky date pudding with icecream for dessert. As if this were not enough, I then tucked in to 5 lindt balls to top off my 1600 calorie evening. So much for "Diet Girl"! Beyond belief, I am down 1kg today from yesterday.....This goes to show just how badly I had been eating the past three weeks! I will be "good" today, at least until dinner anyway! Most of the bad food has been cleared out of the house so I should do better than last night. I also do not bring any money at all to work in case I am tempted to buy muffins or banana bread for morning tea. The takings from the "snack machine" at work must be down considerably from the last 3 weeks!

I have a run planned for this afternoon but the weather is not good in Sydney and they predict heavy rain, so I will have to see what happens. If it is light rain, I will brave it but running in a massive downpour does not appeal to me. I will be running around my Mum's house which is a run I love! I run straight past the beach and the run includes some flat areas, some downhills and one massive hill, so it is a good mix. This run is around 7kms and usually takes 45 minutes. As you can now see, I am not in danger of breaking any Olympic records!

The funny thing about my running is that I actually hate it. To be honest, I hate any form of physical exercise. Unfortunately, I am very short (about 158cms) and have a pear shaped body with stocky legs so running is the only way I can keep myself from "exploding". I have been running now for just over two years and I probably average about 30kms a week....Some weeks a little more and some weeks absolutely nothing! It seems rather silly to spend so much time doing something you hate but I have tried many other things and I don't like them either. I guess I have two choices: Run (which I hate) or put on lots of weight (which I hate). I alternate between these two evils at different times.

My poor dog is having an operation this Thursday so that has been consuming much of my thoughts. He is a Jack Russell, just over a year old and I love him more than anything. He has developed a lump on his back and they think it may be cancerous so they are cutting it out. I swear if anything happens to him I will end up in a psychiatric ward as I won't be able to cope!!! This is the first time I have had dogs and I never realised I could love something so much! My whole world revolves around these two dogs....They sleep in my bed (they are very clean), I spend all my spare time taking them out to off-leash dog parks and I hardly ever go out at night because I feel slack leaving them alone. Sometimes I think it is harder having dogs than kids because you can basically take kids anywhere with you. Dogs are quite often treated as "socially unacceptable".

Well, enough of my "ramblings"....Hopefully this has given you a further insight into who I am. Next time I shall discuss my job and how much I hate it!!

Take Care
Miss Pinky

Finally I have arrived!!!

2007-06-18T13:32:00.000+10:00

Well.....After about two years of lurking, unannounced, on other people's blogs I have decided to start my very own one!!!! I will begin this as a place to put my thoughts down and see where it all ends up.

A bit about me? I am 29 years old and live in Sydney. I am engaged to a man that I used to fantasise about but never thought in a million years I would "get". This did not come without it's fair share of drama though, as both myself and my fiance were married when we met.....Nothing overly "sordid" though as we both left our partner's as soon as we uncovered our mutual attraction.

We live in a very big but old house with our two gorgeous dogs and I guess you could certainly call me a "homebody". In my younger days I used to be out at nightclubs most nights but that all seems like a distant memory/nightmare now!! :-)

The main reason for starting this online "diary" is my constant desire to lose weight....Yes this is ANOTHER one of "those" blogs! Just over two years ago I set out on a mission to lose 24kgs of excess body weight, which I gained through way too many nights at home with a large pizza on my lap and zero exercise! In about 5 months, I lost 20 of those 24kgs but never, ever reached my "goal". This failure has haunted me ever since! I just seem to yo-yo from anywhere between 2kgs from my goal to 6kgs from my goal. One week I will be the "model diet girl" and run every day and eat 1200 calories each day....The next week I am "Miss Piggy" and eat every single thing in sight and I mean EVERYTHING!!!! Right now, I am just coming off a "Miss Piggy" period where I put on over 5kgs in 3 weeks! Today is the first day of "Diet Girl" and I already feel like some chocolate!!!!

I am a "boredom eater" and I also eat to make myself feel "happy".....Which is a funny irony because I 'aint feeling very happy right now with my legs squashed into these tight jeans and my "muffin top" exploding over like the spare tyre of a semi trailer!!!! Unfortunately, I have never been able to find a happy medium between "Diet Girl" and "Miss Piggy" and this is where I hope this blog will help!

This afternoon I am going for a run....Something I have not done for about 3 weeks and it is freezing cold to boot!

If I do survive, I shall post on here tomorrow.....

Keep Smiling,

Miss Pinky